Abusive yr 2: 2011 - 2012: senior yr summer 2012
by SoulfullyInclined
Summary: Glee S3. Lia [of Wintergirls] is new in Denver, CO where this takes place. she meets Karen's daughter Mandy who also has an eating disorder. they become friends. Rachel and Dianna develop EDs. Faberry. ED and abuse-centric. I don't own anyone. *Please Review* *read Year 1 first*. *when reviewing leave more than a 2 word review*. *if you like this tell me* *Completed* *Edited*
1. Chapter 1

****Beta Reader Please. Please give me feedback on this what you want more of, that you like it. The reason I keep updating is to get reviews so Please Review****

For those of you who read the first in this series 'Year 1' Jennifer, Rebecca, Cherie, Karen's friends and Ashley's friend Lily make few appearances. For those of you who really liked those people/pairings please let me know in your reviews and I'll write them in. Jennifer and Jesse are still together as are Rebecca and Evan and Louisa and Cherie. This story is mainly about Mandy's ED and Lia. It also contains abuse.

Ashley's 18, tom's 21, alexa's 17 as are rose, hannah and lily. kate;s 16, anna's 14. evan's 19. annabelle's 24.

* * *

Amanda

it was a warm sun. night in summer. My 15 yr. old twin sister louisa and I were arguing in the cold kitchen.

"You have to fukin eat amanda!" she said leaning forward.

She was in a yellow shirt and black pants.

"No. it's never amanda. And no I don't," I countered staying where I was.

"ok then you need to," she pulled back.

"I don't want to."

"I don't care if you don't want to. When was the last time you did?" she asked.

"Yesterday," I replied.

"I didn't see you eat," she said disbelievinglu.

"Doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"Actually it kindof does."

"So now you need proof that i'm eating? God you're not my manager," I said annoyed throwing my hands up.

And they fell back down.

"No I'm worried about you we all are," she said tilting her head and looking at me.

"No. Everyone's worried about Kate everyone's worried about kate dying. Not me," I said.

"Well she doesn't have a choice. *She* didn't choose cancer it chose her. You chose your thing," louisa said.

"No you're wrong. I didn't," I said not wanting to admit it.

"You forget that as your twin I can see right through you."

"why are being such a bitch?" I said talking w/ my hands.

"bc i'm tired of waiting for you to die," she answered also talking w/ her hands.

"would it be better if I did?"

she knew I had her there.

If she was tired of waiting for me to die. Then maybe she wouldn't have to. I wondered if we had milk in the fridge but decided to wait awhile. I also wondered what a cigerette tasted like.


	2. Chapter 2

I went upstairs to my room. My 16. boyfriend Adam was on my bed. We began making out not talking about what'd happened. He smelled like cologne. We were still making out when we heard the front door open downstairs. We heard my 17 yr. Old sister Alexa come down the upstairs hallway and stairs. The door opening indicated that my parents were back from wherever they'd been.

"Mom," we heard Alexa say, getting her attention.

"Yes dear?" Mom replied.

There was a pause and then I heard my parents rush up the stairs followed by my 18 yr. Old sister Ashley. Something must've happened. Up untill they rushed upstairs Adam and I'd been content in my room. The rushing indicated that they were going somewhere quickly.

"mandy, we're going to the hospital," Alexa told me on her way down the narrow carpeted hall.

She was walking fast.

I knew why. My 11 yr. Old sister anna was sick, again. She'd been diagnosed w/ leukemia last yr.

Alexa was probably walking quickly in order to get to anna who was most likely in the bathroom.

This couldn't be good.

Adam and I pulled away from each other.

"This can't be good," I told him.

"Does anyone ever go to the hospital when it's good?" he told me, smiling.

We were now sitting on my bed facing each other our legs crossed. His arms were around me on my lower back.

"mandy! Now!" alexa commanded.

"Coming," I called.

adam and I stood and came out of the room his arm wrapped around my waist.

"What happened?" mom asked our 14 year old sister kate, panic in her blue eyes.

"alexa was the first to notice," my sister said looking at mom.

mom turned and looked at alexa.

We all were waiting for what alexa was going to tell us.

"I walked down the hall and heard retching. anna was bleeding, she told me when I asked."

"Omygod," Mom whispered.

She was surprised. She was whispering bc she didn't want to upset us.

"She's bruised," dad whispered.

He knew this because with the bleeding often came bruising. It was part of her illness.

We all went down the hall into the small white bathroom where anna was. They bent down and lifted her. The bathroom was cold.

"She's light," dad observed.

"Well, of course she's light! She's been sick on and off for the past week! What did you expect? If you were here more you'd know that," alexa said to mom annoyed.

Alexa was referring to the fact that because anna had been sick she'd lost weight which was why she was light.

"alexa," mom said warningly.

"Sorry."

"Go gather the others," dad said calmly to alexa.

He and mom slowly and carefully brought anna down the wide curving white carpeted stairs into the big white living room with kate following close behind.

"We can take my car," he told alexa; "it'll fit 5."

"Ok good. So that's you...the twins, rose, the twins need to be together," Ashley said.

"Ok."

"ill take kate and anna in mine," mom ssssaid.

"ok."


	3. summer 2011: evan: mon: talking, alexa

Evan

Alexa, her 21 yr. Old boyfriend tom, my 18 yr. Old girlfriend rebecca and I were all sitting in the hospital's big cafe that morning.

"What if she doesn't make it?" Alexa asked.

She wasn't one who got scared often and if she did she didn't show it. Alexa, who dared to venture the thoughts no one else had spoken.

"Well...i mean it's a possibility," Tom said.

"I know that's why I'm bringingit up. I don't need you to tell me something I already know. You almost didn't. And Kate, same. I don't want to go through that again," Alexa said annoyed and also scared.

"Yeah I know none of us do."

"At least she had a chance to live," Rebecca said quietly.

I put my hand over hers and moved my fingers.

"Yes while she's dying. Kate's there too only not as much as Anna this time. Don't you get it?" Alexa said her eyes wide leaning forward.

"Yes of course I get it! That's why I haven't said much cause it scares the hell out of me," Rebecca said also leaning forward.

"Whoa," Tom said quietly leaning back and putting his hands up.

It wasn't often that my girlfriend got like this.

"And Mom's Karen's your...whoever. She's not helping w/ anyone but um Anna. Oh and herself. Though I don't know how much her drinking is helping. She's probably drunk right now," Alexa said annoyed.

"Honey..." Tom said quietly looking at her.

"What we know it's true," she said looking at him.

"Have you given her a chance to not drink?" I asked looking at Alexa.

"I'm not the one who supplies the alcohol," Alexa looked at me.

"Yeah we know but it's like that's all you ever think she'll do all you ever expect," we heard a voice say.

We turned and saw Ashley come in. She was in pink and black.

"How do you think she's supposed to feel when this is how you are towards her?" Tom pointed out looking at Alexa.

"What so I should just let her hurt them. I like being at her place but i'm always so afraid," Alexa said: "and no one else seems to do anything about it."

"I know and I wish you'd stop."

"Fear is necessary. Esp. when it comes to protecting my sisters."

"No I get it. There were times when I had to take mine out for ice cream or w/e so they wouldn't see mom sick. But now that she's not here anymore...i'm not doing that. And in a way it's a relief."

Ashley had made her way to the coffee maker.

"You want any?" she asked me.

"What?" I asked distracted.

"Coffee you want some?"

"Oh um yeah."

"Ok. Anyone else?"

"Yeah i'll have some," Tom said.

"Hot chocolate for me please," Rebecca said.

"Me too," Alexa said.

"Ok."

"Yeah but I already stated that i-" Alexa said turning back to Tom.

"No and I know that."

"So. What is the plan for if Anna? You know goes. We need to have one. And come up w/ one for Kate too," I said practically.

"I think. It would be better if we just the siblings talked to dad about it. Er I mean jesse," ashley said.

"I understand," Rebecca said.

"Maybe mom shouldn't have more children. Since she doesn't seem to be there for them. Pam is more than mom is. But I won't let Pam..." alexa said.

She was saying she wouldn't let Pam in.

"I know you won't let anyone. Not even me sometimes," Tom said.

"I don't know that your mom will. I don't know that she won't either," Rebecca said.

"Rebecca and you have your life and I know you'll probably want children some day. So that's why Tom and I are putting it off. We have time. And also I'm in school, so," Alexa said looking at Rebecca and I.

"Oh alexa...that's so sweet of you love. Giving up what you want for your family. You already seem like a mom to me."

"It's not sweet it's my fukin devotion. My mom was. Well back in Boston she had all sorts of problems. And I don't want to be like her. Which is why I've worked so hard not to be. My own family, back there. No one kept it together and if they did it wasn;t for v. long."

"That sounds hard."

"It was."


	4. summer: Karen: mon

1 a.m.

Karen

It wa. Mon. Yesterday - Sunday - when jesse and id come home alexa had rushed to meet us. She informed us that anna was sick and had been for the past few hours. We'd arrived home at 11 p.m. we all drove to the hospital anna bleeding on my lap the way there. When we got to the hospital it was near midnight and they informed us that anna needed more platelets and bone marrow from kate. At the hospital they drew blood from kate put it in a bag and inserted it into anna arm. They had to do this before the bone marrow operation in case anna lost blood during that. This took 30 minutes. Because anna had lost blood and her body was still getting used to the transfusion she was shivering. The nurse we knew alice kept giving anna blankets. Theyd put both kate and anna under in order to perform the operation. Then theyd taken bone marrow from kates pelvis and inserted them into annas arm. The transplant took 6 hrs.

Jesse, Pam and I were waiting in the room, waiting to hear the results from Kate's bone marrow operation. We'd been at the hospital overnight. I was very tired. Before the doctors did the surgery they had anestesthized both Anna and Kate.

Alice came out into the waiting room.

"You can come in," she told us.

We followed her down the long narrow thin white hall and into the room. Our daughters were lying motionless, one on each bed.

"They're still asleep as you can tell. Sit down," Alice told us, pulling over 2 uncomfortable dark blue plastic chairs.

She sat in one and Pam placed herself in the other. Jesse brought over 2 chairs, one for himself and the other for me. We sat down.

Alice placed the charts on her lap.

"Your daughter's," she began, "lost a significant amount of weight."

"How much?" I asked.

"20 pounds."

"Wow."

anna, who had been her heaviest at 110, was now 90.

"Has she been sick lately?" Alice asked.

I looked to Jesse who was home more and would know such things.

"Yes. She's been bleeding a lot too," he answered.

"That's what landed her in here in the first place," Pam put in.

"That's what she told me. In a few days we'll need to give her a blood transfusion to balance her platelet levels. This might help with some of the bleeding."

"Will it stop it?" I asked.

Alice looked at me.

"It might," she answered.

She turned back to Jesse.

"will you remind me again of the family history of cancer?" Alice asked.

"My sister had it. AML."

"A rarity."

"Yes. She died from it, actually," Jesse continued.

"I'm very sorry Mr. Fitzgerald."

"Thank you."

"We're so afraid for anna, that she won't..." I said, my blue eyes wide.

Pam placed her hand over mine.


	5. summer: jesse

Jesse

We were at the hopital again waiting. After Tom brought me some coffee, he left. Evan had also left.

A doctor we knew came walking down the long narrow white tile hall. He was tall w/ dark hair and eyes. He was my height 5'6.

"Mr. Fitzgerald," he said when he reached me.

"Yes?" I asked, standing; "How's anna?"

"Come with me," he said.

I knew enough about doctors to know that they never gave you bad news in the waiting room.

I followed him down the hallway into an operating room. A curtain was pulled between the bed Kate was resting in and the one Anna was resting in.

"You might want to sit down for this," he told me.

He pulled 2 uncomfortable dark blue plastic chairs over and sat in one. I sat in the other.

"Unfortunatey the transfusion didn't go as well as we'd hoped. Both your daughters are asleep right now."

"What does this mean?" I asked.

"Because anna's been so sick lately her immune system's down," the doctor answered.

I already knew this was why anna had gotten the flu several times, because her body couldn't fight off infection.

"Which means that her system started attacking kate's blood."

I knew Karen would want to know about the platelets.

"We did, however, give her more platelets to make up for the blood loss."

"Ok."

"We also filtered her neutrophils and lymphocytes in order to kill off some of the ones that were making her sick."

I nodded.

"She'll probably be sick for awhile because her body's trying to get used to this."

I nodded, again.

"We haven't weighed her yet but my guess is that she's lost about 10 to 20 pounds."

"More?" I asked.

"Yes, Mr. Fitzgerald."

Thi meant anna wa now 80 or 70.

"What else can you do for her? How's kate?"

"Well, we're going to keep anna here for a few days. Once she wakes up we'll weigh her."

I nodded.

"Is there anyone else you know of who might be a potential match?"

"My son," I replied.

"Ok. We'll need for him to take a blood test. Is he here?"

"Yeah. How's kate?" I repeated my previous question.

"She's ok, really tired."

"Ok, thank you." I said, standing.

The doctor stood as well.

"You're welcome."

"Dad," Evan called as I was walking down the hall.

"Yeah?" I asked, turning around.

Rebecca was standing behind my son. Tom and Alexa were behind them.

"How is she?" Evan asked.

I knew he meant Kate and Anna.

"Well..." I replied.

We walked down the hall to the waiting room where we arranged our uncomfortable dark blue plastic chairs in a circle.

"How's Kate, Mr. Fitzgerald?" Rebecca asked.

"Well...unfortunately, anna's body rejected kate's blood," I told them.

"Why?" Tom asked.

"From what the doctor said, anna's immune system had been down, which is why Kate's body rejected the transfusion."

"Oh. What else?" Alexa asked.

"They gave her more platelets and filtered her blood cells in order to kill off some of the cells that were making her sick."

"How's anna now?" Rebecca asked.

"Well, she'll probably be sick for awhile. They want to keep her for the next few days."

"How's kate?" Tom asked.

"She's ok, really tired."


	6. Chapter 6

Evan

I went on my way to the cafeteria where rebecca, ashley, tom and alexa were waiting. On the way I ran into mandy.

"hey," I said.

"hey where you goin?" she asked.

"cafeteria."

"me too I could use some milk."

this was weird coming from her considering she didn't like mik by itself.

"um ok," was all I said.

Then: "rebecca, ashley, tom and alexa are down there."

"uh ok."


	7. Mon sept 5th, 2011:Mandy: meeting lia

Mandy

I was at school. it was before lunch. The bell indicating the end of morning classes had just rang. it didn't sound like a bell it sounded like a telephone. Students having just come out of their morning classes were milling about in the long narrow crowded hall. The floor of which was made up of white and brown tiles. The hallway was cold. I was at my tall thin metal locker which I'd opened bending down putting my books on the lower of the 2 metal shelve.

"Wow you're thin," a medium sounding female voice behind me said.

I stiffened, very aware of this person behind me.

"It's ok I am too. You'll become one of us," she ****c****ontinued.

Evidently she thought bc I'd stiffened I was embarassed by her comment. I wasn't embassaed just self conscious. And surprised she'd mentioned my size.

I stood moving to the side so whoever it was would have room to put their stuff in the locker. If it was theirs.

One of who?" I asked.

"The wintergirls," she leaned down and forward to put her books next to mine.

as the books slid onto the shelf I watched her. She moved slowly. Her long dark brown hair formed a curtain around her head. She was thin, wearing black pants, white flats and a soft gray v neck long sleeve sweater.

"The wintergirls?" I asked.

"Yeah. Neither dead nor alive," she said, standing.

That seemed an odd name for something that was neither dead or alive given it had the word 'winter' in it. And in winter everything was dead. 'fall girl' seemed more fitting since in fall it was between summer when things were happy and festive and winter when as said. Everything was dead.

She put one small hand on her back as she looked at the things - images, magnets and quotes - on the inside of my locker door. Her eyes landed on a picture of Twiggy. I recognised her hand on her back from doing it many times myself. It meant her kidneys hurt. Which meant she needed to eat. I'd spent quite a bit of time doing that myself last yr. when I'd been anorexic. And, no one paid attention to me. Well my mom didn't anyway she was too busy w/ my younger sister kate who had cancer. she'd had it since she was 2. I wondered if they were bruised at all her kidneys. the lady i'd just met.

"Twiggy fan," she muttered.

Her eyes scanned the things on the door.

"Yeah."

Not for her personality but for her physicality back then. Twiggy. that's why I liked her. I wondered what she was doing at my locker. The lady I mean.

"I'm Lia," she said quietly, turning back around.

Her hand dropped.

She looked right in my blue eye startling me. Her eyes wee dark. I saw the sadness and depth in them.

"Mandy," I told her quickly blinking recovering from being startled.

"Oh. I just moved here and apparently, we share a locker."

that answered my question. So it was her locker. Well now it was.

"oh ok."

"Where'd you move from? Who are the winter girls? Want to have lunch? Nice to meet you," I told her.

"The northeast. Myself and who__was__ my best friend," lia was annoyed then quieted: "And no. and you too."

she was looking ahead.

"Oh. Was?"

"Yeah she. um. she died."

"Oh."

I wondered how. And how long ago. We walked down the hall together.

"You wanna go somewhere?" she asked looking ad me.

"Where? I mean I don't want to eat," I said.

"I know me either. My car's warm. Or. we could go outside but it's kindof cold."

and it was. Outside it was cloudy cold gray and gloomy. I'd brought a black wool coat which I had in my locker.

"Um idinno."

"Ok."

so obviously she was at least 16. I knew you had to weigh a certain amount to drive but I didn't know what that was. But she evidently weighed enough to be able to drive as thin as she was. She grew quiet. Out of the women's restroom emerged Santana and Brittany. Santana had her arm around Brittany.

'she's gonna pass out,' Santana muttered when I saw her.

'oh', i mouthed back.

I didn't understand why she told me this. We went our seperate ways.

Lia and I continued walking. She was as thin as I was, her hips the most prominent part of her body.

"Heeyyy," Amber was approaching us and smiling at us.

She was with Dianna. Amber was in a yellow dress and dianna was in black pants and over her pants s was a big chunky brown and white cardigan the kind that tied w/ a thin belt. it had brown deer on it and brown and white horizontal not quite stripes. Amber's dark hair was down. Dianna's was pulled back in a low ponytail.

I looked at them.

"Girlfriend's got nice hips," Amber looked down towards lia's hips and then back up again.

Lia smiled.

"Hi Amber. Dianna," I said.

"Hi," Dianna said.

"Wanna have lunch with us?" Amber asked.

Amber was friendlier and warmer than dianna.

"No," I replied looking at ember.

"Oh. Ok."

"Oh. Ok."

"You don't have to eat. You could just. you know. sit," Dianna said.

"Dianna. That's like. the worst thing you can say," I said looking at her.

"yeah and?"

But clearly, she didn't care.

"so you don't care," I said piecing it together.

since lia was already thin I knew a comment like that might make her think she needed to become thinner. and although we'd only just met there was a part of me that cared about her.

"No I don't care I thought you knew that."

"And cmon be nice."

"Why?"

it didn't make sense why dianna was asking this since being an intelligent person she would've been able to figure it out herself.

"Cause she's new. And we've only jut met. And I want this to be a good experience for her."

__And something happened__ I thought. Well I knew what'd happened but I didn't know the details. It also didn't make sense for me to be answering dianna's question when she would've already known the answer herself. I was slightly annoyed by this. This reminded me of ashley's cousin annabelle who was often annoyed by such things.

"Yeah well I gave up my. um…..shouldn't someone be nice to me?" dianna said her voice cracking on the verge of tears.

I somewhat knew why she was close to crying but not all of it. I knew she'd had a baby last yr. but not what had come of that.

"dianna cmon let's go have some lunch," amber told her leading he away.

She came closer to dianna as she said this put her arm around her.

Dianna had never been all that nice to me. Even when she'd been over at the house for my sister ashley's sleepovers last yr. she wasn't nice to me. So I wasn't too surprised.

Lia said nothing. I sensed her discomfort.

"Sorry about that," I was obligated to apologise: "dianna's not always the nicest person."

We walked farther down the hall.

"She's right you know. Amber," I stated.

Lia looked at me; "the...?"

I knew she wanted to be nice.

I smiled at this at her: "yes the heavyset one."

"About?"

"You do have nice hips. Really. nice hips. actually."

She smiled at her shoes: "yay I accomplished something today. She'd be so. Um. Proud."

She was all excited. I wondered who she meant. she looked up again.

"Are you checking me out?" lia blatantly asked me looking at me.

She seemed excited by the prospect.

"Um no I wasn't I just. I like hips," I said.

I was surprised by how forward she'd been.

"Oh so you __do__ go both sides."

"Let's just say I'm good w/ playing on either side of the tennis net."

"Oh ok this could be interesting."

"I have a boyfriend though. Sorry."

"Oh. Damnit."

we resumed looking forward.

Rachel came out of the bathroom and walked quickly up to us. She was in a white sleeveless dress and flats. Her dark hair was down.

"You guys," she said.

"Yes?" I returned looking at her.

"Mr. Schue needs to talk to us."

"__Now?__ But it's...lunch."

I was surprised. it wasn't often that mr. schue wanted to talk to us at lunch. I wondered why now instead of after school like he usually did.

"Yes now."

"Ok."

"Not like you eat," she muttered, walking past us.

So therefore to her it didn't matter what time it was. I wondered which one of us she meant. She was looking a little thinner these days herself.

"Hey you should talk to your girlfriend," I told her.

"Hm why?" Rachel asked turning back around.

"She seemed upset about something."

"Oh. Ok."

She went off.

"Hey did you guys see what happened to Brittany?" Puck asked, joining us looking at us.

I looked at him.

He was in a gray button down and jean. He gave off body heat which was nice since the hallway was cold.

"No what?" I asked, as we made our way to the big metal doors at the end of the hall: "When I saw them santanna informed me Brittany was going to pass out. I don't know if I'd consider that sick unless she has…" I began.

What I had lat yr which was anorexia. Puck knew what I meant. he nodded indicating this.

"yeah idinno."

We pushed the big cold metal bar in the middle of the heavy doors forward opening the doors and walked out of them. In front of us was a landing and then 2 flights of stairs. We were between the first and 2nd floors. The 3rd floor was above us and then the cafeteria which wasn't big enough to hold the entire school.

"She's gotten sick," puck told us as we made our way upstairs.

"with what?" I asked.

I turned to lia: "Brittany's in the club w/ us. The glee club. Do you sing?"

"Not…not really," she said looking at me.

"Oh. As is amber. And dianna the blonde who was w/ her. And Rachel the brunette."

"Oh."

I felt that she was still depressed over her friend which was why she didn't say more.

I wondered how you can 'not really' sing. Either you do or you don't.

"I'm puck," puck introduced turning to lia.

"Lia," she said quietly.

"Nice to meet you."

"Yeah you too."

"He's in the club too," I told her looking at her.

"Oh."

So far she'd been quiet.

"I'm not sure," puck aid looking forward.

"Oh."

We continued walking up the crowded stairs. We walked up the stairs through the doorway to the next floor down the hall and into the medium size choir room. When we got to the choir room we all sat down on the gray carpeted bleachers. Dianna, amber and Rachel were already there. Lia sat next to me. the room had a white tile floor w/ small black dots on the tiles and white walls. It was cold.

"Finally I can sit down," she said relieved.

I looked at her: "tired?"

"Yeah and a bit winded. don't you have an elevator?" she asked looking at me.

"No not that I know of."

"Oh."

I wondered why she wanted one.

I knew what it was like to be winded. I got that way myself due to my anemia which was a result of my anorexia which I'd recovered from by developing bulimia.

"Do you want water or something?" puck looked at her.

"I uh no," she replied.

"Oh. Ok. Well let me know," he smiled.

"ok I will."

"Cool. Righton."

Puck was nice to all the new girls the main reason being he was hoping to have sex w/ them.

"Puck," I said to him knowing this.

I looked at him. He looked at me.

"Hm?"

"Just. Um."

'don't. don't break her and don't. you know. We've only just met her', I mouthed.

'ok' he mouthed back.

He'd already had sex w/ me. Bc of my past we'd gotten me drunk and stoned first. I hadn't ended up pregnant. before I joined the club ashley had been the newest member who puck had also had sex w/.

We all looked up when Mr. schue entered the room. As usual he was in a white shirt and a black vest and pants. He went to the front of the room.

"Brittany, has a cold and she won't be joining us," he told us: "so we'll need someone else to fill her spot. How bout…."

He looked around and his green eyes landed on lia: "you."

I wondered what Brittany going to pass out had to do w/ her having a cold. this answered my earlier question of what Brittany's sick w/.

"Oh I um. I don't sing. In fact I'm only here by proxy. Mandy and I share a locker and so I just blindly followed her up here. I don't know anyone else here and I don't know Mandy well. Oh I'm lia by the way. Sorry," lia sounded annoyed.

She looked at mr. schue.

"Ok….hi, Mr. schue. Why don't you sing?"

"Personal."

"You know music's a great way to express…."

"No I'm fine. not. Singing. Scuse me," she said and left the room.

"Sorry about that. She's new," I said.

"mmmhmm so we gathered," amber was also annoyed.

"So she's here bc she doesn't sing? A lot of sense that makes," dianna said leaning forward to look at me.

"Well not here at the school," Rachel said, clarifying.

She looked at dianna.

"Ok anyway. Who wants to take Brittany's place? Mandy? I mean I know you can be a bit wobbly at times but…." mr. schue said looking at me.

He meant physically wobbly. He looked at me.

"um. Maybe," I said.

I looked at him.

"Ok. Well that's not a definitive answer."

"Yeah I know and you know why. Now if you'll excuse me," I was annoyed as well.

"Um. Ok."

I left going down the hall to the cold bathroom where. I heard retching. It echoed in the bathroom. And was startlingly loud in the quiet bathroom.

"Um. Lia?" I guessed.

"What do you want?"

"It's Mandy."

"Yeah I know."

"I just. wanted to be sure you're ok. I mean obviously you're not ok but um. Maybe you want some company."

"Yeah whatever."

I sat down on the cold hard brown cement floor since she didn't seem to care either way. The floor wasn't v. comfortable. She was in a stall I was in the sink area. There was a wall between the 2 rooms.

She'd been so nice when we'd first met. Yeah a bit quiet and standoffish but nice. I knew what'd changed.

"omygod," she whispered; "omygod. I know this is my fault and that this is how cassie went but omygod. It sucks. Yes I'm one of those people who create their own storms…..maybe I shouldn't've said that but. No turning back now. I don't want to go through this alone."

"Yeah I know. yeah well you're not the only one," I s aid: "I think a lot of people are like this they just won't admit it most people arent honest enough to. Do that. And you won't."

I wondered if cassie was her friend who'd left. I still didn't know a whole lot about 'the wintergirls'. this was the most I'd heard her talk since we'd met. So far i'd learned she was forward, honest and nice.

"I'm sick Mandy! Even my dr says I'm healthy which is really fukin ironic. Well it's not like I drink," she laughed dryly.

"yeah well so'm I. I'll be right back."

Sick I meant.

I stood going out into the hall. I knew part of the reason she was sick was she didn't have enough water in her. This had happened to me as well at times. So I went in search of my sister Ashley who was always prepared. If the vending machine didn't have water I knew it would have Gatorade. Which would help.

I couldn't find ashley so I went to the vending machine. When I got to the vending machine I got a big plastic bottle of red fruit punch Gatorade then brought it back to the bathroom. From inside I heard voices.

"Look I don't know you but you need to eat. Or at least drink something. Otherwise you will die. Is that what you want?" my 17 yr. old sister alexa was saying.

"Well what the hell do you think?" lia said.

"You and 2 of my sisters. I'm not leaving untill you eat. Here."

Alexa must've pulled something out of her bag.

"No," lia said.

"Yes."

I went back into the bathroom. Alexa looked at me. She was dressed like Mr. schue. She looked relieved.

"Oh good Mandy you're here. She won't eat," she informed me.

"Yeah I know. I got this," I said looking at her.

"Ok."

She left.

The bathroom was quiet again save for lia's dry heaves. I sat down. I gave us both a few mins. to get used to the quiet.

"Lia," I said after awhile.

She didn't reply so I assumed she was waiting.

"Um. I brought you some Gatorade. You need it. That way you'll have something in you to come out. Here," I rolled it towards the stall door.

It took awhile to get to her bc of the distance between us.

"I'll keep you company but I won't. Come down on you like my sister just did. For now."

"thank you. If I don't always tell you that."

I smiled: "uh huh."

I heard her breathe shakily.

I knew how much better things were when you're thirsty.

Alexa came back in. I stood.

"Why didn't you get her something to eat? I have food….Ashley has food…." she asked.

"Why do you really want my opinion on the matter? Do you really want to know why?" I was getting upset.

"Um well…"

Alexa was surprised visibly taken back. Usually the only people who replied this way to her were Ashley and Kate. She didn't quiet know how to respond.

"Now will you leave? You're not making her 1st day any easier."

"Yeah make sure she eats something."

"I will."

Alexa left.

I sat back down.

"Hey sorry about that. That was my sister alexa. Ashley's my other one they're both older."

"Yeah I figured. It's ok. And thanks. And actually it's not my 1st day I've been here for awhile," lia said.

"Oh. So you don't sing? Well I mean obviously you don't sing. But um."

"No. I did only around cassie. And ever since….well, after. I um. I way she went was horrible and I'm doin the same thing."

So that answered that question. Cassie was her friend who'd gone.

"No I get it. Kindof. Ashley's the same way she won't play piano. Her mom, uh."

"got it. This Gatorade is really good."

I smiled.

When ashley's mother passed which was yrs. ago she'd topped playing piano.

"You're probably just really thirsty. And dehydrated," I told her.

"Oh wow," she said quietly somehow surprised.

"Yeah it gets that bad."

"No I know. And stupid thing is my body wants me to live."

"Yeah but pretty soon it won't."

"Yeah I know that too."

Oh.

"Yeah but pretty soon it won't."

"Yeah I know that too."

Oh.

so my presumption was cassie had passed from it. 'it' being the eating disorder she'd had.

"Do I really have to eat?" lia asked.

"Well I won't physically make you but um…" I replied.

She should eat.

"no I know. I'm damn scared to."

"yeah. I know. I get it."

And the thing was. I did. I'd been there myself many times when relapsing lat yr. I heard lia gasp for air breaking the quiet. I knew why.

"breathe normally," I told her knowing it was her anemia.

she did.

"it's those damn stairs," lia aid.

"I know," I told her calmly.

I stayed there w/ her untill 1 when lunch ended.

* * *

At 1 I left the bathroom and went down the hall. I was walking down it when I saw Brittany a few ft. in front of me sitting against a wall. She was huddled against it. I approached her. She was in her cheerleading outfitt and red and white letterman coat.

"Brittany? Why weren't you at the meeting?" I asked her looking down at her.

"I'm….really….cold and I….don't have the….ener-" she began looking up at me.

she couldn't finish.

I knew we had to get her somewhere warmer than the school.

My next thought was dianna who'd been wearing that big sweater earlier. It looked warm and if she gave it to brittany then brittany would be warm. I saw her come out of the choir room w/ Rachel.

"Hey dianna I need to borrow your coat," I told her approaching her.

"Um no. then I'd be cold," she said looking at me.

"omygod," I said annoyed: "but atm Brittany's colder than you. Than any of us even lia."

Who was suddenly at my side.

Who was suddenly at my side.

"I'd give her my sweater but…." she began.

Then she wouldn't be wearing anything.

"No keep it," I said turning to her.

"and whoa hey what's going on here?" puck asked.

"Dianna won't give Brittany her sweater," I told him looking at him.

"Dianna. Cmon," he said looking at dianna.

"no."

"Ok since you don't want to….I'll give her mine," puck handed over his black coat.

"Thank you," I said taking it from him and bending down and putting it around Brittany: "good to know __someone__ around here is nice."

I looked at dianna.

"mmm it's warm. And it smells good," Brittany said smiling.

She stood.

"I should hope so," puck said smiling.

They left. As they were leaving Rachel texted me; 'let me know if you need anything'.

'thank you,' I texted back.

* * *

it was nearing 6 still light out when lia, brittany puck and i'd come into my big white house. Alexa and her tall, thin 21 yr old. boyfriend tom were sitting on the white living room sofa. They looked our way when we came in.

"Has she eaten yet?" alexa asked looking at lia.

"No we just got in will you give us a minute?" I told her looking at her.

"Well she needs to and so do you."

"Yeah I know."

"Honey they just came in will you give them a minute?" tom told alexa looking at her.

"No tom I won't. I can't run this household all by myself," she said looking at him.

"and who said you had to? that's why I'm here."

"I'm the next oldest."

As the next oldest after Ashley she thought this meant when mom wasn't here she was allowed to run the household. she had a hard time accepting help from anyone and usually didn't.

"How long has it been since kate went in for her transfusion?" I asked.

"A couple hrs."

Oh.

"Oh."

"What do you want to eat?" I asked lia looking at her.

"um. Where's your kitchen?" she asked looking at me.

"Right through there."

"Ok."

She headed that way.

"how's brittany?" I asked.

"she's ok she just got really cold. Santana was excused from afternoon classes so she could stay w/ brittany in the nurse's office. The nurse said it was ok. She also said to keep brittany warm. So I. Am going to go get some blankets and stuff," puck said.

"Ok," I said looking at him.

He went upstairs to get some blanket. Luckily the heat was already on.

"Sit down have a drink," my 17 yr. old sister lily told Brittany from the sofa.

she was in a long white dress her dark hair down.

"A drink won't help," I told lily looking at her.

"no but it'll distract her."

"oh."

I remembered that when someone got really cold they should change into warm clothes. I wondered who would have something that would fit. Ashley might. I pulled out her phone and texted her this then texted puck.

Lily, much like myself and our older brother evan, was v. perceptive and knew when something was wrong. she aid what he said cause she knew being distracted would help Brittany.

Brittany made her way to the sofa and sat down.

Brittany and lily had already met.

"You doin anything tonight?" tom asked me.

"No adam might come by."

Adam's my boyfriend. We knew each other from school. We'd met last yr. he was 16 I was 15.

"Ok then we're. Going to head out."

"Ok."

They stood and left.

The reason they were at the house a lot after school was so they could look after my twin louisa, my sister rose and I. mom was often at bar and dad was either w/ his girlfriend jennifer, at the hospital or teaching an art class at the college. Dad and jennifer had met last yr. She was tom's aunt the sister of his mom sylvia who'd passed from cancer awhile ago. He had 2 younger sisters olivia and fiona.

"Good now we can have some peace," I said settling on the sofa next to lily.

"Yeah I know. You doin ok?" lily asked me looking at me.

"um. I haven't eaten much."

"Oh. Yeah me either. Rose should be back. At some point from wherever she is. I'm not sure where that is actually."

"Ok."

"Louisa of course is w/ cherie."

"Right of course."

Cherie was louisa's girlfriend.

"Hey um mandy?" lia called from the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

I looked toward the kitchen.

"Is it ok if I make some pasta?"

"Yeah that's fine."

"Ok."

"god alexa should take up drinking. You know something to take the edge off," lily said.

"Yeah I know but she won't. After Ashley and evan fell…." I said.

"Right no I know."

"Where's evan?" I asked of my 19 yr. old brother.

"w/ Rebecca."

Rebecca was his girlfriend. They lived together. He was 18. they'd met last yr. when she'd been pregnant. it had been almost a yr. since her miscarriage.

"Right. Of course. How's anna?" I asked of my youngest sister.

"Well she wasn't great today she was sick. Again. Um actually later tonight Louisa's giving her more marrow."

"Ok."

anna now had cancer was diagnosed last yr.

"I don't know that they'll take the marrow of a drunk person," I pointed out.

Louisa drank a lot.

"ooh good point. Um….well. Dad'll do it," lily told me.

As lily and I talked we didn't look at each other.

Puck came back downstairs w/ 2 big fleece blanket which he wrapped brittany in. I looked at puck.

"Here you go sweetie," he told her looking at her.

He was standing in front of her when he wrapped her in the blankets.

"Thanks."

He smiled.

"you wanted to talk to me about something?" he asked.

"um yeah kitchen."

"ok."

we went into the kitchen.

"so?..." he asked.

"um well while you were upstairs I remembered that people who are that cold should put on wam clothes."

"oh that's right..."

"yeah so I texted ashley and asked her for some."

"ok. Also brittany should probably be upstairs since heat rises and all."

"right ok."

we went back into the living room where I got my coat and put it on. I'd taken it off when I came into the house. I sat back down next to lily.

"damnit they keep those schools cold," I said.

She didn't say anything.

"Hey you want anything?" puck asked turning to go into the kitchen.

"um no not. Not right now."

"Ok."

He left.

"You want any?" lily asked looking at me and holding up a red plastic cup which I knew had alcohol in it.

"No."

"Ok."

At that moment rose came into the house. she was in dark green. Her red hair was down.

"Hey who wants dinner?" she asked looking at us.

"Well I know I'm hungry," lily said looking at her.

"Ok. Mandy you?" rose asked looking at me.

"Ok. Mandy you?" rose asked looking at me.

"Well I should so…yeah ok. A little."

"Ok."

She went in the kitchen.

"After this I'm going to see my mom," lily told me.

"Ok," I said.

Last yr. Lily found out her mom was raven dad's sister who she now lived w/. she'd moved out over the summer.

"and Hannah's coming by to have dinner and then they're going to her parents'."

"Ok."

'they' being Hannah and her friend gavin.

and last thanksgiving Hannah found out her parents were mark and lacy, dad's friends from college.

"Karen will be back at some. Point."

"Ok."

So it would just be me, lia, puck, adam, Brittany and rose in the house tonight.

"How was rehearsal?" lily asked.

"I don't know I didn't go," I replied.

"Oh. Yeah I know that's what alexa told me. She was all up in arms about it too you know her. And why? Er I mean why not?"

"Yeah I do. I was keeping lia company."

"Oh. Lia…lia…I feel like I should know who that I."

"The brunette that's in the kitchen presumably making pasta."

"Oh her. she's pretty."

"Yeah she is. I only met her today. I don't know a whole lot about her other than she apparently doesn't sing."

Hannah and gavin came into the house followed by santanna. Hannah was in a black wraparound and gavin was in a blue button down and jeans. Santanna in a black peplum dress.

"Hey I wanted to see how she's doin," santanna told me coming in.

She meant Brittany.

"Ok and hi. You're welcome to stay for dinner rose is cooking."

"Ok."

"what is she cooking?" Hannah asked looking at me.

"I'm not sure," I replied.

"Oh. We brought some if you want."

"No but alexa should have some. She won't though. Er not that she's here to have it but," I aid.

"Yeah I know."

We meant pot.

"Rose might though."

"Ok."

I filled them in on who was where telling Hannah to tell rose. They went into the kitchen and santanna went and sat by Brittany.

At that moment Rachel came in.

"Hey I wanted to see how she's doing," she said sitting on the other side of Brittany.

"Yeah so did santanna," I told her.

"Yeah so I gathered."

"Oh."

I wondered who else would stop by. I noticed that neither roe, Hannah, gavin, antanna or Rachel had taken off their coats when they'd come in.

When Ashley turned 18 which was how old she was now she'd moved into her own place which was in our brother's building. They were close. She'd been dating ben from school off and on for almost a yr. she and puck were still close. alexa, Lily, rose and Hannah were also all 17. Louisa and I were 15 and in our 1st yr of high school. Kate was 14 anna was 11 and evan was 19. dad was still w/ jennifer alexa still w/ tom I was still w/ adam. Louisa was still w/ cherie. Ben was 19 and already in college. Next yr. ashley would be going off to college. Roe and alexa would get their own place though alexa might end up moving in w/ tom.

Ashley was still working 3 jobs and had taken another one as a prostitute. She still took dance. So she still barely got any sleep. We hadn't heard from marie in ages. One day she'd just left never to return. I hoped she was ok.

Ashley along w/ most of the people in the glee club except for me and adam were in their last yr. of high school. I was 15 he was 16.

Along the way Ashley had fallen as had our brother only he wasn't stripping or prostituting. Or taking dance. Or cutting. They both along w/ smoking cigs had taken up drinking. And smoking pot. Ashley had developed an eating disorder.

Rose also drank and smoked pot. Hannah and gavin were their suppliers

* * *

__in the upcoming chapters mandy finds out what happened to dianna's baby. we find out why lia wants an elevator, more about Mandy's past and Brittany's cold, the wintergirls, why Mandy's physically wobbly. Rachel talks to her girlfriend. more on the relationship between puck and Brittany and puck and mandy.__

__Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. thank you.__


	8. at tina

Meanwhile at tinas .

Tina, chris, amber and tinas brother mike were all at tinas sitting on the sofas in her living room. Tinas parents were out for the night.

Tina shifted: "ow."

"you still hurtin?" mike asked.

She had physically for awhile.

"yeah."

"um. Where?" chris asked.

"everywhere actually."

"yeah youre lookkin thinner," amber said.

"woww that's nice of you."

"what I shouldn't be honest?"

"try and have some compassion next time," chris said.

"here," mike said giving his sister the blanket.

"thanks."

Tina sighed.

"we should have dinner," chris said.

"yeah and I don't feel like cooking so," mike said.

"I vote for pizza," amber said.

"yeah but I want to go somewhere."

"mandys?"

"maybe. Ill text her," chris said.


	9. Chapter 9

__Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thank you.__

Mandy

For dinner Rose had made us pasta. There were 16 people for dinner. 4 people ate 1 box of pasta so we had 4 boxes. Prior to dinner Lia had made herself a box so we ended up using 5 boxes. Lily, Hannah and gavin had stayed for dinner and then left Lily had gone to her mom's and Hannah and Gavin had gone to Hannah's parents. Tina, Chris, Amber and mike had come for dinner and stayed. Jesse, Evan, Ashley, Alexa, Rose, Hannah and Lily switched days of the week they cooked dinner. Sunday was dad's night Monday was Evan's Tuesday was Ashley's Wednesday was alexa's Thursday was Rose's and so on. Which meant it was Thursday. Mom far as we know never made dinner.

It was now 7, after dinner. Alexa and tom hadn't returned nor had my mom. All of us except for lia and the people who'd left were sitting on the sofas in the livin room.

Lia wasn't feeling well so she'd gone upstairs. Brittany had warmed up a bit though we'd kept the blankets on the sofa. We'd given her hot drinks and food to warm her up more. even though her head was warm the rest of her was cold this meant she had chills. and for some reason she hadn't brought her winter coat w/ her to school today.

Rachel and Santanna were on either side of Brittany. Tina, chris, Amber and Mike were on the other side of Rachel and Puck, myself, Adam and Rose were on the other side of Santanna. We heard retching from upstairs.

"We better go check on her," I said.

"scuse us," Adam said.

Puck, Adam and I went upstairs and down the hall into the bathroom where Lia was getting sick.

"Oh honey," I said.

Next to me Adam and Puck smiled.

"Oh. good. I was getting. lonely. Your sister here?" Lia asked looking at us.

"No," I answered.

I wondered why she'd asked and which sister she meant.

"Here," Adam said handing her a cup of saltwater.

"Thanks."

She drank it and out came more of her insides.

"You probably ate too much and your body couldn't handle it," Puck told her: "I'll go get some cranberry juice for when she's ready."

He went back downstairs.

"shhh it's ok shhh," cherie soothed someone downstairs: "I need the. bathroom."

"yeah I know I've been here before," cherie said annoyed.

"Oh," mike said.

"Clear the sofa."

"Ok."

I knew Louisa had come home drunk as she often did.

"I'll go check on her. And I wonder what's keeping Puck," Adam said standing.

"Ok," I said.

He left us in the bathroom.

"I'm sorry about this," Lia said.

"Why I'm not. I've been there myself. So has Kate. And Anna. And Louisa … lily," I told her.

"I know but I know Rose made us all this big nice dinner and .I'm so disappointed. Damnit I should've done better."

"You still blame yourself. don't you."

She looked at me her eyes big: "yeah. I do."

"Oh hon. I get it. There was a time when Kate my sister when Kate almost .we almost lost her."

I'd taken on Ashley's habit of calling everyone 'hon'.

"I know it's just. you've all been so nice to me. Well except for alexa. Ok so you and Rose have. And the others seem nice too."

"Well I don't see why we wouldn't be we usually are to new people. Dianna can be kindof bitchy though. And you were probably hungry."

"Yeah but I .I should've waited. Damnit."

"You're really tired aren't you."

She nodded.

"How are your kidneys?"

"They hurt."

"Ok you need to drink cranberry juice. And have calcium. I don't want someone else going through that."

I moved to her and put my arms around her.

She was cold: "you're not freezing. Not on my watch."

She exhaled. I felt it her body rise up and down against mine.

"Stay calm," I told her.

"Now that's something I like," Puck said from the doorway.

"Puck shut up," I told him looking at him.

He came in and closed the door, sa on the floor and setting the cranberry juice down next to him.

"I have to drink all that?" Lia asked looking at the big bottle her eyes wide.

Puck laughed: "no."

"Oh."

"But I do want you to drink some of it."

"Yeah you need to," I said.

"Ok," Lia said obviously too tired to protest: "yeah I am tired. But thing is I never sleep."

"Yeah and you won't untill you get some food in you."

"But I'm scared!"

"Yeah I know you are."

"Hey your sister's home," Puck informed me.

"Yeah I know. How is she?"

"Well she didn't look good."

"Oh."

"Hey the elevator thing," I said: "er. I mean why did you ask if we had an elevator?"

"Oh cause that way I wouldn't have to walk as much and it wouldn't be so hard to breathe when I was," Lia answered.

"Oh."

Downstairs we heard Louisa argue w/ someone.

"You need to drink this," it was Lily.

"No."

"You need something in you besides alcohol so you're not as hungover tomorrow."

"I don't care!"

"Yeah well I do. And someone has to."

"I .I do too," cherie said.

"Oh well you're. One to talk," Louisa said.

"Yes and that's exactly__why__ Louisa. is bc I've been there. And so has Ashley. And evan. Look," Lily's voice got quieter: "I'm not telling you to stop. I'm telling you to drink this."

"damnit Louisa!"

I wondered what'd happened.

"Lily don't yell at her you're not helping," cherie said.

"Oh like you are. Supplying the drinks the way you are yeah a lot of help that is."

"just what. the hell is your problem."

"Really this again?"

"Why'd she come here anyway?" Adan asked.

"She got lonely over at my place," cherie answered.

"Oh."

"You alrite?" Puck asked me.

"um yeah I. I'm going to go talk to Adam."

"Oh. Ok. I got this."

"Yeah I know.

I went downstairs.

As I walked down the stairs my head started hurting w/ every step. And the yelling didn't help. I often got headaches but hadn't gotten one in awhile. I squinted hoping that would somehow help.

Adam noticed this.

"Hey you alrite?" he asked.

"Yeah um. My head," I replied.

"Oh. The yelling isn't helping."

"Well no."

"You want to go outside?"

"Yeah ok."

At that moment evan walked in.

Adam and I walked out back where it was dark and cold. And quieter.

"Better?" he asked.

"um. A little."

* * *

__In the upcoming chapters we find out why lia's scared and what she's scared of, mandy finds out what happened to dianna's baby, more on Brittany's cold. Rachel talks to her girlfriend.__

__Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thank you.__


	10. Puck

__Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. thank you.__

* * *

Meanwhile back upstairs .

Puck

"How ya doin?" I asked Lia coming behind her taking Mandys place.

"Well not great. I mean, obviously," she replied.

"Yeah I know it was. Kindof. Actually not even 'kindof'. It was."

obvious.

"No I know. It's fine."

she meant it was fine it was obvious she wasn't great. But she didn't sound like it was. But it wasn't though. It wasn't actually not really. Fine that is.

"I have something that'll help," I told her.

"Pot?" she guessed.

I smiled laughing; "no not pot. No um me."

"um I don't want ."

"and we won't," I told her knowing she meant sex.

"Oh."

"Just trust me."

"But I barely know you."

"Yeah well."

"oh. Ok."

I ran my hands up and down her arms. And brought the curve of my right hand up to her long dark hair moving it. It was soft.

"You have soft hair," I told her into her neck.

"mmm," she said.

I kissed her neck. She was cold.

"You're cold," I told her.

"You'd be too," she replied.

"Yeah I know."

That reminded me. I wondered how Brittany was doing.

"Hey Santanna!" I called leaning back so I wouldn't yell in Lia's ear.

"Yeah?" Santanna called back.

"How's Brittany?"

"She's good she's better."

Oh.

We heard someone come upstairs. I pulled back from Lia afraid whoever it was would tell mandy. When I looked I saw that it was rachel.

"Hi," Rachel said.

"um hi," I said.

"Puck I'm not gonna tell," Rachel told me smiling.

She meant she wouldn't tell Mandy. She knew Mandy would be protective of Lia and might start something w/ me as a result.

"I mean she's nice and everything but I barely know her. We're 18 and she's 15. There's a big difference. Also we only just met, so. I don't think you should do. that w/ every new girl in the club but I won't tell. You forget I'm nicer than I used to be."

She closed the door behind her.

"Thanks," I said.

"Well yeah. We can't trust each other if can't remain open and honest w/ each other ."

She had a point.

"I'm .I'm 18 too. Which is why it's weird that Mandy's my locker person being that she's 18. But they haven't had time to switch that yet," Lia informed us.

"Oh. I don't think we've yet met I'm Rachel," Rachel introduced.

"I'm Lia."

"Nice to meet you."

"Yeah."

"This your senior yr.?"

"Yeah."

"Me too."

"Oh where you going to college?" Lia asked Rachel.

"New York. i'm going to be an actress. and you?"

"I don't know."

"Oh. Well a lot of people don't. what do you think of Denver?"

"It's a nice place, cold."

"Ohio's the same way that's where i'm from. and you?"

"The northeast."

"Oh."

"Hey so what's goin on w/ Dianna?" I asked Rachel thinking she might know.

"idinno. I think it's more than just so she wouldn't be cold. I mean the. reason she wouldn't give Brittany her coat. do you know?" she asked.

"No I'm as lost as you are on that. And even if I did I wouldn't tell you before she had a chance too."

"Right right. Actually she hasn't been in awhle."

"I didn't see her all summer. After school ended for the yr. she just. Kindof took off. Disappeared." I said.

"ghosted out." rachel said.

"Yeah. I know she was pregnant but I don't know what happened to the baby other than she doesn't have it any more. I mean. obviously. And it was my baby too."

"I thought it was Cory's?"

"No I thought she told you it was mine."

"She might've."

"Oh. and that was the yr. before. I mean that people thought it was Cory's but it was actually mine. last yr's. it __was__ actually mine.," I corrected Rachel.

"Oh."

"How's Brittany?" I asked.

"She's better she. Just got really cold," Rachel told me.

"Oh. Wow," I'd watched my sister and Mandy go through the same thing.

"Hey make sure she doesn't go out tonight I don't want her getting colder," I told Rachel.

"Ok. I'll tell santanna that."

"Ok."

"There's something going on that I don't understand. W/ dianna I mean."

"No right I figured. Lois Wilson."

"the founder of AA."

according to the hallmark movie about her that had been a quote of hers.

I noticed lia hadn't been drinking any more of the juice.

"Hey you should drink more juice," I told her.

"But " she began.

Well she was clearly a little less tired if she was starting to protest.

"You need it. Your body needs it. That's all you have to do right now," I said.

I put my hand on hers. She was still cold.

"She's still cold," I told Rachel.

"I'll get a blanket and maybe some tea," she said.

"mmm tea sounds good," Lia said.

"Ok or you can have tea but please drink something,"' I told her.


	11. Mandy

Mandy

"Do you want to go on a walk. or something?" Adam asked looking at me.

"to where?" I asked.

"I don't know just out. I know that helps sometimes."

"No I just want to stay here."

"oh. Ok."

He sat down on the ground taking me w/ him. I was sitting in front of him. The lawn and outside were cold quiet and dark. I'd forgotten to bring my coat. I took chapstick out of my pocket and put it on my lips. It wasn't the chapstick he'd given me.

"I thought I bought you that medicated chapstick," he said.

"Yeah you did and thank you but-"

"then what happened?"

"I lost it."

"Oh."

I didn't work but Adam did. I couldn't legally in our state. You had to be 16 and I was 15. since I didn't work it meant I wasn't able to buy the chapstick being that I didn't have the money.

He slipped his hands under my shirt. They were cold.

"god your hands are cold," I said.

"Sorry."

"No it's actually really helpful. Just, surprising. I'm not like Lia or Brittany. I'm not. That cold."

"Oh. Yeah Brittany wow. I don't know what exactly happened but wow Dianna wasn't nice," Adam was surprised.

"Yeah she often isn't."

"No I know."

"Oh."

"and I don't know what exactly happened w/ Brittany either."

Adam ran his hands along the unintentional cuts on my back.

"anemia again?" he asked already knowing the answer.

I nodded: "yeah."

"You need to start taking iron."

"Yeah I know but no one has offered to buy me any and when I've asked evan or Ashley they've been too busy. Esp. Ashley."

"What about your dad?"

"well what __about __my dad?"

"he's you …."

"He's another person to ask yeah I know. But he's too busy w/ Ashley. And Kate. And Anna. Also I don't want him knowing."

"you mean you don't want him to help you. You don't want him involved."

"well..."

he had me there and he knew it.

"And oh. I've offered to buy you some in the past Mandy. But if you don't want any .if you don't want to recover ..if you you know."

want to suffer.

"then... But see I'm not going to not be here for you whether you want me to or not. I have an obligation to you. As your boyfriend. If we broke up yeah it would be easier for you to. do this. But even if we did I' still worry and I'd still care."

"Yeah and my mom doesn't. and sometimes I actually prefer that."

"No I know. I don't like that. Honestly I think that was part of your problem last yr was that even when your mom was there she wasn't there for you. But she was for Kate. And that'll always be there. You've let Evan in. Why don't you let me in? it's a bit insulting. And don't sit there and tell me you don't mean to. Look you're really nice. But you're also an addict. And you know just as well as I do that addicts are selfish."

he was saying that maybe I didn't want to let him in bc I was selfish.

"Yeah and so was Kate."

"But she's better now. And she's not an addict. Look I know something happened to you that I don't understand. And I'm sorry it did. But why are you blaming Kate?"

"bc her disease is serious enough for her to miss school and be in the hospital for at least 2 yrs!"

"And you don't think that yours is that serious."

"no."

"Look if you need to get away. Or, something. I will take care of you. I will physically take care of you as much as I can. Frankly I think Alexa could use some time away too. Its like she doesn't trust the world to be ok."

"Either that or she's afraid our mom will hurt us," I said.

"Yeah but. It's like she's holding you back from that. She's not even giving your mom a chance."

Adam was saying that since Alexa took over so much she didn't give my mom a chance to be involved. And when she was involved no one liked it. We knew Mom drank a lot whereas Alexa didn't. She didn't feel she was allowed to in case someone got sick or needed to go to the hospital or something. Dad drank a bit and we knew Ashley drank as did my sister Lily.

"You know what my mom's upbringing was like! Are you saying ours should be like that too?"

"No. I'm just. Alexa needs to get away. Otherwise she will end up w/ an addiction. Look your dad can take care of things. He seems like he'd be able to fight off Karen."

"Well have you told alexa that?"

"No but I think I will. Excuse me. I'll be back."

He left leaving me outside in the dark.

Lia came out.

"Hey thought you might want some," she told me handing me something and sitting down next to me.

When I took it from her I felt it was a full plastic bottle.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Salt water," she told me.

"um. Ok."

"It seemed like you had a headache which is often accompanied by nausea. Well. For people like us it is. contrary to popular opinion a good thing to do is when you're sick is don't get rid of it since your stomach already has acid in it. But it also depends."

"Oh."

Lia was nicer than she'd been earlier which was interesting.

"I gave some to Louisa too."

"Oh. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah a bit now that I'm out here. It's so still."

"Yeah I know that's why I like it."

"Whoa."

I looked at lia wondering.

"My heart rate just slowed way the hell down. Which usually would worry me but well. As said. I'm oddly calm."

"bc. It slowed down."

"right."

"and you're right it should. You have bradycardia. And I. have anemia."

"Hey me too!"

I knew after the salt water I'd want to purge all my food. Yes I was switching from anorexia to bulimia. I was going to go to king's which was open 24 hrs and purge there.

I stood.

"I'm going to the store," I told lia.

"oh. Ok."

"I'll be back in an hr or so."

"ok."

On my way to the store I texted rose and told her to get me some iron pills. And that I'd be at the store.


	12. Chapter 12

Ashley

after glee I'd had ballet from 6 - 8. It was now 8:30 p.m. I was sitting on the black rectangle leather sofa in my apt. Ben was asleep in my room. I was drunk off 2 mini bottles of Listerines ince at 18 I wasn't old enough to legally drink in the states. The Listerine was $1 per bottle. A lot cheaper then the stuff from the liquor store. Evan wasn't old enough to drink either actually.

A knock came from my tall thick white door.

"Yeah come in!" I called drunkenly.

The lock turned and in came dianna. I'd given her a key awhile back. She closed and locked the door. We lived in the same same building as my brother.

"Hey ben here?" she asked looking at me.

"Yeah but hes asleep so."

"Oh. You drunk?"

"Well i'm sure as hell not sober. Yes i'm drunk," I said sarcastically.

"Oh. I got the real stuff."

She came and sat next to me.

"Yeah so Brittany was really cold earlier. Colder than lia. Have you met lia? No I don't think you have."

No but id seen her around.

"no but i'd seen her around," I said.

"And I wouldn't give her my coat. Brittany I mean," dianna told me.

"Right."

"And so Rachel and I got in a fight. Of course now shes being all nice to everyone now," dianna was annoyed.

"Yeah I remember when she wasn't."

"You good?" dianna asked looking at me: "and don't you have work?"

"um no not yet. In an hr or so."

"Oh."

"and I don't know. I mean yes. Er no. erm um. I feel weird," I said sinking down into the sofa.

"Yeah it's the Listerine."

"Yeah I know. Alcoholics'll try anything."

And I did. Feel weird. I was really out of it and sleepy. And numb. But behind the numb was pain physical pain. My kidneys and on the sides of my spine. And slightly nauseous.

"Oh god," I said in response to the nauseau.

Dianna looked at me.

"do we have salt water?" I asked looking at her.

"I'll get you some," she said standing.

"Ok."

She went into the small kitchen.

"and weed," I said.

"Yeah I don't have any. Hannah might though. Ima need money."

"You know where it is," I said not in any condition to get up.

"Ok how much ya want? And which?" she asked turning back around and looking at me.

"2 oz should be good. And uh. The kind where you're ok doing things."

"Ok hold on."

"Ok."

I stood and slowly made my way to the small white cold bathroom where I sat down on the floor. Dianna stayed in the kitchen during this. And waited. The door was closed. I heard a knock.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"It's me," dianna said.

oh.

"Yeah come in."

she opened the door and came in closing it behind her. She handed me a cup.

"Here," she told me.

"Thank you," I said taking it from her.

"and no it's not more listerine. It's water. I'ma get you some weed i'll be back."

"Ok thank you."

She left closing the door behind her.

I set the cup on he floor and then opened the toilet. I picked up the cup and started drinking praying to the salt water gods for this to work. My mom had taught me this as had mandy. Well not her specifically but I knew bullimics often used salt water to purge.

I then got sick.

Another knock came on the door. Wow that was fast.

"Back so soon?" I asked.

"Um. It's Ben I don't know who you were expecting cause I've been here for awhile," he told me.

oh.

"Oh. Um dianna. She left to get pot."

"Oh ok. You ok in there? Well er obviously not but I mean. What's goin on?"

"I got drunk what do you think?" I said a little annoyed.

"off listerine? Again? Ashley."

"Well I'm not old enough to legally drink."

"Then have Evan get you some booze."

"Actually he's not old enough either."

"Oh. Well there's Lily...or the blonde's girlfriend. I mean it's your choice I just don't want you drinking listerine."

"Yeah well no one wants me to."

"Well actually you're right. You need anything?"

"um. Company though not in here. Like. Don't go anywhere."

"Ok."

"and more salt water."

"Ok."

"omygod I don't feel good."

"Yeah and you're not going to for awhile. you might feel better but you won't feel great until you stop."

He was right. I didn't like his blatant honesty but he was right.

Last yr. Serena and I'd broken up when I'd started spending more time w/ Ben. She decided she was interested in Cory who was w/ Rachel but then they broke up when Rachel started spending time w/ dianna. And so dianna and Rachel were dating now as were Cory and Serena. And I was still w/ Ben.


	13. Chapter 13

Last yr. Serena and i'd broken up when i'd started spending more time w/ ben. She decided she was interested in cory who was w/ rachel but then they broke up when rachel started spending time w/. dianna. And so dianna and rachel were dating now as were cory and serena. And I was still w/ ben.


	14. Mandy: store purging then at pansy's

Mandy

It was 9 that night. I was in a stall of a bathroom of a store. I'd had some salt water. It wasn't too long before what I'd eaten came back up. This went on for 20 mins. After I felt cold for a few mins. I stayed there for a few mins. before leaving. I then left the store and went outside.

I was there alone in the cold darkness. I thought about the binge.

'you're so strong,' I thought. 'you can eat. And then binge. No one else does that. Yeah food is ewy but you eat anyway so they think you're healthy. When they couldn't be more wrong.'

I pulled out my friend and texted my sister Louisa's friend pansy who'd become my friend; 'hey you doin anything?'

'no and I could use some company,' she texted back.

'ok'.

I headed to her place.

On the way there I wondered why, if Lia was at least 16 and I was 15, we shared a locker. And where in the northeast she was from. And how her friend had died. Her anemia was the reason she'd gotten winded earlier today. I'd had the same thing before I became bullimic over the summer. I wondered what kindof music she liked and why she didn't sing but I'm guessing it had to do w/ her friend.

* * *

When I got to Pansy's big house the big wooden door was closed but unlocked. She often left it unlocked. Since her mom Margo was on tour a lot Pansy had the whole place to herself. We didn't know where her dad was. he didn't have any siblings to contact to get this info from.

I opened the door and stepped in closing it behind me.

"Yeah?" she asked from the medium size living room.

"Hey," I said.

"Oh hey come in. you know where everything is."

she'd sank into the black rectangular chair she'd been sitting in.

I went to the white fridge and got a soda. They kept it well stocked. Then I went to the living room where pansy was drinking a soda watching tv. It was 10.

"Hey what's on?" I asked her looking at her.

"um not much. 'The office' which I'm not a big fan of," she answered looking at the tv.

"Yeah it's ok."

I sat down on the rectangular sofa.

"I got pizza," pansy informed me.

"Yes I see," I said looking at the box on the black square wooden coffee table: "even though I just finished."

Pansy knew I purged.

"How was your day?" she asked looking at me.

"Ok long. Um I met a new girl in school Lia. She seems nice she's pretty. She's anorexic too."

"oh wow. Well bring her by sometime."

"Ok I will. Adam's worried of course Louisa came home drunk. Um Brittany's sick. Rose made this big dinner for everyone you should've come. They would've liked to see you," I said looking at her.

"Yeah. I like your house. But then I might've had to you know. Eat."

"Yeah. But you're always so polite."

"Right. Here no one expects me to eat. That's why I like it."

"Well you know you're welcome anytime."

Pansy smiled: "thanks yeah I know."

"Oh hey Rose gave me iron pills. Here. You need them," I told pansy giving one bottle to her.

She put it on the coffee table. I knew she wouldn't be taking them.

"How's Kate?" pansy asked.

"She gave Anna a transfusion and when I came home they were still at the hospital."

"Oh. How's Jessica?" she asked, about a friend of mine.

Jessica was dianna's younger sister.

"don't know."

"Oh."

"How's your mom?"

"She's in the production of 'Dracula' they do every yr. so busy as usual."


	15. lia

Lia

After Mandy left I stood there in the cold dark not feeling anything. I'd developed peripheral neuropathy again due to my anorexia. The way it worked was that I couldn't physically feel anything and then after awhile I did but whatever I felt really hurt. In a way I'd almost rather have the hurt.

I heard the back door turn while it opened.

"Hey," puck said coming out.

"oh hey," I said looking at him.

"Aren't you cold?" he asked approaching me.

"Cold?" I asked unaware.

"um yeah. Lack of heat warmth."

"No I know what it means."

"Sorry I just. You seemed surprised when I asked so."

"Oh um yeah I guess I am."

"Oh. Mandy took off?"

"Yeah went to the store.

"Here," he put his coat around me.

"um wow thanks. Wait you like me don't you?" I asked understanding.

"Yeah. I think you're really pretty. And your hair's soft."

"Oh. Mandy forgot hers I think. Before she left for the store. So she'll be cold for awhile."

"right um. Idinno if I should go after her or not um. Well not like. Go after her but go and give it to her."

"yeah idinno either. You 2 seem close."

"Is it ok if I smoke?" puck asked.

"Yeah why not? No I mean it won't bother me any,"

"Oh. Ok. Want one?" Puck asked.

"A cig? No."

"Oh ok. A drink? I brought 2, so."

"Ok why the hell not? We're going to do it anyway."

by which I meant have sex.

"Mandy told you?"

"Well no but you're kindof obvious, so."

"Oh right."

"and I can't feel a damn thing right now, so."

"Should I be worried?" he asked.

"No."

"Ok. So when?"

"um whenever. Just make sure I'm good and drunk 1st."

"Yeah that's how it was for mandy too."

"Yeah she seems nice."

"Yeah she is. Oh I have pot if you want some ..and kate has some. And Hannah. I mean before we. You know."

have sex.

"um. I'll try a bit."

"Ok."

"damnit im nervous."

"You ever done it before?"

"Yeah once," I answered: "cassie and I ..she was, my best friend...we..."

I was eluding to the fatc that cassie and I had. Had ex or something similiar.

"was?"

"Yeah she um. She went away."

"No I think I get it."

"Ok."

I stood and went into the house. On the way in I lost my footing on the ledge that was the house floor and twisted my ankle.

"o, my god," I said feeling the soreness.

Puck looked at me. I was able to see him better than I had been when we'd been outside where it'd been dark. Well it still was.

"I, just, twisted my ankle," I told him.

"Oh. Hey Rachel?" puck called.

"sSe's upstairs w/ Brittany," chris called from the living room.

"Oh."

"Why?"

"um where's the aspirin?"

"Why what happened?"

"Ok will you not yell?" I said suddenly irritable due to the soreness and the headache I had coming on.

"Sorry. Do you want help getting to the living room?" puck asked.

"No."

"Ok."

"Puck?" chris called.

"Yeah hold on."

"ok."

When we got to the living room chris, amber, tina and mike were sitting on the sofa.

"Hey where are the others?" puck asked.

"Upstairs w/ Brittany," chris answered: "mandy and adam left. louia and cherie are somewhere. Well adam left after mandy."

"Oh. Ok clear some space get off the sofa."

"What happened?"

"She twisted her ankle."

"oh."

"I'll go get some aspirin," tina said standing.

Mike went into the kitchen. Amber put a pillow on one end of the sofa. I sat down on the sofa.

"anything else we can do for you?" chris asked.

"uh well my head hurts," I replied.

"I'll take care of that," puck said.

As I lied there w/ ice on my ankle and pucks cold hands on my head I thought. What I really wanted to do was to go back to where I'd moved from which was across the country and go to the cemetery and visit my. friend. Who'd left like. Almost a yr ago. that's why I'd left. After she. left us I'd moved into an abandoned place one she and I used to go to. And then when it got to be too much I'd stay there for days. No one could reach me but her. I came close to the end many times. And then after awhile. I moved across the country to denver w/ what little I had. Enrolled in the high school. And now here I was w/ people I barely knew but who were nice but willing to take care of me. But what if they leave too? Just like she did. Maybe I'll leave before they do. So I wont have to watch them go. Even though it already happened and I'd come back. Not that they knew. They didn't.

I moved my ankle for a moment forgetting how sore it was and who I was w/ and where I was.

"What's wrong?" puck asked.

"um. Just thinking about my friend," I replied.

"Oh. I've lost people too. If you ever want to talk about it I'm. I'm here. Or even if you don't."

"What for fuking?" amber said.

"Hey!"

"Well it's what you do."

I wanted to have something for my friend here. A shrine, or. Something. I just wasn't sure where. I didn't want to start completely over yet. I wasn't ready to.

Mandy was the 1st person I'd met here. She was nice. Pretty, thin. But I was slightly thinner so I was winning. And my friend had been. Even thinner. So thin she'd disappeared.

I wondered where mandy had gone.

"Hey where's mandy?" I asked.

"um I'm. Not sure," amber said.

Oh.

"Oh."

I wondered what her story was if she'd ever lost anyone. I didn't have control over losing my friend. And I didn't like that.

Not only was my ankle itself sore but my bones hurt. This was why I didn't like ice cubes. They're sharp. I liked the slivers better. And my bones hurt bc I'd lost so much weight I had osteopenia. I shifted under the ice.

I shivered lightly.

"Oh right. We were going to get you a blanket," puck aid.

"We?" I asked.

"Mandy and I. cause you were cold earlier. And we .don't have any left on the um. Ofa."

"Oh. and I still am."

Puck looked at chi: "chri?"

"Yeah I'll get her some."

"Ok."

Chris went to the linen closet and got me a big fleece blanket which he put over me.

"here you go," he told me.

I smiled: "mmm thank you."

"You're welcome. You're going to be laid up at least untill monday depending on how bad it is so you'll only miss one day of school."

"oh. Ok."

"i thought you already knew," puck said.

"um. Knew what?" I asked.

"where mandy was. You were the one who told me she was at the store."

"oh um...yeah my memory. It's not great at times."

"no i'm not upset i'm just letting you know."

"oh. ok."


	16. dianna

Dianna

Glee had ended at 5 and then I'd had dinner at my place then gone over to Ashley's apt. I'd just left Ashley;s and was now going to Hannah's. It was 9. I was going over to hannah's to get pot.

When I got to Hannah's medium size house her pretty mom lacy answered the white wooden front door. She smelled like weed and perfume. She had long dark hair and was in a long black dress. She was standing in the doorway.

"Hi mrs. um ..mrs. Hannah's mom," I said unsure of what Hannah's biological last name was.

Lacy smiled: "please call me lacy."

Oh. Ok.

"um is Hannah in?"

"Yeah hold on."

"Thank you. I'm Dianna btw friend of Ashley's."

"I know I've seen you around."

Oh.

"Oh."

Lacy went in then Hannah came to the doorway.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi. Ashley needs stuff," I told her.

I meant pot.

"Ok which? Is Kate good?"

"Yeah Kate's good. The kind where you're ok doing stuff."

"How much?"

"2 oz I got the cash."

"Ok."

She went inside and came back to the doorway w/ a quart size Ziploc bag of pot. I gave her the cash and she gave me the bag.

"Thank you," I said.

"Yeah. Let me know if anyone else needs some."

"Ok."

"Sorry if I'm being rude but a: I have a friend coming over and 2: even though it's legal to have but not consume which is weird I'm still. Careful."

"No got it," I said.

I left and headed back to Ashley's.

On the way there I thought. Rachel, Ashley, santanna, Tina, Puck and Ashley's brother Evan had all discovered last yr that my dad was hitting me. What they didn't know was that he'd stopped. The bruises on my arms were from lack of vitamin d. I had some on my legs too. that's why I hadn't wanted to give Brittany my coat. each time Rachel touched me I was afraid she'd think my dad was still hitting me which actually in a way I preferred over her thinking I didn't have enough vitamins. We were intimate a lot less often than we used to be. I didn't want her to see them. She'd make me eat or something which I didn't want right now. She and the others didn't know my dad had stopped. All Rachel knew was that something had happened she didn't understand.

My dad had stopped hitting me but he was still hurting my mom and my younger sister Jessica. I felt bad about not being around as much for my sister and instead spending my time elsewhere. But I didn't want it to happen to me again. I also didn't want either of them to find out I'd started drinking last yr. Puck knew and he was the only one. I knew he wouldn't tell.

I had bruises but not from my dad hitting me which he'd stopped doing. From lack of vitamins. Which meant that Rachel and I were a lot less physical, intimate.

Even though my dad had stopped hitting me I was never at my house bc I didn't want my dad to start hitting me again. Which he hadn't been but he'd been hitting my mom and my sister Jessica. I didn't want my mom or Jessica to find out about my drinking which had started last yr. and the less I was at my house the less I had my dad's alcohol. And the less angry he was w/ me about that. That was my solution. Puck was the only person who knew about my drinking and I knew he wouldn't tell. I'd started stockpiling my dad's alcohol.

It was 9:20 when I arrived at Ashley's. I went inside put the weed on the table. She and ben were on the sofa.

Puck was there too.

"Hey you're up," I said surprised to see Ben.

"Yeah hi. This lady over here got sick, so," Ben said meaning Ashley.

"Yeah I know that's why I left."

I was saying I left to get pot for Ashley. It would help her feel better

"How much?" Ashley asked meaning how much did I owe her.

"20. And Puck owes me 20."

"Oh."

"Well I mean I figured you and Lia ..would want to."

I meant would want to have sex: "Since that's what you do to all the new girls. Me, Rachel, santanna, Brittany who's really too stupid to know what was happening," I was projecting my guilt from not having seen Jessica in awhile onto puck.

And Brittany. Who wasn't here.

"oh wow well that was nice of you."

I presumed Lia would be nervous about having sex w/ puck. so had Rachel. And so had Ashley. And I knew pot would make Lia less nervous. Puck was saying it was nice of me to get pot to help lia.

"Hey did you bring soco?" he asked.

"No did you want some?" I asked not having known this prior.

"uh yeah."

"damnit. I know a guy ..yeah I'll get some tonight if it's ok w/ you."

"Ok."

I pulled out my phone and texted the guy.

"And I," Ashley said standing, "have to get ready for work."

"You're going like that?" Ben said once she stood.

"Yeah what's wrong w/ how I look?"

After ballet ashley had changed out of her ballet clothe and was now in all black.

"Nothing nothing. I mean other than you're drunk."

"Yeah well I'm never sober so. But my breath smells great."

"That's not what they'll be worried about."

"The only thing that really sobers you up is time," I said.

"Yeah I know," Ashley said turning to me.

Oh.

Her phone buzzed: "yeah ..yeah I know I'll be there in 30. yeah I know that too. Yeah ok."

She hung up.

"That was santanna. She covered my shift but hers is about to start hers so now Chris is taking over mine. Which means they're paying them both extra but not me which is fine w/ me since I strip, so. I don't really care honestly."

"Yeah but you will care once you get fired," I said.

"You sound just like her. And I'll find another job. Maybe I'll teach ballet."

"drunk?"

"Hey give me your light," Ashley told me changing the topic.

She meant lighter that's what she called them.

"look I won't always tell you what you want to hear," I said: "and here."

I gave her my lighter.

"Thank you," she said lighting the pipe.

She went into her room w/ it.

"Hey we want some too," I called.

I meant pot.

"Yeah later after I'm done," she said.

Ben went into her room.

Id had my 1st baby beth in june of 2010 and my 2nd in may 2011 which had been 5 months ago. but I was now pregnant w/ my 3rd. Id been pregnant for only a wk and had untill the end of may to go so that was the entire school yr.


	17. tues sept 6th: rachel

Rachel

It was the morning of tues. sept. 6th before school started. I was by the choir room.

"hey Rachel welcome back," she told me

"thanks," I said looking at her.

I turned to the side and coughed. I felt more tired than usual.

"honey you're not getting sick are you?" Dianna asked approaching me.

"no I don't think so," I said.

"ok good. I wouldn't want you getting sick…since you just got back and all."

"mmk."

-XXXX-

It was after school and we were all in the choir room. I was sitting between Cory and Dianna.

As the hour progressed I thought about me and how I was doing. As the day had gone on I'd become more tired. I felt achy.

I looked at Tina: "do you have any Aleve?" I asked.

"no hun sorry."

"oh."

Ashley heard this and looked at me: "what's wrong?"

"I don't feel good."

"oh."

Mr. schue looked at me: "are you ok to sing?"

"yeah," I replied being all womanly in front of everyone.

"ok."

Cory put his hand over mine.

"your hand is warm," he told me.

"yours is freezing," I remarked.

"only bc yours are warm."

Oh.

"oh."

Dianna puts the back of her curled fingers on the back of my neck. They were so cold they burned. I jumped.

"ow!" I said.

"sorry," she whispered.

"Rachel?" Mr. schue asked looking at me.

"yeah I'm good."

"ok. Now lets gets started."

"maybe you should take a break," Dianna told me quietly.

"no I'm ok."

"for now," she said, annoyed.

It was later that night and I was at home in my bed. Id gone straight up to my room which my dads found odd. They'd asked if I wanted anything but id told them all I wanted was to be left alone and that I was tired.

"Rachel honey," my dad Aaron called up to me.

"what?" I managed.

"there's someone here to see you."

"I don't want to - " I coughed - "see anyone."

"its Dianna."

Oh.

"oh. Ok," I said reluctantly.

A few minutes later I heard soft footsteps come up the stairs down the hall and into my room. The door opened and then closed and in came Dianna holding a cup and a yellow washcloth.

I turned towards her as she closed the door behind her.

"oh. Hi," I said.

"hi sweetie. This, is for your throat," she held up the cup; "its tea."

As I swallowed I noticed my throat did hurt a bit. I nodded in agreement.

"and this," she held up her other hand, "is to bring your temp down."

Now that I realized it I was glad to have company. The company of a soft pretty woman.

I nodded.

She approached me and set the tea on the nightstand next to my bed. And the washcloth down on the bed.

"here ill help you sit," she said taking me by the arms.

"it hurts," I said as she helped me readjust.

"I know hun. I know."

She got me into a sitting position and picked up the tea.

"here. Drink," she told me.

"ok."

She put the cup into my hands and helped me drink.

"thank you," I said.

"uh huh. Keep drinking. God you're warm."

She took the yellow and put it on my forehead moving it back and forth. It felt good.

"that feels really good," I said.

"I know it does."


	18. mon sept 12th: rachel

It was a few days later and I was still sick. I was up in my room trying to rest. Stomach down on my bed. A knock came on my door.

"huh?" I said quietly.

"its me," Dianna said.

"oh. Come in," I said waving her in, which hurt.

She did closing the door behind her.

I felt her approach the bed and me.

Her cold hands lifted up the back of my shirt and I felt the soft yellow move across my back.

"ooh," I said in response to how good it felt.

"yeah. I know….hi love how are you doing?"

"still sick. How's everyone?"

"the same."

"and Cory?"

"I haven't seen him. No one has."

"oh."

After wed seen another schools glee club performance we realized wed never measure up that we weren't as good as them. And wouldn't win at regionals. So wed become insecure and depressed.

Dianna set the yellow on the back of my neck and began rubbing my back w/ her hands.

"omygod," I said as her hands dug into me.


	19. tues sept 6th,: mandy

Mandy

Last night after I'd come back to my house from pansy's I went to my room and got in my small soft comfortable bed and wrapped myself in my blankets. I'd forgotten to take my coat when I'd left and so being out there w/o a coat i'd gotten cold. Another reason I got cold was my anemia. It was Tues. At breakfast today I'd learned that when I'd left my house to go to the store Lia had sprained her ankle and she wouldn't be in school until next Mon.

It was now after school and time for glee club rehearsal. We were all in the room including Brittany, alexa, ashley and I. Mr. schue was at the front of the room we were on the bleachers. He was in his usual vest, shirt and pants as was alexa. Brittany was in a pink sweater and white pants.

"What songs are we doing for the upcoming dance?" Rachel asked looking at him.

She was in a black sleeveless dress.

"Well I'm glad you asked. We'll be doing at least 3 for the Halloween dance. 'edge of glory', 'maybe this time' and 'bed of roses'," mr. schue answered looking at her.

"What do those have to do w/ Halloween? Wouldn't something like 'witchcraft' be more fitting?" puck asked looking at him.

"That's on my list actually. Oh we're also doing 'I am what I am'."

"You, didn't answer the question," alexa said annoyed looking at mr. schue.

"Oh. Well they don't actually."

"Well then why are we doing them?"

"bc. Though other than 'witchcraft' and 'I am what I am' they don't have to do w/ Halloween 'edge of glory' does in a way. And I've always thought rock music and fall... halloween go together."

"Oh."

"edge of glory?" tina asked.

"It's about the death of her grandparents. Lady gaga I mean," I told her looking at her.

"Oh."

"How are we dividing this up?" Ashley wanted to know looking at mr. schue.

"Well since you, Rachel, Dianna and Santanna are leaving this yr. I was thinking you'd do 'maybe this time' and 'witchcraft'. Santanna you, Dianna and Ashley could do 'witchcraft'. Ashley and Rachel would do 'maybe this time' and 'I am what I am'."

"Ok."

"Not the Gloria Gaynor version," santanna aid.

She was in purple peplum.

"No."

"Oh. Damnit. If we were then I could do it but I don't really do broadway."

"I know."

"Ok so as soon as we're done w/ the Halloween show we're going to be rehearing for the winter show," Mr. Schue said.

"Ok."

"Also. The fall show we're doing is Jekyll n hyde. Auditions are Monday after glee club rehearsal. And we're having a winter one but I don't know which yet. The spring one is Priscilla Queen Of The Desert. Auditions are after Halloween. so yeah we'll be busy. If you're not in the shows or you don't want to be that's ok you can still help w/ them. Oh and we need 4 more guy members since ben's not here anymore. Well even if he was we'd still need 3. Ok so let's get started. Ashley and Rachel come up to the piano. Tina, Mandy and Chris you can do ****backup ****for 'I am what I am'."

we started dancing.

Rachel put her hand over her mouth as we were turning.

"Rachel?" mr. schue asked looking at her.

"I'm fine," she said.

We ****continued ****dancing.

Rachel looked at Mr. Schue wide eyed.

"You can go," he told her.

She left.

We resumed our dancing. After a few more mins. we finished rehearsing the dance for 'bed of roses'. we still had to rehearse the one for 'edge of glory'.

For 'bed of roses' we had our left hand in front of and to the left side of our face w/ our right arm curved over our head toward the front. Then we bent our right arm and curved our right hand. Brought out right arm to the left so the fingers were touching. Turned the right arm w/ our palms facing forward fingers toughing and making a circle on each hand. Right arm moves to the right. Then we moved back and forth w/ our right arms also moving.

"Mr. schue?" ahley asked looking at him wide eyes.

"Yes Ashley you can go. You too Mandy. But when you 2 and Rachel have time we need to get in more rehearsal time," he replied looking at her and then mandy.

"Ok."

We left going to the bathroom.

We heard Rachel and dianna talking.

"Hey," ashley aid coming in.

"Oh. Hi Ashley," Rachel said looking at her.

"Hey. You 2 ok?" looking at them.

"Well we both got sick."

"Yeah I know but I don't completely get what happened."

"um I. haven't eaten yet today," Rachel said.

"I've been there. Are you hungry?" ashley asked.

"No i'm just um. Dizzy. Whoa."

"You probably have low blood sugar. I'll get you some soda."

"Ok."

Ashley left.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi mandy," Rachel said.

"Hey mr. schue says you're going to put in extra rehearsal time. When you have time."

"Oh."

I wondered why rachel hadn't eaten.

After glee club rehearsal and dinner. Mr. schue had kept alexa and I an extra hr. untill 6 bc we'd missed rehearsal yesterday. I wasn't all that excited about being in the same room as my sister. I wasn't the biggest fan of her.

We'd had dinner at 7 and it was now 8. Adam and I were on my bed in my room making out. His hands were on my sides.

"godamn would you gain some weight?" he said.

"If you haven't noticed I have. But spending all my time w/ you and then w/ lia is keeping me from doing it," I replied annoyed.

"Oh so it's my fault?" adam was annoyed.

"No I. no."

"It's like you don't care about me."

"But I do," I protested.

"Really? Well when was the last time you did anything for me?" he asked disbelieving.

"I have you over a lot. You know you're always welcome."

"No I meant besides that. Cant you feel your ribs?"

"Yeah I can but not as much a you can. Not as much as I used to be able to."

"I. it's just frustrating. Going up and down w/ you like this. You gain weight you lose it. The only time you're actually good is when you're high from purging. I don't even know when the last time you took iron was."

"earlier today actually."

"Oh."

He starts to get on top of me. I tighten.

"What?" he asks.

"We ..I can't do this," I said being reminded of what had happened to me when I was 12.

"But you did it w/ puck last yr. you, ashley .."

"I was drunk when I did it w/ puck."

"and you weren't even in a relationship. so is that all you can do is have drunken meaningless sex?"

He got off me and threw his hands up.

"It did mean something ok? It meant a fukin lot!" I aid also getting up.

And also throwing my hand up.

"So the only way to get you to do it I to get you drunk. Well there's plenty of alcohol in the house just ask louisa or maybe even her girlfriend. Or your mom," he was getting more annoyed.

"pregnant," I muttered.

"What? Honey you won't get pregnant I have stuff and so do you. Or have you already?"

"No I ..no. i'm not."

"Well damnit Amanda! What is it that you haven't told me? That you're apparently willing to tell your brother. And ashley. And puck. What don't I get."

I didn't say anything. No one ever called me Amanda they hadn't in a yr. they guy who'd done it had.

I stood.

"No i'm not Amanda," I said and left.


	20. Chapter 20

Puck

It was after rehearsal and we were at Mandy's. Well. I was at mandy's.

"Puck or, somebody?" I heard Lia ask from upstairs.

I went upstairs.

"In here," she called from the bathroom.

I went down the hall and knocked on the door.

"Yeah come in," she said.

ok.

I went in and closed the door behind me. There she was lying on the floor.

"god this floor's uncomfortable," she said.

"It's not meant to be comfortable. How's your ankle?" I asked

"It's. A little better but not by much. I've been in here for awhile. Not cause of that though."

oh.

"Oh."

"No I'm sick."

w/ how thin she was she looked sick.

"Do you want blankets or. Oh nvrm," I said seeing she already had some on her. And under her.

"Have you eaten yet?" I asked.

"No I've been to sick too. I got some 7up earlier. It's in the tub."

"Your blood sugar's probaly low."

"Yeah I know why I feel this way."

oh.

"No I know."

"I'm cold," she said.

"You don't have enough of you yourself physically to stay warm."

I hope she wouldn't get colder.

"damn," I said.


	21. wed sept 7th

Mandy

it was the following day wed. it was lunchtime. Puck and I were sitting together at a long table in the cafeteria. I was actually eating. Well ever since sept. i'd been eating more than I had last yr. And then of course purging it back up. But I was still cold though. Over my coat I was wearing puck's. And he was wearing one of evan's a long black wool one. Evan had borrowed one of our dad's.

"How's brittany?" I asked since I hadn't yet seen her in school.

"Well she's still sick," puck told me.

"Oh. Think she'll be at rehearsal?"

"No."

"Oh. She's one of the best dancers we have."

"Yeah and ashleys' good too. She'll be better in a wk. Probably. Brittany I mean. I'm going to pick up something after rehearsal for her. If you want to come then um it's ok," puck told me looking at me.

"right," I said: "and ok."

He looked at me a minute.

"What?" I asked sensing this.

"I just I mean. Wow...you're..."

"what that i'm eating. Yeah I know big surprise," I was annoyed.

"No I just. I know maybe you probably didn't feel like we were but last yr. We were all so worried about you. And we're. Not as much now though I know adam is," puck told me.

"No everyone was worried about kate," was still ann I was still annoyed.

"and you too," puck said quietly.

"Well not my mom. She still isn't actually. No it's all about kate for her. And anna. Sorry I mean I love my sisters I just. I wish it were different ya know?"

"Yeah I know. It will be when they recover."

"and stop relapsing you mean. Yeah but I don't want to wait until that happens I want them to be better now. Mainly so. My mom'll take care of me. But that's me being selfish. Rebecca and pam have been great but. That's different. I had that once. When I was little from what I vaguely recall. We lived in fl. Then. I was 3 when kate was diagnosed w/ cancer but I don't remember that at all. When I was 10 I remember mom and dad being scared a lot but I didn't really get why."

"Yeah that sounds hard."

"It was."

"How are you doing do you need anything?" puck asked.

"Well just your coat for the day but that's it," I answered smiling.

"Ok."

"You know if kate or anna...if they. Go, soon either ashley or i'll notify you. The siblings and I came up w/ that plan yesterday."

"Ok. Yeah I know ashley told me. Hey would you ever want to sleep w/ me?"

"what like have sex?" I asked in surprise.

"No like actually literally...i mean I know you're w/ adam but iidnno I thought it would be nice. We haven't done that. I've done it w/ ashley and dianna. Well. Not together."

"Yeah no me too. I mean it would be nice. I'd like to. Adam gets jealous though so."

"Right."

Lia was sitting at the end of our table. Not eating of course.

"Good to see she's back in school," I said.

"Yeah it is. But god she's so tiny though. You were once...um no it just. It worries me. I don't know her so I won't say anything but yeah," puck said.

"Yeah I think it worries her too. I know...actually we'll talk later," I said not wanting to talk about lia when we were around her.

"ok."


	22. thurs sept 8th

Mandy

During the day on sat. mom and dad had come back from the hospital tired. Yesterday morning between 3 and 4 a.m. The siblings dad and i'd had a talk about anna's situation. It was the only time ashley wasn't busy. Alexa admitted it was a lot of work to be there for us if mom hurt us. And that's why she was going to finish school before she started her oown family. She and evan were scared of anna leaving quickly. I think we all were. They;d again brought up the point that they'd been scared for me last yr. We knew if it happened while anna was in the hospital the nurses would notify our parents. Dad had agreed to notify evan and evan and ashley would tell us. If it happened at the house when alexa was there she'd notify us. That was our plan. The only people who were able to donate blood from our family were dad, alexa and evan. Pam and jennifer had.

it was mon after school and glee club. I'd had dinner and was now in my room.

I was sleeping when I heard the door handle turn I woke up. I wondered who it was. Whoever it was came in and opened the door. When they came in the room smelled like my mom. so that's who it was. she closed the door behind her. It was weird she was at the house at this time cause she was usually at work untill 5. Maybe she had the day off or something. I felt rather than heard her approach me.

"get up," she said once she had.

"I what?" I asked not fully awake yet.

It took me awhile to be fully awake.

"get up," she said again.

I started to when she grabbed my arm got me up and knocked me down to the floor. she then left. I was so shocked that I didn't react.

_In the upcoming chapters we find out why lia's scared and what she's scared of, mandy finds out what happened to dianna's baby_


	23. fri sept 9th: Mandy

Mandy

It was early tues. morning. I was in the living room of our house watching tv cause I couldn't sleep. I still had chronic insomnia from my anorexia. That's another thing they don't tell you. You learn a lot about yourself biologically and physically when you have anorexia. The house was quiet the room was lit. I heard someone come down the stairs and wondered who it was. The smell reached me before she did alcohol and perfume. It was my mom still in what she'd been wearing last night. she came into the living room.

"Turn that off," she aid.

"But I. can't sleep," I said.

she came closer to me.

"Turn that off. I can't sleep either and that's keeping me up. I have work in a few hrs."

I wondered why she had work on a Sat.

"You don't work on Sat.," I said.

she stood in front of me leaned forward put her hands around my wrists trapping me on the sofa.

"I said. Turn that off."


	24. Chapter 24

Karen

I was sitting in the kitchen drinking whiskey thinking about the fact that i'd just trapped amanda. She'd turned the tv off but I hadn't heard her go upstairs. Maybe she was still scared so she was probably afraid that if she went upstairs i'd do more i'd do worse. And I didn't know yet. The kitchen was quiet. I knew what those days had been like. I'd been scared of my own dad. And my stepmom elizabeth hadn't done anything about it nor had my own mom. My stepdad was old and had died awhile ago. And i'd also been scared of my brother andrew who I hadn't seen in awhile. He hadn't come to thanksgiving last yr. I hadn't wanted him to. Not even evan knew about him but jesse did. And I think pam did she'd been through the same thing via her sister lia's boyfriend. It's not something I told most people. I think that's why I did it to . I wanted someone else to be scared as scared as i'd been. I told her the tv was keeping me up which it wasn't I just wanted an excuse to scare her. But I did and I do have work today.

Awhile ago mandy's friends from school and her new friend lia had come by. They seemed nice from hearing them talk in the kitchen. I'd met them briefly last yr. At a sleepover ashley'd had. I hadn't yet met lia.

I wondered if my brother david was up I thought i'd give him a call.


	25. Rachel: rehearsing

Rachel

we were in the glee club room. During lunch that day tina, chris, santanna, dianna, ashley and I'd rehearsed 'maybe this time', 'witchcraaft' and 'I am what I am'. For maybe thi time' we'd be sitting in chairs and for 'witchcraft' we'd be snapping while singing. For 'I am what I am' we'd stick our legs out in front while our right hand would make a circle then it turned w/ the palm facing forward then turned and then extended so the palm face backward. Then we'd raise the hand bend the arm arm goes down arm down then we'd move back forth. We'd all come into the glee club classroom 10 min. ago. Now we were going to rehearse 'edge of glory' and 'bed of roses'.

For 'bed of roses' we had our left hand in front of and to the left side of our face w/ our right arm curved over our head toward the front. Then we bent our right arm and curved our right hand. Brought out right arm to the left so the fingers were touching. Turned the right arm w/ our pamls facing forward fingers toughing and making a circle on each hand. Right arm moves to the right. Then we moved back and forth w/ our right arms also moving.


	26. tues sept 13th

Mandy

It was after glee that day. Lia and I were sitting in the hall dianna was off getting water.

"Lia," I said.

Even though she wasn't in the club we were waiting for my brother to pick us up.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"What are you scared of?"

"I um. I'm scared of ending up like. Her. Like. My friend."

"But she didn't have what you have she had what I have."

"No I don't mean that."

"Oh."

"I'm scared of. Of dying."

I remember those days. Of being so sick you weren't sure if you'd make it or not. Going up and down.

"I remember those days," I said.

"Yeah I mean. I don't know anyone here. My family doesn't know I'm here they just know I'm somewhere."

"So you just took off you didn't tell them you'd left?"

"No. I didn't want them to find me. I miss my sister but. I'm not ready to go back there yet. To the place where she. Well not just the place place in the place. Er I mean like. Vegas is of course in nevada. And something awful could've happened in vegas and so even just being in nevada. Would remind the person of."

"Right," I said.

Up until now I hadn't known she had a sister.

Lia stood. She went elsewhere. Dianna came back and sat next to me.

"Hey," she said.

She wasn't someone who said 'hey' a lot.

"Hi," I said.

"So um good rehearsal," she said awkwardly.

"Yeah it was. um. I have a question."

"Ok."

"Why...i mean...you were pregnant and then...so what happened?"

"um well. My first baby which was Cory's though everyone thought it was Puck's. I gave to rachel's mom."

"Ok."

"And the 2nd one I. I just don't have anymore."

"Miscarriage?" I asked having gone through it myself when I was 12.

"No I just don't have it anymore. And no I didn't get an abortion. Scuse me," she said standing.

Well that answered my question somewhat.


	27. lia 33 times

Lia

after mandy and I talked I thought about my friend the one who'd gone from what mandy has. And I wondered if mandy would go that way. The night it...she it happened my friend called me 33 times and I didn't answer once not once. We had an on and off friendship and at that point we were off.


	28. mandy more on the secret

Mandy

the miscarriage I was referring to when i'd asked dianna if she'd had one i'd had it back when I was 12 and I was 15 now so that was 3 yrs. Ago. I was in my 1st yr. Of middle school. My body couldn't handle it and I was also 12 so I was so . Well I still am now. The father was the guy who' me the night I ran into puck although I didn't know at the time that it was puck. He wouldn't the father I mean he wouldn't take care of it. I wanted to drink a lot then but I didn't cause I didn't want anyone knowing. Evan knew i'd told him last yr. Not many others knew.


	29. wed sept 14th: Ashley

Ashley

it was 3 a.m. the next day. I had ballet in an hr. from 4 – 6. I'd been fired from my waitressing job but still worked at the bookstore and at the strip club. I'd applied for another waitressing job during the lunch hr. I'd gotten soda from the kitchen and had brought it up to the bathroom where Anna was awake and sick.

"Hi honey. Here's your soda," I said putting it on the floor and closing the bathroom door.

I sat down on the floor.

"Thanks ," she whispered.

"Sure. Anything else I can do for you?"

"No I….just stay here untill our parents wake up. Ok?"

"Ok."

I opened the bottle for her and handed it to her.

"Why cant Evan take me?" she asked referring to our brother who was 19.

I sighed.

"I've explained this to you anna. They need parents to sign you into the hospital sweetie."

"Oh. But I don't feel good."

"I know and I'm sorry . There's only so much we can do for you."

"Oh," she was disappointed.

"I have ballet in an hr. and then I'll come back here for breakfast. School's at 9."

"But..." she began to protest not wanting me to leave.

"I know. I'll ask hannah or um Kate. Or maybe dad er I mean mr. er your dad will stay w/ you until we get back from school."

"oh."


	30. thurs sept 15th: mandy

Mandy

It was early morning. As usual I couldn't sleep. I was in my room listening to music. Lousia was at cherie's. My mom came down the hall and into my room where she grabbed me.

"turn that off," she told me.

"I. I cant sleep," I said.

"you can never sleep. Well neither can I and I have to be up in a few hr."

she threw me on the floor and then hit me.


	31. fri sept 16th

Mandy

I was sleeping in my room after school when I heard the door handle turn I woke up. I wondered who it was. Whoever it was came in and opened the door. When they came in the room smelled like my mom. so that's who it was. she closed the door behind her. It was weird she was at the house at this time cause she was usually at work untill 5. Maybe she had the day off or something. I felt rather than heard her approach me.

"get up," she said once she had.

"I what?" I asked not fully awake yet.

It took me awhile to be fully awake.

"get up," she said again.

I started to when she grabbed my arm got me up and knocked me down to the floor. she then left. I was so shocked that I didn't react.


	32. mon sept 19th: mandy 2

Mandy

It was Mon. Sept. 15th 5 p.m. after glee club rehearsal. We were all sitting in the uncomfortable wooden seats in the auditorium for the auditions for the show. I was sitting w/ Rachel and my friend Jessica dianna's younger sister. She was 14 I was 15. On the other side of Jessica was dianna and then puck. Then adam. On the other side of Rachel was Santanna and then chris. Then Ashley and Alexa. Mr. Schue was sitting at the front and on the edge of the big wooden stage.

"Ok so this will take an hr. we have Rachel, dianna, Ashley, Jessica, Mandy, Tina, Puck and chris auditioning each person gets 5 mins. After we'll talk about the set," he said looking at us.

So that was 35 mins.

Rachel was up first. She picked a song from the show hoping that would increase her chances. As usual she did well. she always did. She had a beautiful clear voice.

"Thank you Rachel," Mr. Schue said when she was done.

she sat back down. Dianna was up next then Ashley. Then Tina, me, Jessica. Puck and chris.

By the time we were done it was 5:35.

"Ok everyone on the stage," Mr. Schue said.

We all got on the uncomfortable stage and sat.

"Any luck getting new members?" Mr. Schue asked.

"Um well I talked to Brian and he said he's interested. He's a jerk but he's got a voice on him," Puck said looking at him.

"Ok we need 3 more guys."

"Yeah I'll talk to some people."

"Ok."

Brian was on the football team.

"When can you audition them?" Alexa perpetually impatient wanted to know looking at mr. schue.

"As soon as I get 3 more guys."

"Oh."

"Now onto the set. We'll need. An insane asylum for the first scene. So basically lots of beds. And patients and nurses. That's the chorus."

"I'll ask my dad if the college will let us have beds," Ashley said.

"Ok great. And then we'll need a big painting of the streets of London."

"Again I'll ask my dad. Or maybe even Hannah she's an artist."

"ok. And then a big house."

"I could probably look around mine to get inspiration," dianna said.

"Ok. And we'll need chairs and a bunch of rope for the 4th scene."

"I'll ask my dad for some rope," Adam said.

"Ok. And then we're back to the streets of London for the 5th," Mr. Schue said starting to write this all down.

"And in the next scene we're in Hyde's apt. it's small. And that's it for act 1. Tomorrow we'll talk about costuming and on Fri. I'll post a list outside my door of who got what part. And then on Wed. I'll want to see Rachel, dianna, Santanna and Ashley during this time. Your assignment for the wk. is to bring in the things you said you'd bring in talk to the people you said you'd talk to. Which is on Ashley, dianna and Adam."

"Ok."

We left.


	33. after auditions bruises

Mandy

after auditions adam came up to me and hugged me.

"ow," I said feeling the bruises from my mom.

"hey good-what. What happened?" he asked.

"i'm just.a little sensitive and tired you long day and all and.i'm tiny."

"oh ok. Well do you want anything? I mean not that I can give it to you now I we get to your place I can or..."

"yeah no I want to go to my house."

" ."

actually I kindof didn't bc mom was there but I didn't want him knowing what'd happened.

"ok."

"i. I want to cuddle and watch movies," I told him cause I didn't want him seeing the bruises.

"oh um ok."

"yeah sorry."

"no that's ok i'm just surprised."

"like I said i'm tired."

"ok no I know. Btw you didn't answer my question. Do you want anything?"

something cold for my bruises I thought.

"um no."

"ok."


	34. fri sept 16th: mandy

Mandy

On fri. the 19th which had been yesterday mr. schue had poated a list of who was what in the show. Puck was mr. hyde, Rachel was lucy harris, dianna was emma. Adam was mr. sutteron, mike was mr. enfeld, brian was dr. lanyon. Chris was mr. poole, santanna was the maid, tina was lady beaconfield. ahley was Nellie and I was Guinevere. Other than the rehearsal for the Halloween how which ran during the time glee club rehearsal ran which ended at 5 and rehearsal for the school show which ran from 8 - 9 nothing much was going on.

It was now the night of sat. the 20th. We were all at my house having predance drinks. Ashley was even there and she was rarely at the house. As was dianna who we hadn't seen since wed. which wasn't actually all that long ago. Oh and lia was there too of course. Ashley's lovely cousin Annabelle and their friend were coming to the dance. Lily had supplied the drinks for us. She and Louisa were downing them of course more than the rest of us were.

I had green apple vodka. I didn't drink a lot mostly wine w/ evan. I'd quickly discovered that alcohol was a helluva painkiller. It made the pain from the bruises go away. I was on my 3rd cup.

"wow you really know how to put away a drink," ashley said watching me.

"yeah I just I just really like it I guess," I said.

"me too," dianna said taking the attention off me.

I smiled at her grateful.

"it is good," lily said.

I noticed that lia was watching me carefully. I got the feeling she wanted to talk to me about something.


	35. alcohol painkiller

I had green apple vodka. I didn't drink a lot mostly wine w/ evan. I'd quickly discovered that alcohol was a helluva painkiller. It made the pain from the bruises go away. I was on my 3rd cup.

"wow you really know how to put away a drink," ashley said watching me.

"yeah I just I just really like it I guess," I said.

"me too," dianna said taking the attention off me.

I smiled at her grateful.

"it is good," lily said.

I noticed that lia was watching me carefully. I got the feeling she wanted to talk to me about something.


	36. Chapter 31

"i don't know..." puck began.

I looked at him: "what?"

"or rather. I didn't know if you wanted me to bring you your coat or not. that night last wk. Also I didn't know which store you were at, so."

"oh. Yes and I was at the king's by annabelle's."

"oh. ok."


	37. tues sept 20th: Mandy: talking costumes

Mandy

it was after glee club rehearsal. We were all in the auditorium talking about costuming.

"ok so for the main character. We'll need...um. A vest, a lab coat, pants, a shirt," mr. schue said.

"again i'll ask my dad for a lab coat from the college," ashley said.

"ok. For the character of lucy we'll need. A big dress from the 19th century. Oh and we'll need another coat for jekyll a long black one. A corset thing for lucy and a long black shoes should be the button ones.."

"we should be able to get those at a vintage shop downtown," rachel said.

"ok good. And a. 3 cornered hat and millitary uniform."

"there might be some in our attic," I said.

"no not from the '40's."

"oh."

"we'll need frilly shorts for the ladies of the night. The ones working in the club. And corset things. Long gloves and a nice dress a long big one. A cancan outfit for lucy. And we'll need another nice long dress. For the hospital staff long black dresses for the nurses and black pants and shirts for the guys."

"ok so when are we going shopping?" britany asked.

"well the show's on the 15th of next month, so. And we can get halloween costumes too. Well the ladies can. I don't know how big the guys are on shopping but chris'll want to come," rachel said.

"ok. And again on next mon. the 19th i'll want to see what you brought in for the set. The following mon. which is the 26th i'll want to see the costumes. So you have until then," mr. schue told us: "after we have everything together we'll start rehearsing."

"ok."


	38. Chapter 38

Dianna

rachel and I weren't talking. last thurs. was the last time we had. I'd stopped going over to her house cause I knew each time I did she'd want to be intimiate which I didn't want cause then she'd see my bruises. Which were from lack of vitamin d and not my dad hurting me which he'd stopped doing. Rachel kept on asking me what was wrong but every time she did I either told her nothing wouldn't answer or left. It was tues. almost a wk. Later. Mandy had asked me what had happened to my 2nd baby and the only thing i'd eluded to was that I hadn't lost it in a miscarriage. No actually i'd just left it. Soon after i'd had it and was able to bring it back from the hospital i'd left it somewhere. I wasn't proud of it. Not even puck knew what had happened to it. I knew once i'd told him he really wouldn't like it since it was half his.


	39. Anna: Wed

Anna

it was 7 a.m. And I was still in the bathroom. Ashley had left at 4 to go to ballet. My sisters were going to leave for school in an hr. and mom and pam were going to leave for work then. I heard a knock on the door.

"yeah?" I asked.

"hey it's me," dad said.

"oh. Come in."

he did closing the door behind him.

"ashley told me you were sick," he said.

"yeah I am. It started at 2 this morning. And if it goes on until 2 tomorrow morning which it might I don't know I should go to the hospital," I said already knowing the plan.

"ok. Well as you know your mom, pam and I have work but tom should be here i'll ask him to. So I take it you're not going to school today?"

"no."

"ok. I'm going to get breakfast ready. I'll send pam up."

"ok."

dad left closing the door again. Again a knock came on the closed door.

"yeah?" I asked again.

"it's me," pam said.

"it's open."

which it wasn't but I meant that it was ok for her to come in. which she did closing the door behind her just as dad had.

"hi honey I hear you're sick?" she asked.

"yeah again. This has been going on for a yr. It sucks."

"yeah I know I watched your mom go through it."

"mom had cancer?"

I was surprised. I didn't know this about my mom. There wasn't much we knew about my mom.

"well no."

"oh."

"she had um. The thing that mandy...anorexia. And other than when she was overseas whenever she got sick I was there. It stopped when she was in college but then she developed bullimia. And then that stopped. Yeah she had all sorts of problems back then. Before college I mean. Actually when she was in college she took hs classes online. She didn't go to the graduation ceremony bc she was embarassed. I don't know how she feels about me telling you this but we know she won't tell you and you deserve to know, so."

"right," I said: "where did she go overseas?"

"oh london. Paris. She worked in paris. Copenhagen. Amsterdam. She went to college in fl. For 2 yrs. Then she went back to. Not in fl. Though. Er she finished school and became a psychologist. The 2 yrs. She wasn't in college I travelled w/ her. It was nice."

"oh wow. What did she do?"

"in paris?"

"yeah."

"she um was a dancer."

"oh."

"so how can I help?" pam asked going back to the original reason she'd come up.

"um well i'd like juice. Or sprite."

she smiled: "ok i'll be right back."


	40. Chapter 40

Rose

I went up the stairs and down the hall where I knocked on the bathroom door.

"Yeah?" anna managed, in between vomiting.

"Hey it's me," I replied.

"It's open."

I opened the door and came in, closing it behind me.

"How ya doin?" I asked anna, who was sitting on the floor against the tub.

"Alrite. A little sick but it's not bad."

"Thanks for saving me down there," I told her.

She smiled; "No problem Rose. I knew you'd do the same for me if the situation were reversed."

A knock came on the door.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"It's me," came Lily's voice.

I turned around and opened the door for Lily, who came in and closed it behind her. We sat against the door.

"They still down there?" anna asked.

Lily nodded; "yeah, still haven't finished dinner. They're talking about you.

anna looked up at the white ceiling; "oh big surprise there Lily."

Lily and I looked at each other.

"Wow that was close," I said.

"Yeah I know," she returned.

"You 2 barely talk to Lucy," anna commented, about a friend of ours in school.

I looked at her; "yeah but Mom's so busy centering her life around you..."

She wouldn't notice.

anna nodded; "right."


	41. Chapter 411

Lily

When all that was going on downstairs I was in my room pressed against the tall white wooden locked door drinking. I had incense burning on my dresser so the room didn't smell like alcohol. Id been drinking for about a yr the day after Louisa found out after mandy. Well. Ok about mandys eating disorder.

I was against the door in case one of my parents wanted to unlock it which they knew how to do. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to lean against.

The room was quiet.

I leaned my head back and took a swig of vodka from the bottle id gotten from the stash in the warm big attic. I hated vodka. It tasted awful and was more potent than any other drink. It was bitter too. So I usually drank sangria after the vodka and then sangria. And then popped breath mints. I always put the bottles back in the attic. That I knew of I was the only one who went up to the attic a lot. For this reason.


	42. hi

Mandy

It wa 10 p.m. after school, glee club and show rehearsal which had ended at 8. I was in my and louisa's room. Downstairs I heard someone being pushed into the door.

"what the hell?" it came from louisa.

"you know what you did. The tv was on to loud," mom aid.

"I ..you .it was at the same volume it always is."

I heard louisa fall to the ground then the sound of the front door closing.


	43. thurs sept 22nd

Anna

it was the next day that night between 10 and 11 and I was still in the bathroom sick. Ashley and hannah were at work evan and rebecca were at their place rose was out somewhere louisa was downstairs and mandy, lily, alexa, tom, dad, and pam were all in the house somewhere. Mom had just left.

I heard a knock on the door.

"um yeah?" I asked not in any condition to get up.

"hey it's me," dad said.

oh.

"oh. ok. Come in."

he did closing the door behind him.

"how are you?" he asked.

"um still sick. I think I need to go to the hospital," I replied.

"ok. Pam!" he called opening the door.

"yeah?" she called back.

"um anna needs to go to the hospital. She's been sick for 24 hrs."

"ok i'll tell tom. Tom!"

"yeah?" he called.

"anna needs to go to the hospital."

"ok i'll get alexa."

"ok."


	44. fri sept 23rd: Puck: glee break

Puck

It was 5 that night and glee club rehearsal was over for most of us but dianna, Rachel, santanna, tina, ashley, mandy and chris. Even though mandy wasn't graduating this yr. she'd be singing backup for 'I am what I am' w/ tina and chris. They'd stay till 6 tonight rehearing. Once we started rehearsal for the fall show we'd all be staying till 8. Which wouldn't happen untill next wk. I was going to stay untill mandy was done rehearsing which would be at 5:20 or so.

We were now on break. Rachel and dianna had left the room.

I went to a vending machine and got soda for rachel who was in the hallway sitting.

"here," I said handing it to her.

"um. Thanks," she aid.

"figured you might need it."

I sat down next to her.

"you ok?" I asked her.

"I um. I haven't eaten since dinner yesterday."

"why?"

she opened the soda.

"not like I'm worth it," she replied.

"Rachel .." I began not liking this.

"what. And don't tell me I am cause I won't believe you. No fukin validate me."

"I'm not .I wasn't going to."

"ok."

"I just. It make me sad. is all."

"oh."

"are you. I mean are you hungry?"

"not. Not really."

"oh."


	45. Chapter 39

Rachel

glee had ended an hr. ago. it was now 7. I was at my big house which Puck had driven me to. I'd entered the living where my 2 dads were sitting.

"Hi honey how was it?" my dad aaron asked looking up when I came in.

"Um it was. It was long," I said starting to feel a little floaty.

"We have dinner. We just finished making it."

"I. I'm really not that hungry. Actually. I'm tired from you know rehearsal and everything. I might eat later though," I said smiling and knowing full well I wouldn't.

It'd been 26 hrs. since I last had. I wondered if I could make it 2 days. I also knew that since I was floaty I should sit down.

"Well ok," aaron said.

"Ok."

I smiled and went up to my room. I put my stuff away then sat on my bed. The house was quiet. I heard my dads talking downstairs.

"I haven't seen dianna in awhile. Or anyone else," aaron said.

"Yeah me either. Maybe she's depressed," my dad john said.

"Yeah or maybe w/ senior yr and rehearsal and all that she's just really busy. You know how committed she is to that."

"You're right youre right. I do miss seeing dianna though."

That would be the perfect excuse for why I wasn't going to be eating. I'd be busy rehearsing. I smiled liking this. If they believed I was that busy then they'd leave me alone. Probably. Hopefully.

I got comfortable on my bed.


	46. mon sept 26th: Rachel

Rachel

it was thurs. 6 p.m. And glee had just ended. I hadn't eaten anything in 2 days and felt even more floaty. And tired. And out of it. I was sitting in the hall.

"whoa," I said.

"what? Um you ok?"mandy asked apparently having heard me.

She was nice but we hadn't really talked at all beyond me meeting her last yr.

"i um I guess I can tell you," I said remembering all the days last yr. She hadn't eaten.

And the ones she had when it got to be too much.

"ok I got time," she said sitting down next to me.

But she'd always been nice.

"i won't tell anyone," she told me.

I smiled.

"i, haven't eaten in 2 days," I said.

"oh i've been there I remember those days," she said.

"yeah I know that's why i'm telling you."

"oh. so. um. How are you?"

"floaty. And tired. And out of it."

she smiled. I waited.

"what?" I asked.

"that means you're winning. Not that I should be telling you that. I mean I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't. If anyone asks you didn't hear it from me. Your body wants you to live even if your head doesn't. Lia told me that."

maybe my dads were right maybe I was depressed.

"how...how long does this go on for?" I asked.

"as long as you let it. I'm not going to tell you about it but if you feel weird or you have questions or w/e call or text me. Hey if you're up for pizza there's some at my place. Or not."

"yeah ok um maybe."

she stood and waited while I did. We walked down the hall into puck's waiting car and went to mandy's.

* * *

at mandy's she and I were in her room I was on her bed she was at the end of it.

"i um wow," I said being too dizzy to get up.

"you should eat and you know you should. And so should lia. Youre not stupid rachel. And neither is she," mandy said.

"no. i'm not stupid," I said agreeing w/ her and feeling disappointed: "but im too dizzy to get up."

"yes. Bc you havent beene ating. I dont know you that well but im starting to get a little worried."

"how did you do it?"

"how did I do what?"

"overcome this."

"i switched. Disorders. Er I mean I switched to another disorder. I havent like stopped or anything."

"oh."

"do you want something?"

"i um no. yes. I don't know but I do. I...god I can't breathe. Well."

"yeah first the hunger comes and then they go away and you get dizzy. Your bones are the first to go when you're near the end. And my disorder isn't any better than yours I just hide it better."

"omygod i'm gonna pass out."

"well you're lying down so. um. You won't fall."

"im scared. Im not used to this."

"well you can either get used to it or not. itll be ok. Right now. Ill be here."


	47. Chapter 41

Rachel

at mandy's she and I were in her room I was on her bed she was at the end of it.

"i um wow," I said being too dizzy to get up.

"you should eat and you know you should. And so should lia. Youre not stupid rachel. And neither is she," mandy said.

"no. i'm not stupid," I said agreeing w/ her and feeling disappointed: "but im too dizzy to get up."

"yes. Bc you havent beene ating. I dont know you that well but im starting to get a little worried."

"how did you do it?"

"how did I do what?"

"overcome this."

"i switched. Disorders. Er I mean I switched to another disorder. I havent like stopped or anything."

"oh."

"do you want something?"

"i um no. yes. I don't know but I do. I...god I can't breathe. Well."

"yeah first the hunger comes and then they go away and you get dizzy. Your bones are the first to go when you're near the end. And my disorder isn't any better than yours I just hide it better."

"omygod i'm gonna pass out."

"well you're lying down so. um. You won't fall."

"im scared. Im not used to this."

"well you can either get used to it or not. itll be ok. Right now. Ill be here."


	48. tues sept 27th: rachel

Mandy

It wa tues. sept. 16th. We were all at glee rehearsal. In the middle of spinning Rachel' eye went wide and he wobbled a bit.

"Rachel?" mr. schue asked.

"yeah I'm. fine," she replied.

Puck looked at her.

"I said I'm fine. We'll talk about it later," she hissed.

"ok," was all he aid.

I don't think Rachel wanted to put in any more rehearsal time then she already was.

Dianna wobbled a bit too. At one point her shoulders went up and her body narrowed. It seemed like she was in pain.

I looked at her.

'I'm ok,' he mouthed.

I didn't know that she really was but I didn't say anything.

* * *

it was after rehearsal. Rachel and I were in my room. She hadn't eaten in at least 3 days. She was on my bed.

"omygod. I'm scared. What if I die?" she said.

"which you will if you keep going on like this," I said.

"but I don't want. To take up space. Physically I mean. I don't want to die. I did when I wasn't this near it. Omygod."

"calm down. Panicking never helped anyone."

"ok," she said drawing in a shaky breath.

I pulled out my phone and texted my brother telling him I wanted something from jamaba juice 2 somethings.

"what are you doing?" rachel asked while I was putting my phone away.

"i texted my brother. And told him I wanted something from jamba juice 2 somethings. You like mango right?"

"um yeah. I'm not big on it but yeah."

"ok. I told him a mango and a strawberry banana. For me. Well one's for you but he doesn't know that I don't think."

"but i-" rachel began.

"no," I said: "i won't make you eat though you probably obviously should but you need to have something. Here."

I went over to her and gave her a soda.

"holy crap," she said after she was done drinking it.

She drank it fast.

"yeah I know. Things are so much better when you're thirsty. I'm going to push you just a little bit. And you won't like it. But I already got 2 people I know near the end and maybe lia. And i'm not having another one there not if I can help it. Which right now I can."

"ok."


	49. Chapter 43

Mandy

it was after rehearsal. Rachel and I were in my room. She hadn't eaten in at least 3 days. She was on my bed.

"omygod. I'm scared. What if I die?" she said.

"which you will if you keep going on like this," I said.

"but I don't want. To take up space. Physically I mean. I don't want to die. I did when I wasn't this near it. Omygod."

"calm down. Panicking never helped anyone."

"ok," she said drawing in a shaky breath.

I pulled out my phone and texted my brother telling him I wanted something from jamaba juice 2 somethings.

"what are you doing?" rachel asked while I was putting my phone away.

"i texted my brother. And told him I wanted something from jamba juice 2 somethings. You like mango right?"

"um yeah. I'm not big on it but yeah."

"ok. I told him a mango and a strawberry banana. For me. Well one's for you but he doesn't know that I don't think."

"but i-" rachel began.

"no," I said: "i won't make you eat though you probably obviously should but you need to have something. Here."

I went over to her and gave her a soda.

"holy crap," she said after she was done drinking it.

She drank it fast.

"yeah I know. Things are so much better when you're thirsty. I'm going to push you just a little bit. And you won't like it. But I already got 2 people I know near the end and maybe lia. And i'm not having another one there not if I can help it. Which right now I can."

"ok."


	50. wed sept 28th: ashley 2

Ashley

It was a few days later sun. sept. 14th. Lia and I were sitting outside that day smoking. The weed helped the pain of her sprained ankle. We were sitting on the green cushioned porch swing.

"So how old are you?" I asked as she lit up.

I looked at her.

"18," she said once she had.

"Oh. I thought you were 16."

"Yeah everyone does. How old are you?"

"18."

"Oh wow same as me."

"Where ya from?"

"Northeast."

"Yeah me too. But where?"

"oh. Um. Mass."

"Oh. I'm from the city. Well new Orleans actually but then moved to the city w/ my dad who. I haven't seen in like 2 yrs. And I. don't want to. We don't get on well or at all actually," I said.

"Yeah I figured."

"um," I began not looking at her.

"Yeah?"

"You have anywhere to stay?"

"Well your house for now. Er I mean. the house ..your alexa's."

"No I get it."

"untill my ankle gets better. The weed is helping btw."

"Yeah I'm no stranger to twisted ankles myself. I've twisted mine like. 4x in the past. Yr, or so."

"Oh wow."

"it comes w/ the territory."

"That it does. That it does," she said.

We both knew the other meant eating disorders.

"But after that. No no I. don't."

"oh."

The day got quiet. No one talked for awhile.

"You know it's been a yr. since."

Since?

"My best friend died," she told me answering my unanswered question.

Oh.

"She died from. Her eating disorder. We'd been friends for 10 yrs. Not anorexia the other one. You're the 1st person here I've told that too. Idinno there's just something about you."

"Oh. Wow. I lost my mom when I was 4. That's why I stopped playing piano. Actually."

"So you get it."

"yeah. I do."

"That's why I left and came here. Actually."

"Yeah you should meet my brother he's the same way and puck have you met puck?" I asked.

"Yes I have. I mean I haven't. Like spent any time w/ him but yeah I've met him."

"You'd like my cousin Annabelle she's just lovely."

It got quiet again.


	51. thurs sept 29th: mandy2

Mandy

It was after school. I was in my room half asleep. It was quiet.

"give me that," I heard my mom say to someone.

"but it mine," my twin said.

I knew something was wrong. And not jut bc this happened a lot in our house something being wrong or bc I was usually perceptive. But also bc I was even moreso w/ my twin.

"yeah well I need it," my mom aid.

"you have your own. Or go to the liquor store and buy some that's what you always do," louisa aid.

"where'd you get it?"

"my my girlfriend."

"she have any more?"

"yeah but she wont let you have it."

It got quiet. I heard my sister being pushed against a wall.


	52. hot chocolate lia whiskey lia knows

Mandy

after I heard mom and louisa downstairs a knock came on my door.

"yeah?" I said looking towards it.

"it's me. Er I mean it's lia. I have something for you," she said.

.

"oh. ok. Come in," I said.

She did closing the door behind her. She had a full coffee cup in her hand. She approached me.

"it's hot chocolate," she told me.

"um thank you," I said surprised.

"it has caffeine in it er I mean the chocolate part does. And some whiskey I got it from puck it from dianna. Um anyway. Caffeine as you know is..."

"...a painkiller," I said catching on.

Then I knew what lia knew.

"oh about...my …...mom. Um oh," I was surprised.

"well I mean. You look like you've been in pain and also your mom's not exactly quiet when she things. I won't tell and I haven't. It's ok. I mean what she's doing isn't but..."

"yeah she's had a hard life some of which I don't even know about," I said taking the hot chocolate from lia.

"oh."


	53. fri sept 30th: ashley

Ashley

Auditions which had been on mon. the 15th had gone well. And rehearsal for the Halloween show had gone well. Last weekend mr. schue and I'd gotten together to work on another cd. It took a lot of rehearsal time before the cd was actually made. 2 days of it actually. This weekend we'd do the same. Today mr. schue would post the list of who would be what in the school show. It was thurs. the 17th.

I'd gone to my job at the strip club at 10:30 and was back at 2:30 this morning. I had ballet from 5 - 7 this morning. I'd take the bus to school.

Instead of 4 jobs I now worked 3. I still worked at the bookstore which would start at 10 and I still pole danced. Which started at 11 tonight and went untill 2 a.m. and I still was a lady of the night

It was now 7:20 a.m. and I was in an alley on Colfax leaning against the wall hoping for a customer or someone w/ pot. I knew Annabelle and dianna would want some. It was an hr. after sunrise. The morning was cold and bright.

In front of me I saw hannahs friend gavin. I knew he'd have some weed. He knew someone who grew it.

"hey," he said approaching me

"hi," I said.

"I have trees," he told me.

"how much?"

"$40."

"damn. I just got fired last wk. which means I don't have the money to pay you back yet. And rent's due the 1st and I want to pay for 2 months, so. I'm going to ask my boss if I can work uh. An extra 2 hrs. since I got fired and all."

"no you're fine I get it. Just make sure Annabelle pays you so that she's paid me. Via you."

"ok. I'll give it to you once I get paid and once I've given Rebecca and evan money for 2 months. For living. Which'll be the 28th. Next sun."

"ok."


	54. Sat oct 1st: Lily: dinner

Lily

I was in the kitchen that saturday night sipping wine while waiting for the big pasta pot that was in the sink to fill w/ water when Alexa walked in.

"Oh hey what are we having?" she asked looking at me.

"Pasta," I told her looking on her.

"But we already had pasta for dinner on thurs.," she was annoyed.

"Hey. When it's your turn to cook you can make what you want. Or when you move out. And yeah I know. That's why I'm cooking it cause it's easy," I was also annoyed.

"Ok wow. Oh I guess...you weren't there sat. er I mean this morning. Er this summer I mean this summer."

"Weren't where?" I asked confused.

"The hospital. Anna had to go in again. Tom, Rebecca, Evan and I talked about their situation. I. We should find time to talk." Alexa answered.

"You and I we?"

"No us and the siblings."

"Oh. Well Ashley and Hannah have work and Rose. I actually don't know where she is these days. Um god the only time I can think of is 2 a.m. When Ashley gets off. Or 3 actually. Which means everyone else has to wait. Which isn't fair to them."

"Yeah but since when has life ever been fair for us?" Alexa pointed out.

"right right." I said.

"Think Mandy will want some?"

"idinno maybe. She's been eating more this yr."

"Yeah I remember last yr. when she. Wouldn't. I don't think her friend Lia will. Mandy looks really good."

"Yeah she does. And I remember that too. I don't know how she'd feel if you told her she looked good. And Adam seems to be getting frustrated w/ her though I don't know why," I said.

"Yeah. Me either," alexa said: "hey."

"Yeah?"

"How come we don't know anything about your family? Er I mean...your. Backround."

"idinno I guess cause no one's ever talked about it."

"Oh. Just seems odd that's all."

"Yeah."

"Well I'll be in the living room waiting for Karen. I'll text the others about the meeting. Let me know when dinner's ready."

"Ok I will," I said.

Alexa went into the living room.

I looked at the time. It was 5:20. Karen would be back by 6. I got a text from rebecca reading 'save some for us' 'ok I will' I texted back.


	55. Chapter 48

Mandy

thurs. sept. 29th

it was thurs. sept. 29th between 10 and 11 p.m. Lia and I were at pansy's in the living room.

"so what do yall got to eat around here?" lia asked pansy after they'd exchanged introductions.

"you know it's been so long since i've eaten...and i'm so out of it. That i've um forgotten," pansy answered.

"oh. Well is it cool if I look?"

"yeah mandy does it all the time. Also i'm not in much of a position to get up, so."

"ok."

lia started opening the cabinets.

"do you want something to drink hon? Besides wine I mean," I asked pansy who was holding wine.

"um yeah ok. And I probably should anyway, so. Um, soda?" she answered.

"ok."

I went to the fridge and got her a soda.

"omygod you have a lot of vitamins!" lia said finding the cabinet of them.

"yeah mandy gets them. I never take them though again I should," pansy said.

"and yet you have time to rearrange them," I said finding this interesting and also annoying.

"um. Yeah well appearances and all. Not like my mom'll come back any time soon but if she does. You know. She'll think i'm healthy. My mom's a dancer. Er ballet I mean not like. What ashley does. She's on tour a lot," pansy explained to lia.

"right," lia said.

"we well I don't keep them in the meds cabinet. Er obviously as you can see. No but I mean the reason I don't keep them in there is cause I don't want them to get all weird."

"oh. Big house."

"yeah it is. So how long have you known mandy?"

"few months."

"oh."

"you?"

"long time."

"oh."

"where you from?"

"the northeast."


	56. mon oct 3rd: Mandy: trip announcement

mandy

it was wed. oct. 12th and we were all in the glee room for rehearsal. mr. schue was standing at the front of the room.

"now, just like we did last yr. We're going on a trip" he told us.

"oh wow where?" I asked.

"well new york."

"and who's paying for this?" amber asked.

"well mainly rachel's dads."

"wow that's nice of them," puck said.

Rachel smiled.


	57. tues sept 27th

Mandy

It was 3 a.m. I was at the store by Ashley's cousin's binging in the bathroom. Evan had taken me. It was a good time of day to binge since no one other than a few workers were in the store. I knew I wouldn't be bothered.

My phone buzzed w/ a text. I stopped eating and went and checked it. It was from my dad: pansy in hospital. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

So 'tomorrow' was now today. This must've happened last night before the dance. So that's why she hadn't been at the dance. she would've been wonderful if she'd come. would've danced wonderfully. As she did.

I texted back: got your text. Ok.

Then texted my brother and Louisa what I knew.

Then continued to binge but I just went through the motions since I was in ssshock from the news.

The thing no one tells you about purging. Not the movies or tv shows. is how difficult it is. how time consuming. And how much of an addiction it is. on tv it's always so easy they always make it look so easy. but it's not, actually. and you lose more weight from anorexia than bulimia. i'd been purging since june it was now sept. If you use a toothbrush or dental pick you run the risk of swallowing it. Which had never happened to me. But if you use your fingers you run the risk of people finding out. Which they would anyway since your breath doesn't smell that great. I always had gum w/ me but I always ended up chewing it too fast. Lifesavers were good since I didn't do that w/ them. Or pine needles. don't swallow them just chew them. You also run the risk of passing out from lack of electrolytes and having someone find you. or, not. find you


	58. Chapter 51

Puck

It wa 9 p.m. and we were all at ahley'. Rachel and lia were lying down in the living room ahley wa at her place, mandy, roe, Hannah, alexa, tom and adam were elsewhere. Louia and cherie were in louia and mandy room lily wa in her room and chri, amber, antanna, tina and mike were in the kitchen eating. I didn't know where jeica wa. Kate and jake were moking out back. Dianna and I were in ahley room. Rachel and lia were lying down caue they didn't feel good. Rachel again had een dizzy and wobbly during rehearal. Thi wa the 2nd wk. he'd been like thi. I wondered if he wa developing an eating diorder or if he wa jut ick like Brittany had been. Of coure not eating make you ick I knew that from watching mandy go through it lat yr. and my iter. Dianna hadn't been feeling good either but he didn't want to be around Rachel which wa why we were in ahley' room.

Dianna let out a mall gap. I lookked at her.

"my heart it. Hurt," he told me her eye widening.

"like physically or you. Have the enation of it. Hurrting?" I aked.

"physically."

"oh. Um don't lie on your ide," I told her.

"yeah I know. But I don't like lying on my back."

He at up.

"it' your."

"yeah I know my angina," dianna finished.

I knew the only thing that would help thi wa eating. But I alo knew dianna didn't want to. O I knew telling her to wouldn't help.

"you know the bruie aren't from .I mean I till have I mean ..he ," dianna began.

"your dad topped?" I aked.

"yeah. No one ele kno."

"I won't tell."

"I know. I um. Till have bruie though. From, lack of."

Vitamin right I got it.

"yeah. I got it."

"oh. Hey do we have anything to drink?"

"um lily might."

"oh."

I tood and went down the hall to lily room.


	59. Chapter 52

Mandy

I wa in the living room watching tv when my breathing got v. low. I couldn't feel my pule. And then my heart tarted to hurt feel like it wa being queezed. I wondered if thi wa what a heart attack felt like. I knew thi wa an iue w/ bullimic bc every time you purged you lot electrolyte. Which can be replaced w/ vitamin water which I didn't drink in the fall or winter. Blacking out wa alo common for bullimic which I'd alo been doing. While binging.


	60. mon oct 3rd

Mandy

I've purged 12x since last wk. I haven't seen adam cause I don't want him to say anything about it. I have seen evan however. I get winded really easily. And uh. I pulled my lower back muscle. And I have laryngitis. I have hypokalemia. I have angina and I'm cold all the time. And I have sinusitis. And an ulcer.


	61. Chapter 54

Mandy

I wa walking down the hall on the way to the bathroom. I wa walking lowly caue of how dizzy I wa. I felt really achy too in my houlder and upper back. I'd developed bad tmj.


	62. thurs oct 6th

Puck

it was after rehearsal fri. oct. 17th. Dianna and I were in ashley's room.

"whoa," she said.

I looked at her waiting.

"i dont feel good."

"when was the last time you ate?" I asked her knowing this was probably why.

"um. Breakfast yesterday. That was at like 7."

"ok."

I calculated the time. It had been 25 hrs.

"do you want anything?" I asked.

"no...i...yes. I should but I won't."

"yeah I know what you mean. Why are you doing this?"

"bc. I don't want him to want me. And he did in between me having my baby and my. Not losing."

"oh. But he stopped."

"yeah but it doesn't change the feeling."

"let me know if you want something."

"ok. Also if i'm small I can slip away like butter."

or he might crush you, I thought. And you wouldn't be able to fight back.

"they don't hurt."

"what?" I asked.

"the bruises. They don't hurt," dianna clarified.

"oh."


	63. wed oct 12th: Hannah: clubbing

Wed. nov. 9th

hannah

it was the night of wed. oct. 9th. Eric his brother leo leos girlfriend breanna our friend gavin gavin's girlfriend belle and I were in the club. Since last sept. 29th [of 2010] we'd gone clubbing often. That's how gavin and belle had met. We'd seen joan there but not cherie but had heard from joan that cherie had a girlfriend. I already knew who it was my sister louisa. Eric and I were now dating. Eric, leo and gavin were all older than me at 18. breanna, belle and I were all 17. it had been almost a yr. Since i'd found out mark and lacey were my parents. It would be the day after this thanksgiving. After clubbing we'd all go to my place smoke pot and lude. Evan was picking me up since we'd all had a bit to drink. Eric, leo and gavin were in charge of getting the ludes. They got them from a guy called charlie. I didn't know much about them other than he was rich, had dark hair and was our connection.


	64. thurs oct 14th: Hannah

Hannah

it was the morning of thurs. oct. 10th. We were all at my house in the living room smoking. It was 3 a.m. It was quiet and dark. Giselle had joined us.

giselle lit the pipe then passed it to her sister. breanna lit the pipe then handing it to belle. belle gave me the pipe. The pipe was lit. I sucked in and ended up sputtering like mad.

"godamn," I said in between coughs.

"Here," gavin said handing me a drink.

"Thank you."

He nodded. Leo took the pipe from me.

I sipped some of the drink then coughed some more. My eyes were watering. I waited until I stopped coughing to drink some more.

"Hey how come you guys don't cough?" I asked.

"cause we don't take as much," breanna told me.

"Oh. Hey are you coming for thanksgiving?"

"yeah um what's your schedule like?

"we're all having a family thing at 12 then annabelle and ashley are going to annabelle's mom's that's at 4:30 and will be done at 8:30. then the glee people have their thanksgiving which starts at 9. i'm going to that."

"wow."

"yeah. It ends at um 1. the next day."

"ok. so."

"come to the family thing at 12."

"ok. And then at 4:30 we could have our own thing."

"ok."

"hey are the couples having anything?"

"um probably...the night after thanksgiving night."

"ok."


	65. fri oct 7th

Ashley

puck and I were at his place eating.

"so," he said picking up his pizza.

"well. Karen stopped driving back from the bar drunk," I began.

"wow. Well that's something. I mean I drink but I don't think i'd ever drive drunk," he said.

"yeah my cousin annabelle. Her dad was hit by a drunk driver awhile back. He's ok now."

"oh. Wow."

"yeah that's why she doesn't want to drive. And why she won't get into a car w/ someone who's drunk."

"right I get it. Again wow."

"yeah when karen's not at the house it's safer. For them for my siblings."

"right. Louisa sure drinks a lot."

"yeah she didn't as much before this yr. or. We didn't know when she was. She's not a nice drunk."

"i know people like that. That's why I prefer it when my mom's not here."

"yeah and you know about my situation. She's. She's ok. Your mom I mean."

"yeah she's. Idinno."

"how's lia?" I asked about a friend of mandy's.

"her ankle's ok. She still won't eat a whole lot. I think it has something to do w/ her friend having um. Left."

"oh. Mandy's looking better."

"yeah she is a lot actually. She actually eats now. I remember when she didn't."

"we all do."

"dianna hasn't been feeling good," puck told me.

"yeah. She went through a lot last yr. And rachel's looking thinner. I don't know when the last time she ate was. I mean she's always been small for as long as i've known her," I said.

"me too. I'm excited to go back to the city."

"i am too but. Since my dad's still there I sortof. Don't want to go. I don't ever visit. I miss my friends. But they understand, so."

"right. Lily coming for thanksgiving?"

"i think so."

"she's really sweet."

"yeah she is. Oh fuk," I said remembering I still had to pay gavin back.

"what?"

"i still have to pay gavin back. For the trees."

"if you want change. I have a bit. It's not much though."

"no that's ok I was just remembering."

"oh. Is annabelle coming?"

"what?"

"for thanksgiving."

"oh. Yeah she should be coming."

"yeah I want to see her."

"yeah everyone does. You know my mom died...and lia's friend. She told me awhile ago didn't go into details. And we thought mandy. Wow," I said feeling sad.

"i know what lia's friend went from," puck said.

"me too.


	66. mon oct 17th: shawn meets ashley

It was 2 days later and we'd arrived in a parking lot in front of a lawn which was in front of a big brick high school. It was night dark out and snowing. I'd just parked but kept the car on for the warmth. The parking lot was lit and empty.

"I'm going to make a phone call. Will you be ok here?" I asked Claire.

She nodded.

"Ok. I'll be back shortly."

I unlocked an opened the door and got out closing it behind me. The night was cold. I called Cory.

"Hello?" he answered sleepily.

"Hey. Sorry did I wake ya?"

It was 2 hours later back east.

"Yeah but - Shawn! Where the hell are you? We've been worried…..Topanga, Stacey, lily myself. Mr. fenny."

"In Colorado. Denver, actually."

"Why?"

"I needed some space."

"From? What all happened?"

"Lily. We had a fight. Did you know she has a daughter?"

"No. and I know you briefly mentioned you had a son."

"Yeah well. They came back and now I have to decide what to do."

"What about their parents?"

"i…..i don't know. Do you still have my son's mom's number?"

"idinno I'll look. How long are you planning to stay?"

"idinno that either."

"Oh. What you should do Shawn is take care of the kids."

"We're in high school we can't take care of a kid now!"

"Well who else is going to?"

"You're right. Oh and Claire's with me. Apparently her aunt died so she moved back to her house with her mom who took off then she moved in back with her dad."

"Her dad? She can't live with him."

"Yeah I know that's why she's with me."

"Oh."

"Anyway I better get goin it's pretty cold."

"Ok well. Thanks for calling."

"Sure."

We hung up.

I went back to the car and opened the door for Claire who got out.

"Maybe we should try to get inside where it's warm," I told hr.

"Yeah hopefully," she said.

"At any rate we'll be out of this weather. So I just called Cory and told him where we are."

"Oh. Brrr."

I pulled her close as we walked to the front of the school where I knocked on the door.

"Try the handle," she said.

I did.

"It's either stuck or. Locked. Damnit," I swore.

"Now what?"

"idinno. I guess we just stay here and hope someone opens it."

The wind blew the snow around. Inside the school the lights were on.

"I wonder if it's even open," I mused.

"Well the lights are on it has to be," Claire said and shivered.

"You want my coat?"

"But don't you need it?"

"Claire cmon it's the least I can do."

"Yeah ok thanks. And thanks for…bringing me with you."

"I sure as hell wasn't going to leave you with your dad."

"You could've."

"I'm not like that."

"Yeah I know. And thanks…..for staying with me back in the hotel."

"Sure."

I looked around.

"Here," I said taking off my hat and gloves; "I've got more in the car. Will you be ok if I go?"

She nodded; "yeah. I'll call if I need anything."

"Ok."

I left going back to the jeep. On the way there I thought about the fact that lily and I'd both need jobs so we could pay for tom and rosemary. I thought about when Cory and I'd run a bed and breakfast out of Mr. feeny's house a few years back. I wondered if we could do that again. Or better yet maybe we could work in a hotel. The latter'd be better actually since that way we wouldn't have to quit school.

I pulled out the cell and called Cory.

"mmm yeah?" he answered sleepily.

"Hey sorry. But do you remember that bed and breakfast we ran a few years back?"

"Yeah."

"Well what if we ran one again? Or better yet what if we worked at a hotel?"

"Why?"

"If you haven't noticed Cory I have a son who I need to pay for."

"Oh right."

"So how bout it?"

"Um I'll think about it."

"Ok."

We hung up.

I got to the car unlocked and opened it got the hat and gloves out along with the bottle of vodka id brought with me then closed and locked the car. I unscrewed the bottle and took a swig. It tasted horrible going down but immediately warmed me. I took another swig and headed back to Claire.

"Hey," I said when I'd reached her.

"Hi," she returned.

I sat down next to her and held out the bottle; "want a drink? It'll make you warmer."

"No thanks I don't drink. And that's a myth."

"Yeah I know. Well I'm gonna have some. Nothin else to do. Hey don't go to sleep I don't want you freezing."

"Ok."

She leaned against me.

"So who was your date?" she asked.

"April."

"Pretty name."

"Yeah she was even prettier than her name. I met her back at the hotel in Ohio. We kissed. And then you called and….but we ran into each other up in Chicago. She's from here."

"Oh well maybe you'll see her again."

"Yeah that's what I'm hoping."

It was finally quiet. Cold dark but quiet. To the right of us across the street was a large park.

"If it weren't so damn cold I'd want to go to the park. It looks beautiful," Claire said.

I looked her way towards the dark park; "yeah it does. Well what we can see of it anyway which isn't much."

She laughed.

"But here is nice," she said.

From inside the school I heard a faint singing.

"Shawn do you hear that?" she asked.

"What the singing?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Which means someone's inside. Try the door again."

"Yeah hold on."

"Ok."

I pulled out the cell and texted Stacey apologizing for snapping at her earlier explaining id had a lot going on. I put it back and stood knocking on the door.

"Anyone there?" Claire asked from below me.

"Um," I replied and then the door opened towards me; "yeah since the door just opened."

She stood.

As the door opened we stepped back. A tan guy my height stood in the doorway.

"Hey sorry I didn't know there was anyone out here. Cmon in. I'm puck," he said.

"Thanks man. I'm Shawn and this is Claire," I introduced.

"Puck who is it?" a girl called.

"Babe we got visitors cmere," he calld back.

"ooh ok."

"So where ya from?" puck asked.

"Well Ohio originally but I been livin in philly most of my life. You?"

"Wow no kidding. I'm from new york then Ohio and now here. You?" he looked at Claire.

"Ohio. You own the school?"

"No but we been stuck here the past couple of days so."

"Oh."

A thin blonde Claire's height with blue eyes came up behind puck.

"Hey yall look cold. Puck why didn't you invite them in?"

He turned to her; "I did."

"Oh. Well don't stand in the doorway."

They stepped back to let us into the front hallway of the school the door losing behind us. I noticed how stunning the blonde was.

"You. Are stunning," I told her wondering if she was a stripper.

She smiled; "thanks. You're not so bad looking yourself. I'm Ashley."

"Shawn and this is Claire. We've already met puck."

"Nice to meet you where ya from?"


	67. tues oct 18th: Mandy: at pansy

Mandy

it was a day in feb. I was on my way to pansy's. She'd gotten out of the hospital just in time for the holidays. We'd had the winter formal and the valentine's day dance. Mom was still hurting louisa, rose and me. And the few times alexa had stopped her she'd hurt alexa too. Alexa was torn between being at tom's where it was safe but she was afraid of something happening to kate or anna, rose, louisa or I and being at our house where something actually was happening. When mom wasn't at the bar that is. Back in oct. she'd started going weekly. The nights mom went were the nights alexa was at tom's. Pansy had texted me and said she didn't want to be alone and would I come over. I'd texted back 'ok'.

I'd just purged in the bathroom atking at king's by annabelle's of course. So walking to pansy;s pansy's I was on a high from the purge which would go away in an hr. or so.

When igot I got to pansy's I found the front door was unlocked. Which it never was so this was unusual. My phone lit up w/ a text: 'bathroom' it read; 'it's ok if you come in'. Something must be wrong for pansy not to even have called me.

When igot to the bathroom there was a note outside the door.

'mandy,' it read: 'it's ok ifyou come in but just know I probably won't want to talk as i'm too sick too. I don't want to be alone right now so please don't leave. I'm really sick right now and I don't know how much time I have. I know we've been here before and it never happens but we need to take this seriously. In a way it'd be easier if I had...can't...finish'.

I wondered what she meant by 'it'd be easier if I had...'. If she had what?

"pansy I read your nt," I said towards the bathroom door: "i won't leave."

my phone again: 'ok'.

I called my dad.

"um yeah?" he said answering.

"hi i'm going to be at pansy's tonight," I told him.

"for the whole night?"

"yeah she needs me."

"um ok."

"how are things there?"

"well louisa's at cherie's and hannah and rose are out somewhere. Alexa's here though waiting for your mom to get back from work."

"right so they can have it out."

"right."

"good luck and call me if. Idinno something happens. Or something."

"ok."

we hung up.


	68. wed oct 19th

It was 9 p.m. Evan, Rebecca, Dianna, Brian, Mandy, Adam and I were all piling into our family's big white van. Outside, it was dark, cold and still snowing. Inside, it was warm. We'd closed and locked the doors and put our seatbelts on. I looked around the van and had a sudden feeling I'd forgotten something. I was in my black hat scarf and long black wool coat. we were all dressed warmly.

"I, forgot my bag I'll be right back," I said.

"Ok but it might not be-" Dianna began.

I slid the door open, walked out into the cold night air and to the school doors. I tried to pull them open but found they were locked. I tried again.

Snow was drifting down from the sky.

My phone rang.

"Yeah?" I asked flipping it open.

"Hey," Dianna's voice said.

"Oh hi hun."

"Is it open?"

I sighed; "no."

"Oh. Anyone else in there?"

"Idinno. Alrite well, we'll wait."

"Ok."

We hung up.

I slid down the door to the steps, the cold metal handles bumping my back on the way down.

"Ow," I whispered, knowing no one could hear me because no one was there.

Just a few days ago when it wasn't snowing I'd been in this exact same spot during the day.

With the exception of the van the parking lot was empty. The lights were on. Within the last 2 minutes since I'd been out here it had grown 5 degrees colder, or at least it seemed that way.

It was very still and very pretty, even though it was wicked cold.

I felt the door try to open behind me, and stiffly stood, moving, my back turned to whoever it was.

"Hey," a voice said.

Whoever's body it'd come out of came behind me and hugged me.

"Mmm you smell good."

I realise it was Puck.

"Oh, hi."

"Hey babe you forgot your bag," he informed me.

"Yeah I know that's what I came back for."

He opened the door and led me into the auditorium.

* * *

-XXX-

It was the night I'd forgotten my bag in the auditorium.

"Hey," Puck said, opening the front door.

"Hey," I said stepping inside: "brrr it's cold."

The door closed behind us.

The school was quiet and lit.

"Wow it's really. Quiet," I observed.

"Yeah."

"Do you have a way to get home?"

"Yeah."

We went to the auditorium where Puck opened the door for me.

"Thank you," I said.

"mmmhmm."

We went in, the large door closed behind us.

The large was lit, quiet and empty other than us. As was the school.

I tried to recall where I'd left my bag. Puck, standing behind me, put his arms around my waist. With his head he moved my hair over my shoulder


	69. thurs oct 20th

It was that night. Dianna, Rachel, Chris, Amber, Mandy, Lily, Brittany, Santana and I were in a large lit department store at the mall, dress shopping for the upcoming winter dance. We were in the prom dress section.

"What do you think of this?" Rachel asked, getting a long dark purple spaghetti-strap dress off the rack.

"Oh, that would look very pretty with your hair," Dianna told her.

"But I think this is more you," Chris said, taking down a strapless purple one.

Rachel walked over to it and got it from him.

"Yeah it would. I'll go try it on."

She walked away to the dressing rooms.

"I think I saw one that would look good on you," Mandy told Amber.

"Ok and maybe we could find something for you. What's your size?" Amber asked her.

They walked off.

"I'm going to bring this to Rachel," Chris said, taking down a dark purple strapless tube dress with a thin clear sparkle overlay on it.

"Ok," I said.

He walked off.

"What do you think of this one?" Santana asked, holding up a red ruffled tube dress.

"Let's go try it on," Brittany said.

"Ok."

They went to the dressing rooms.

Amber and Mandy also went, taking a yellow dress with straps with them.

I spotted Rose by one of the metal racks, behind all the dresses. She was in a long black wool coat and hat.

"I'm gonna go talk to Rose," I told Dianna and Lily.

"Ok."

I made my way over to Rose.

"Um hi," I said.

She started.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

"That's ok. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Dress shopping for the upcoming holiday dance. And you?"

"i was also shop- would you like a bracelet?"

She held up a gold bracelet.

"Sure ok."

"I'm gettin kindof hungry. Do you wanna go get something to eat?"'

"Sure ok."

We passed Dianna and Lily.

"We're gonna go get something to eat," I told them.

"Ok."

We walked off.

"Excuse me miss," a male voice said, grabbing my arm.

I turned and saw a security gaurd not much older than me.

"Oh my hello," I said, turning on the Southern charm.

"I thought I saw your friend over there by the jewelry racks."

"Oh no you must be thinking of her twin."

"Oh ok."

"You know...you have very nice eyes and a big-"

I was flirting with and complimenting him at the same time in order to distract him from Rose's having taken the bracelet.

"Ashley," Rose hissed, about the sexual innuendo of my remark.

We left.


	70. fri oct 21st: ashley: call

Ashley

it was after school and glee club rehearsal. I was at my place I had some time before work. I decided to callmy best friend lily.

"hello?" she asked.

"hi," I said.

"oh hi sweethart. Wow you haven't called me in awhile. How are you how are things/?"

"yeah it has been awhile. They're um well theyre busy. I've been drinking again. You know that I fell."

"mmmhmm i've been getting your emails about that. And your tects. Angela keeps me pretty busy. I don't have the money or the heart to give her to someone else. Next yr. She'll be starting preschool but I don't have the money for that either."

"yeah. Idinno how evan and rebecca I don't know if you've met rebecca. Well anyway I don't know how they'd feel about having her. I mean she'd be away from my dad and you'd have more time but idinno."

"yeah."

"so I just recently got fired from my waitressing job. Cause I wasn't coming in on time and it was too much."

"oh wow."

"yeah. Still in school though I graduate end of this yr. If you wanted to come visit me. Ever. It'd be ok."

"that costs a lot of money and since I don't work right now..."

"but what about miranda?"

"well she's in school. Oh well. I don't know how I feel about her taking care of angela free of charge."

"oh. Yeah so...idinno. I want to see you."

"and I want to see you too. What are your plans for the holidays?" lily asked.

"nothing just the usual. Family stuff."

"oh. I might come."

"so i've been drinking."

"yeah I know."

"no I mean i've been drinking listerine."

"ashley...i'd rather have you drink vodka than that."

"but i'm not old enough to. Lehally drink. My brother's not either."

"no and I get that I just. I care ya know? Like a lot. You're one of my best friends next to scarlette. I don't want to lose you the way you lost your mom."

"but my mom wasn't an alcoholic."

"that's not what I meant."

"oh. Yeah I know that fear. I'm still afraid of that w/ kate. And now anna."

"it's hard for me to see you like this. I don't like knowing how hurt you've been by your dad. I'm really sorry it happened and i-"

"yes and that's why you shouldn't live there. You or scarlette. It scares the hell out of me that he could. Do that to you."

"me too. But like I said I don't have the money. And maybe that's an excuse and maybe it's not. But if it is then it's a valid one."

"lily," I said: "i will give you the money. Just so I won't have to worry. As much."

"but then...what about groceries for you?"

"i'd rather have you and angela here. Then eat."

"does your dad know about her?"

'yeah. I've only once briefly mentioned her. Same w/ puck. Dianna and I are getting closer but idinno. She went through the same thing."

"i know. A plane ticket's like. A lot probably."

"i'll work as much as I can. And put it into an acct. for you. I don't care. I'd do anything for you. Nd i'd do anything for angela too"

"whenever your dad and I talk about it. He just leaves. I know you don't want me doing that but no one else is going to."

"you don't have to do that."

"but I need to. Since your mom isn't around i'm the next best as for karen...well..."

"alrite. Well I don't know that i'll be able to get you the tickets by thanksgiving. But lavender might she's coming then too."

"ok. Thank you. Not that you have to..."

"no. I need to," I said repeating the words lily had said.

We paused for awhile as I went and opened some listerine. I drank a bit of it. Maybe when karen wasn't at the house i'd go and get some of her booze. I'd ask jesse for her schedule.

It would be good to see lily whenever she came. It always was. She was like rebecca. Sweet and lovely and cared. She was from ireland. We didn't get to see each other as often as I wanted.

"hey," lily said.

"mmm yeah?" I asked.

"i don't know how I feel about moving there. The only person I know there well is you. I'd be leaving scarlette and miranda and reenah. And the city itself. But visiting i'm ok w/."

"i know it's scary but it doesn't have to be forever. If you want to move back there at some point that's ok. I mean I don't like it but...it's ok ya know?"

"ok. And yeah it is. It's a big decision."

"yeah. It is."

"why?"

"um. Why what?" I asked thinking she meant the move.

"why do you drink? Well I mean I know why but. I don't know how else to help besides asking and being there. Here. Whichever,"

"no I know. Bc it hurts what he did. I know i'm no better than him but i'm not like louisa either. She's a terrible drunk. She;s yelled at people. Her girlfriend doesn't help either she driks too. She's really nice but idinno if louisa should be w/ her."

"yeah. And I get that it hurts. And like I was saying...i'm really sorry it happened. Not bc it's my fault but bc. Well you know. And I always will be. But you know. Louisa's situation..."

"it's not mine to do anything about. Yeah I know."

"do you need help around the house? Like w/ kate or anna?"

"no no. ever since pam moved in we have her and dad to help. I know mandy's gotten closer to puck. But there's this new girl lia. She's. Seems nice and er but. She's standoffish. I don't know much about her. Just so ya know for when you come."

"ok. Have you heard from marie?"

"no not yet."

" weird she just up and left end of last yr."

"yeah. I think it got to be too much for her. And also. Prostitution's not legal here so. She didn't talk about why she left. Didn't leave a note or anything. Jesse's been to busy w/ anna and kate to look for her and karen clearly doesn't care."

"oh. What else is going on?"

"well i'm in jekyll hyde."

"oh I want to see that."

"well if you come here you can. It's not far off. But...oh the time. Damnit."

"maybe next yr."

"next yr. I'll be in college."

"no I meant if you're in any shows."

"oh."

"well listen darling angela needs me but call anytime. I love you."

"ok. I love you too. And angela."

we hung up.


	71. sun oct 23rd: karen

Karen

It was now 9 a.m. sun. morning and I'd just come into the hospital. Last night I'd gone out drinking. Of course. I woke up at 8. Pam told me that one of my clients was in the hospital. She wouldn't tell me who. Id gotten ready driven there had more to drink had 2 of Mandy's lifesavers. And gone into the hospital. I was now at the front desk.

"hi I'm karen and I'm here to see .well actually I don't know who I'm here to see pam wouldn't tell me," I told the lady at the front desk.

She looked up: "yeah you're her therapist?"

"yes but I don't know who 'she' is."

"margo. Sorry not margo I mean pansy. Her aunt Vanessa's coming in some time this week. Claire was unavailable and we were unable to reach any of her other relatives. So they told me that Vanessa and you knew each other and being pansy's therapist you .."

"right right I'm one of her contact people," I finished.

"go on up."

The lady told me the floor. I took the elevator up.

I knew why her aunt Claire couldn't be reached. She'd been in a mental institution for the last few years. And her uncles Claire's brothers were all doing drugs somewhere. Her mom was on tour. Her dad she never knew. I guess pam must've called the hospital and then called Vanessa. I don't know why she didn't tell me though.


	72. Chapter 65

Mandy

It was 10 a.m. and I was at my house. My dad I were in his room.

"now usually I wouldn't disclose info about karen's patients to you. But seeing as A: she's your friend and 2: karen won't tell you herself, um," my dad said.

"yeah I get it," I said: "this is about pansy isn't it."

"uh huh. As you know she's in the hospital. She, passed out. From, not eating and evidently it's not the first time she has. her family couldn't be reached other than her aunt vanessa who's flying in at some point."

"oh."

After my dad told me I pulled out my phone and texted adam. I'd been meaning to ask how Louisa was doing. Clearly she wouldn't be doing that well after she'd come home drunk on mon.


	73. Chapter 66

Karen

It was 2 p.m. that day and I was at my house after being in the hospital w/ pansy for a few hrs. and then getting lunch. After I left I'd had more to drink.

I'd just come in. jesse was in the living room sitting on the sofa.

"karen," he said standing.

I looked at him.

"um there's something you should know."

I went over and sat down.

"so I told mandy this morning. About. Pansy."

"you broke our agreement," I said.

"well I thought she deserved to know and we both knew you weren't ever going to."

This was true.


	74. thurs oct 27th: mandy

Mandy

It was wed. oct. 15th. Thanksgiving was a month and 10 days away. Lia, adam, puck, myself and dad were all in the house. The others were either at school or in the hospital. Lia was in my room puck was outside and adam and I were in the living room.

I wondered what lia was doing for thanksgiving.

"I'll be right back," I said standing.

Adam looked up at me: "ok."

I went upstairs to my room.

"Hey," lia said looking up.

"Hey so if you're 16 then why are you my locker person?" I asked looking at her.

"I'm 18. actually."

Oh.

"Oh."

"And they still haven't figured that out yet."

Oh.

"Oh. And. So. What are you doing for thanksgiving?" I asked.

She looked down. I waited.

"I used to spend it w/ cassie. We, would eat and then we would. …um. It would come…back…..well she would eat I never ate much," lia replied.

I nodded knowing what she meant by 'come back': "yeah."

"Why?" she asked looking at me.

"I was wondering if you wanted to do something w/ my family. So you won't be alone. Um unless you want to be alone."

"um well what do you usually do?"

"Well we usually have a big family thing. My dad's 2 sisters and his mom come. Raven lily's mom is coming. Raven's dad's sister. Hannah and her family are coming. Annabelle's coming have you met. Annabelle? Um Rebecca's coming evan's girlfriend. And then the glee club and their familie all get together."

"Yeah I have she's really nice."

I wondered when they'd met.

"Yeah she is. Oh and Ashley's grandmother and her friends will probably come. So if you wanted to….it'd be ok."

"Maybe."

"Ok."

"Oh also. I wanted to apologie again on behalf of dianna. What er. I mean im referring to the fact that last month she said you didn't have to eat implying she didn't care. And that wasn't nice of her."

"Well I mean thank you but it's not needed. I actually like that she told me that. It gave me permission not to."

"Lia…." I began not liking thi.

"I mean I know I should and I know I need to but I don't like being expected to. Or having anyone say anything about it."

"Oh. Ok I get that."

I went back downstairs and sat back down next to adam. He looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You seem um. different lately," he told me looking down.

"Different how?" I asked.

"Like there's something wrong. Like something happened. Did it?"

"I um. I cant trust her," I muttered.

"Who?"

"I…table," I said meaning the topic of who I couldn't trust was off the table.

"Ok. How's jessica?"

"I actually haven't seen much of her. But she's coming to thankgiving."

"Oh. And how's pansy?"

"Well actually not great."

"Oh?"

"She's been in the hospital since the 21t."

"Oh wow."

"Yeah she passed out. Her aunt vanessa came into town the wk. after and she's been here ever since."

"Oh wow. She coming to thankgiving?"

"I don't know."

"Oh."

"My dad told me when he found out from pam. My dad knew my mom wouldn't tell me."

"Well he's right I don't think she would've knowing her. But…he…."

"broke her confidence yeah I know."


	75. Chapter 68

Sat. oct. 18th

puck

it was sat. oct. 17th. Dianna and I were in ashley's room.

"it's been 2 days," she said: "i wonder how long I can go for."

I wondered too. It didn't take long to die from anorexia. I knew rachel had gone 3. as did ashley.


	76. Chapter 69

Puck

it was the following day sun. dianna and I were again in ashley's room. She hadn't eaten in at least 3 days.

"whoa," she said.

"what?" I asked.

"i'm floaty."

"you need to eat something-"

"yeah I know that i'm not stupid."

"sorry I just. I just care ya know?"

"yeah. I know."

"or at least get something in you even if it's not food."

"but I don't want food."

"no you do. You just don't want to be hungrier than you already are."

"i don't-"

"no you do trust me. I've seen my sister go through this. I'm starting to get a little worried."


	77. fri oct 28th

Mandy

It was fri. oct. 28th and we were all at my house in my parents' room sitting around and drinking. Even dianna was there and we hadn't seen her in a little over a month. She and Rachel weren't sittting together she ashley were. On the other side of ashley was ben and on the other side of Dianna was lia and I was on the other side of lia. So it was ben, Ashley, Dianna, Lia and then me. Then Adam, rose, louisa, Cherie, puck and Rachel. And Brittany, lily, Hannah. And santanna, mike, Tina, Chris, amber. Lily, Cherie and mom had supplied the drinks. Well it's not so much that mom willingly gave them to us as we took her bottles. Vodka wine and whiskey.

"You've been drinking a lot lately," I said to louisa.

Well she always did but this was the first time in a month someone other than cherie had said anything about it.

"Yeah well. you've been 'sick' a lot," Louisa countered.

"Yeah and so has Mom."

"No she's not sick she's diseaed."

"Yeah she is. I mean I don't know your mom or anything but from the time I've spent here. And from what i've observed. It seems that way," Lia said quietly.

"Hey how's your ankle?" I asked her.

She'd sprained it a month almost 20 days ago.

"It's better actually thank you," she said.

"I don't know if we've met I'm cherie," cherie told lia.

"I'm lia nice to meet you."

"I'm louisa's girlfriend."

"She's my twin," I told lia.

"Yeah I can tell," she said.

Cherie and the club members met.

"So do you work or ?" ben asked cherie.

"Yeah at an underage bar downtown," she told him.

"oh."

"That's actually where I met louisa."

"oh."

"What happened w/ your mom?" Rachel asked.

"Is there something going on w/ Mom er I mean Karen w/ karen?" Hannah asked.

"I'll tell you later," I aid.

"Oh. Ok."

"we haven't seen you in awhile," tina said to dianna.

"yeah ive been um. staying elsewhere," dianna replied.

"i'll, be right back," chris said standing.

I got the sense he wanted to talk to me.

I stood as well. We left the room and went downstairs and outside.

"Mandy," he said.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"If you ever want to talk, about anything. Or just want company or something i'm here."

"Thank you."

We went back inside and back upstairs.

* * *

It was later that night. I was at the dance. Adam and I were dancing he was holding me.

"Be careful," I told him: "holding me I mean."

"um ok why?" he asked.

"I um. My body hurts."

"Oh. Um do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Oh. Ok."

I knew this had confused him. My body hurt bc of the bruises my mom had inflicted on me 2 day ago.


	78. sat oct 29th

It was the next day at. Oct. 29th. The dance had ended an hr. ago at midnight. It was now 1 a.m. we were all at my house in my parents' room and except for hannah and I who were standing the rest were sitting around drinking.

"Do you want me to stay or .?" she asked me looking at me.

"um," I replied.

"Cause it wouldn't be an issue if you do. I'll jut text my mom and let her know. she'll be cool w/ it," she told me.

"um yeah let's. Go into the living room," I replied holding my drink.

"Ok. Here hold this."

She handed me her drink. I took it. she took out her phone and texted her mom.

"Mandy I need to talk to you about something when you're done," Rachel told me.

"ok," I told her.

"Yeah she's cool w/ it. I'll take my drink now," Hannah told me after she'd texted her mom looking at me.

"ok."

I handed her her drink. We went downstairs and into the living room.

"So what's going on?" Hannah asked putting her drink on the coffee table and then sitting then looking at me.

I did the same.

"Mom er I mean karen um .."

It was weird referring to my mom as 'karen'.

"No she's your mom it's ok," Hannah told me.

"Ok anyway yeah my mom. she's been hurting me. Well and ..well i'll let the others tell you their stories themselves."

"right right. Wow. For how long? Does adam know?" hannah was shocked.

"Yeah he doe. And puck."

"oh."

"For almost a month."

"oh wow."

"I can't tell mr. schue or else he'll tell the authorities. I don't want mom in trouble I just. I just want to understand it better ya know?" I said desperately.

"yeah I do."

"If you tell your mom about it . Well A: you have to tell me before you tell her and 2: she can't tell the authorities. It's ok if she talks to your dad about it or my dad but idinno about aunt raven yet. You can talk about it w/ adam or puck. I mean I know you don't really know them but. since they know."

"right ok. Does evan know?"

"Yeah he does."

"ok. Wow."

"You keep saying that," I remarked.

"Yeah I know bc this is just so. wow. shocking and. gripping," Hannah told me.

"You don't know what this is like. you've never had this."

"You forget that I cut. And up untill last yr. I didn't know who my parents were. For the first 16 yrs. of my life. And up untill your mom got back from Europe or wherever she was for like 10 yr. your dad was a single dad. But other than that you're right I don't know what that's like," hannah was annoyed and also hurt.

"Sorry," I said realising how much that had hit her.

I took a sip of my vodka feeling uncomfortable.

"No I just. I mean we have different problems. We come from different worlds. I mean I get it you're not wrong just."

"wow again?" I asked smiling.

She smiled too: "yeah."

She set her drink down.

"Um listen. If you ever need to just get away. I mean I know you're in the club which takes up a lot of your time which probably helps. Or want someone to talk to. I'm here," Hannah told me.

"Thank you that means a lot. That's the same thing puck said," I told her.

She smiled.

"Or if you want trees. I got some."

She meant pot.

"Ok."

"Hey you can even come visit me in boston! Or Greece actually."

Hannah and her parents were moving across the states to boston next yr. and then she was going to college in Greece for 4 yrs. her family was from Greece.

"Ok," I said.

We went back upstairs. Hannah went into my parents room. Rachel and I went downtairs where we had the same conversation. She told me I could stay w/ her which she'd let santanna and dianna do. And that I could even stay w/ her in new york where she was going to college.

After we talked she went back upstairs and I sat in the living room for awhile.

"honey?" adam called after a few min.

"yeah ill be right there," I called up.

"ok."


	79. fri nov 4th: glee sleepover

Mandy

it was a fri. night. We'd decided to have the glee sleepover tonight. It was already dark out. My dad was in the kitchen making pasta. I was in my room. The doorbell rang.

"Mandy it's for you," Mom called up to me.

This was the first time I'd ever known her to answer the door when we were living in denver.

"Ok," I said getting off my bed.

I came downstairs and into the living room.

"Now I have to go into work," Mom told me.

As usual she was in a dark suit and her hair was up.

"But you don't work nights," I said.

"I've started to. Hurry and open the door so I can go to work."

I opened the door letting Mom out. When she came out the cold air came in.

"Hi Mrs. b," Puck said as she passed him.

"Hi...Mrs...ok she already went to her car," adam said annoyed.

"Hi come in," I said stepping to the side so they could.

"Hi do you need help w/ anything?" adam asked putting his arm around my waist.

"um no. unless you want to help. Then I won't stop you," I said looking at him.

They came in and the door closed behind them.

"We brought pizza," Puck said: "if people got hungry."

"ok," I said.

They went into the kitchen.

"Are you and chris still together?" I heard Dad ask Puck from the kitchen.

"Actually...no," Puck answered.

"Oh wow," dad was surprised.

"No and he's a good guy it's just. Well I met lia, so."

"Right well she is pretty."

"Yeah she is. Um I brought some dvds..."

"Oh just put them on the kitchen table."

"Ok."

"He comin tonight?" Dad asked.

"Yeah should be. And santanna, amber. Oh someone's bringing brownies but not the normal kind."

"Oh that's fine. Long as iknow you're doin it."

"Ok."

"How's chris doin after last yr.?"

"He's. Well he's not great. He's ok. It's not as new but it's still hard."

"Right."

At some point Chris had arrived. He approached me.

"Hey you doin ok?" he asked looking at me.

"I um. Upstairs?" I asked meaning I wanted tot alk upstairs.

"Ok."

We went upstairs and sat in the hall. It was quiet.

"I want to be pretty," I told him.

"But you are," he said.

"Thanks for tryin you're sweet. I just. I don't believe it. I didn't believe it when I was thin either."

"You're still thin."


	80. mon nov 7th

"are you and chris still together?" I heard dad ask puck from the kitchen.

"actually...no," puck answered.

"oh wow."

"no and he's a good guy it's just. Well I met lia, so."

"right well she is pretty."

"yeah she is. Um I brought some dvds..."

"oh just put them on the kitchen table."

"ok."

"he comin tonight?" dad asked.

"yeah should be. And santanna, amber. Oh someone's bringing brownies but not the normal kind."

"oh that's fine. Long as iknow you're doin it."

"ok."

"how's chris doin after last yr.?"

"he's. Well he's not great. He's ok. It's not as new but it's still hard."

"right."

at some point chris had arrived. He approached me.

"hey you doin ok?" he asked.

"i um. Upstairs?" I asked meaning I wanted tot alk upstairs.

"ok."

we went upstairs and sat in the hall.

"i want to be pretty," I told him.

"but you are," he said.

"thanks for tryin you're sweet. I just. I don't believe it. I didn't believe it when I was thin either."

"you're still thin."


	81. Chapter 74

Ashley

I woke up having a feeling something was wrong. I got up and went into the lit living room where I discovered a note puck had left me telling me he and Rachel were talking in his car.

I went upstairs and down the hall into my room. Where I saw dianna drinking another white Russian. The room was lit.

"hey um what happened?" I asked her.

"how did you….?" she asked.

"well I for one never drink when things are going well."

"oh. There's something….." w/ her foot she indicated my toe shoes hanging on the wall.

The ones right by my playbill from swan lake.

I went and took the shoes down discovering there was a note inside.

"why my room?" I asked.

"it was the only place I could think of."

"oh."

I took out the note and read it: 'suka' means bitch in Russian. My family's Russian. Rachel and I were talking and…..

"oh," I said quietly: "I get it."

I put the note back in the shoes and put them back on the wall. The music of swan lake had been composed by a Russian composer.

"I, um," dianna began sounding more drunk than she had previously: "know about your dad. I came across that one blog. I won't tell or anything."

"no I know. I won't either. Thanks for um telling me."

"well you get it so."

"yeah. Yeah I do."


	82. Chapter 75

It was the next day v. early morning and dianna and I were lying on the floor of one of the rooms in ashleys.

"so you find me. Intimidating?" I asked her.

"well kindof yeah. You're loud for such a small person. Where the hell does all that extra noise come from?" she replied.

"why don't we find out?"

"here? We cant do it here in front of everyone. Well I mean we um we could but… suka," dianna muttered.

"what?" I whispered quietly surprised.

I was pretty sure I knew what that meant. But I didn't understand why dianna had said that in my presence.

She gasped and ran from the room. I didn't want to wake anyone up so I stood and followed her.

"dianna?" I called quietly.

I followed her smell to the kitchen.

"stay there," she said meaning the island.

I stood by the doorway.

"ok," I said waiting for further instructions.

"look. I'm sorry ok? I don't want to talk to you for awhile and it's nothing you did."

"ok," I said wondering again why but also realising that now wasn't the time to ask.

"I'll stay in the house the rest of the morning. I might wander around it. Actually I probably will."

"ok."

"but I'll stay inside."

"ok um…" I said wondering what to do.

"just I. not now ok?"

"ok."

I left going back into the bedroom.

"hey everything ok?" puck asked.

"um. I'm not sure."

"is she ok?"

"I. I don't think so but she'll stay in the house."

"ok. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I. um yeah. Once we find somewhere to do so."

"my car's good. I'll let Ashley know."

He stood.

We left the room.

"don't go into the kitchen," I told him.

"ok."

We went into the lit living room.

"um ima scribble a note for Ashley let her know we went to my car…." he looked around for a pen and paper.

Off the sofa I automatically picked up my purse and got a pen and paper out of it and handed it to him.

"thanks," he said taking it.

"want a drink?" he asked starting to scribble the note.

"do I ever. But not um. dragon fruit."

"no I get it. I got whiskey in my car."

"ok."

He scribbled the note and we went outside


	83. rachel: mon nov 7th

****Rachel****

During rehearsal dianna put her hand over her mouth and ran out of the room. Chris, amber, puck and I all stood.

"ill get her," puck said.

I looked at him; "no I will. If shes sick then shes probably in the womens restroom."

"yeah. Exactly."

"you only want to go after her so you can have-" amber pointed out.

"amber this isn't health class," mr. schue told her.

"what does he mean by that?"

"ill explain later," chris said.

"ok."

Amber looked at puck; "and not bc you care."

"hey I care."

"yeah enough to get her knocked up again," santanna said.

I looked at mr. schue; "mr. schue? Is it alrite if I go?"

"yes Rachel."

"ok."

I left the room.

I went down the quiet hall.

I wanted to spend more time w/ dianna as id been noticing her more lately. I had feelings for her. She was beautiful in a classic way. And just as distant sometimes.

Id reached the bathroom. I went in. it was cold.

"dianna?" I asked.

"go away," she said.

"its Rache."

"yeah I know."

"whats wrong?"

"im sick."

Well i knew that.

"youre not…"

"im not what?"

"youre not pregnant again are you?"

"no. I, didn't have lunch."

Dianna had been pregnant last yr w/ beth who was actually puck's but everyone thought was cory's.

"oh dianna," I said backing up against the wall; "why?"

"shouldn't you be in rehearsal?" she asked trying to distract me.

"mr. schue said it was ok for me to go."

"oh. And the cheerleading coach says we need to lose weight."

"but youre not. Um. Fat."

"yes Rachel I know that!"

Oh.

"oh. Im sorry I hadn't meant to annoy."

"no I know its not you. Im just. Hungry."'

"well I have some cranberries in my purse if you want them."

I was smiling being helpful.

"I don't know maybe."

"ok."

"you're not going back to rehearsal?" she asked.

"no. people need company when they're not well."

"why are you being so nice to me?"

"because I like you dianna."

"why would you like me? I'm horrible to you. To everyone actually."

"yeah but that's not your fault. And so was I if you don't accurately recall. You haven't had it easy either ok? I have 2 gay dads."

"oh. You're going to stay here?" she sounded surprised.

"yeah. I got no place to go. Well um I do but. Like one rehearsal is going to matter."

"oh."


	84. Chapter 77

Rachel

Dianna and I were at my house making out in my room that night. Shed come home w/ me after rehearsal.

"girls, din-" my dad john said opening my door.

Dianna and I pulled apart.

"dad!" I said.

"oh Rachel. Its ok im just glad to see you have a new friend. Anyway I came up here to let you know dinners ready," he said.

Dianna looked taken aback; "im. Im allowed to stay for dinner?" she asked.

Dad looked at her; "of course honey. Why wouldn't you be? We love having you stay as long as you want. Or. Need."

"I just. Its so weird bc when I was pregnant living in my friends car and told him he wasn't the father he. Um. I couldn't live there any more. He. Kicked me out. As did my dad."

I looked at her; "well this is much better than a car."

"its much bigger too," dad put in.

"so. I mean. youre not gonna kick me out?"

"I understand why youd think that but no were not."

"cmon. Lets go have dinner," I said.

"I. that's ok im not hungry," dianna said.

"well I still want you to come down."

"ok."

We all left my room went down the stairds into the kitchen and sat down to dinner.

"what are we having?" I asked.

"inidian food," my dad aaron said.

I took some from the big pot and put it on my plate then passed it to dianna.

"dianna? Whats wrong isn't it good?" aaron asked.

"oh no its very good mr….um. Berry. Im just im not hungry."

"oh. Well ok. Well make sure to save some for leftovers if you get hungry later."

"ok."

* * *

That night dianna and I were lying in bed. We heard my dads talking downstairs.

"im a little worried about dianna," aaron said.

"yeah I know me too. She didn't eat dinner," john said.

"maybe she just needs time."

"she sure looked hungry."

"don't push it."

"I didn't say I was going to. And. Im not."

"ok. Or maybe shes afraid of food being taken away from her like everything else was."

"what she needs now is stability. Oh and understanding."


	85. Chapter 78

Fri. sept 27th

Dianna

I hadn't slept well the previous night w/ my current pregnancy causing insomnia. I always slept weird in a new place. And I frequently woke from rather unfavorable dreams. And that's putting it mildly. Each time I woke I knew something was different a good different. Weird though. It was that Rachel was right there comforting and being nice to me.

Rachels dads had made us breakfast which I guess according to her they usually did. It was good. Sometimes in my house I was on my own for breakfast. And then we drove to school together. Well rather she drove. In her car. Which was also nice. And still weird. I wondered how long it would take for it not to be.

At school a few people noticed wed become friends. Rachel sang more. Well she sang around me more. That night before dinner I was worried her dads would kick me out. Her dads had been really nice and warm to me. At dinner Rachel told me she loved me.

Also before dinner her dad walked in on us making out.

After dinner I fell asleep and she woke me w/ kisses.


	86. tues nov 8th

Dianna

it was Wed. March 5th. We were in glee club rehearsal after school that day when I started feeling really tired. And achy. The music seemed louder than usual cause I was achy.

Rachel touched my hand and I jumped.

"God your hand is cold," I said.

"No you're just hot," she told me.

"Oh god. I don't feel good."

"Do you think you'll be able to finish?" she asked me: "rehearsing I mean."

"um not well. But I sortof have to."

"Ok it'll be over in a few mins. And then we'll go to my place and i'll make you comfies."

"Ok."

"Ladies," Mr. Schue said looking at us.

We stopped talking.

"Ok you're up. Time to rehearse 'moon dance'."

We got to the front of the room and began singing.

After glee we went to Rachel's. Once she got me all comfies and warm I fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark and she was holding a bottle of vodka.

"You're drinking now?" I asked surprised.

"Well no i'm not an alcoholic or anything."

"Vodka?"

"Why not?"

"Where are your dads?"

"Out."

"Oh. How long was I asleep for?"

"Few hrs. I also have whiskey."

"Oh."

"Ya want some?"

"Yeah why not?"

"You look warm."

"Yeah I am."

"Here."

She gave me a cup w/ vodka and milk in it. And something that tasted like coffee. It was cold and felt good when I drank it.

"oh god that's good," I said.

"I know. it's a white Russian."


	87. wed nov 9th

Sun. sept 22nd

Dianna

It was early morning the next day. I couldn't sleep. I looked around and found that Rachel wasn't in the room. She'd slept over that night. I wondered where she was and then heard a bowl clatter to the floor downstairs. I knew my dad had hurt her. I heard him move around downstairs and then a door close. This meant he'd gone into a room down there. I heard someone walking around downstairs then the front door open and close. I knew she'd left.


	88. dianna: tues nov 15th

Tues. oct. 1

Dianna

It was tues. oct 1st. As usual I was at rachels where id been staying the past almost wk. my throat was burning and id gotten even more tired. Shed wrapped something warm and wet around my neck and gave me something cold for my head. She had me drinking tea and taking cough drops. Wed gone to star bucks and had taken a sexy shower together.


	89. thurs nov 17th

Dianna

Fri. nov 10th

It was fri. nov 10th after school. Rachel and I were at my place. She was in the living room watching tv and I was in my room in my bed. I was sick again. I was trying to sleep. I heard the front door open and knew who it was. My dad. I stiffened which made me even more achy. I knew my dad would hurt her. I wanted to do something but couldn't as I was too sick too.

"You, get up," my dad said to her.

"No," she said.

She might've been small but she didn't like being told what to do.

"I said get up," my dad repeated.

I heard something bump against a wall and knew he'd bumped her into the wall.

"Next time I tell you to get up you do it," he said.

I knew as usual he was going into the kitchen.

"omygod," I heard her whisper.


	90. Chapter 83

It was a few days later. I still didn't feel good. As usual I was in my room on my bed. To add to everything Jesse the guy id been dating has unexpectedly broken up w/ me. Which didn't help any.

A knock came on my door.

"yeah?" I said.

"its me dear," Dianna said.

"oh," I looked towards the door, "um" - I coughed - "come in."

"ok."

She did closing the door behind her. I noticed she was holding the yellow and a bottle of root beer.

I shook my head as she approached me: "no. I don't want root beer."

"its for you love. Its for your temp," she told me.

Oh.

"oh."

"yeah."

She sat on my bed.

"give me your feet," she said.

I tried to move them out from under the covers but couldn't as I was too achy.

"ow," I said softly.

"here," Dianna said.

She moved down and across me and moved the covers off my feet. She held them.

"omygod."

"huhm?" I asked.

"your feet are burning."

"they are?"

"yeah."

She was surprised as was I. I was also really tired so I didn't fully register what shed said.

She reached behind her and got the bottle.

"spread your legs," she said.

I smiled despite my tired sick haze.

I spread them.

"now bend them."

I did.

"mmk. And put your um. Um…."

I moved my toes.

"yes those. Thank you dear. Feet together," Dianna finished.

I did as she put the bottle in between them. I felt the cold. It was surprising.

"oh. Ohhhh. Oh god," I was strangely turned on.

"yeah I know."

She put the yellow on the back of my neck and brushed my hair back.

"better?" she asked.

"yeah but I wish I was w/ Jesse. No I mean you're pretty and you've been so nice to me lately. I…..its…..just…" I coughed.

"shhh. Shhh. Oh honey. I know," Dianna said.

"whets" - cough - "new?"

"well I moved in w/ amber after my parents kicked me out. Bc Cory broke the news to them that I was pregnant."

"oh."

"yeah I know. And he kicked me out."

"oh."

"yeah kinda sucks."

I nodded: "mmmhmm."

"darling," Dianna said moving my head onto her chest.

I smiled sleepily at the endearment.

"hm?"

"maybe….you….could try to talk less."

I immediately tensed: "why? Am I annoying you?"

"no. no no no," she said quickly: "no hear me out."

She put her hands up in defense.

I nodded: "mmk."

"you rehearse all the damn time."

"well no one else is going to carry all the female vocals. Least," I looked down, "not the same way I do."

"I know and you're amazing. don't get me wrong. I just. Wonder how good it is for you. If you're sick and you keep rehearsing late into the night and early in the morning you'll. Just. Only get sicker. And I don't want that to happen sugar."

I smiled at the endearment: "what are you southern?"

"no. not really."

"oh."


	91. thanksgiving

Mandy

It was thanksgiving day. My sister Ashley's cousin Annabelle, Ashley's grandmother lavander, her friends Miranda, Reenah and Scarlette from the city, my siblings. tom, adam, evan, Rebecca, their baby, my friend jessica, jessica and dianna's mom, my parents, dad's mom my grandmother sara, sara's sisters my great aunts suzanne and kelly, mom's brother my uncle david and sam, her sister my aunts Emily and grace. Mom's sister in law stacey, stacey's mom Maureen and myself were all crowded around the big table in the living room. There wasn't enough room in the kitchen for all of us. After this thanksgiving Annabelle and ashley were going over to Annabelle's mom's house. Well her parent's - susanna and mike - house. Annabelle's sister kaitlyn would be there. When they got back the glee club was having our thanksgiving and then ashley and Annabelle were going to Annabelle's.

stacey had married Mom's brother Charlie. I wondered why he wasn't at our place today. Stacey had blue eyes and fluffy blonde hair.

"This is the 2nd time I've been to your house and I still really like it I still really like Denver," lavander said looking at dad.

She was in a brown dress her white hair pulled back.

"Oh well thank you," dad said looking at lavander.

"Yeah I like their house too," Annabelle aid.

"Yeah everyone who moves here likes it," this was surprising coming from mom who wasn't much for saying nice things: "I'm from ct myself as are Maureen, Stacy, David, Emily, grace and Sam."

mom was of course in a dark purple suit.

"That's right," Maureen Stacy's mom said.

She was about my grandmother sara's age.

"My side of the family's from rhode island though I've gone to school in ca and the city," Jesse said.

"Oh yes I've spent some time in the city myself. It's quite a place," lavander said remembering her time in the city.

"yes yes it is."

"We're all from there save for lily," Miranda said.

She had long dark hair and dark eyes. She was in a white shirt and black pants.

"right."

"And I'm from Boston," alexa said.

"So am I," mark said.

He had dark hair and eyes. He was in a dark shirt and jeans.

"Actually I'm thinking of going to college in boston."

"Oh well we can be neighbors. Maybe. How far away is that?" mark said hoping he and alexa would be neighbors but maybe not.

"um well it's in mass., so," alexa was annoyed by this.

"No I meant college."

"Oh so doe Hannah," mark aid.

"Yeah I know you forget we used to live together. And I get to see my crazy family again. Oh good."

Alexa didn't sound too excited about this. I didn't know too much about her family if anything.

"Yes Denver's a nice place," Sara said.

She was thin w/ long white hair. She was in a light shirt and pants.

Dad turned to his mom: "actually mom I'm thinking of taking you up on that offer you presented last yr."

"um remind me again," sara aid turning to dad.

"The one about you moving on. We all think its a good idea."

"Oh ok. Yeah I'll do that," sara agreed.

"Ok."

"So I know mandy but I don't know you," dad's sister Kelly said to jessica leaning forward.

She had dark hair that was wavy in big waves.

"Oh I'm jessica. A friend of mandy's. Actually I don't know if you know dianna but she's my older sister. She's a friend of mandy's sister ashley," jessica said also leaning forward.

"Right I've met ashley. Nice to meet you," kelly said smiling.

"Yeah you too," jessica also smiled.

Jessica and lavander met.

"I like the potatos," Annabelle aid smiling.

"Thank you. We made them," Rebecca said smiling.

She was in a long green dress.

she was polite and not much of a word shortener.

"Rebecca right?" Annabelle asked.

"Yeah we met lat yr. good to ee you again," Rebecca aid.

"Yeah you too."

Annabelle went back to her potato. She seemed sad about something. Ahley, dianna and dad looked at her wondering why she was sad.

"Your house is so warm," carlette aid.

She smiled.

She had black hair in medium waves.

"I know," dad aid.

"yeah it is. my place is the same way," Annabelle aid.

"yeah it really is," ahley said.

Annabelle decided to have some corn.

"I really like corn," she said smiling.

"well we have plenty of it. Tom and alexa made it. Do you want ome to take w/ you?" dad asked.

"um. Yeah ok. And some potatos too."

"ok."

Dad wa always nice to new people.


	92. Chapter 85

Ahley

It wa thankgiving and Annabelle and I'd jut arrived at her mom'. well her parent. It wa 4:30. Previously that day we'd been at jee and karen. That had gone from 12 lunch to 4. After thi the glee club wa having their thankgiving and then after that Annabelle, evan and I were having our own.

Annabelle parent the whittle young lived in cherry creek. He wa 23 her iter kaitlyn wa 21. Their dad mike jee brother wa 52 hi wife uanna wa 49 9 yr older than karen who wa 40. Mike had 3 other ibling a iter a brother and a half iter. A long time ago mike' dad truman had married ara then he went on to marry carol they divorced and truman had married anitta. Carol went and married john and ara married brian jee' dad. Mike' family wouldn't be at the houe but uanna' would. Her iter, 2 brother, their wive and their children.

Mike wa a occer ref and uanna wa a cpa.


	93. the day after thanksgiving: annabelle

**Annabelle**

It was 8 the next morning [which was mon.] and I was at Ashley's. Well not Ashley's alexa's I just always thought of it as Ashley's cause she used to live there and I'd grown so accessioned to thinking that way. She was presumably at her place and her siblings except for her brother who was at his place were at school. Jesse would be here karen was at work. She was surprisingly a nice person though I knew her children were scared of her and I knew why. After we'd gone to the bar which closed at 2 we went to the store where we stayed till 4 then evan ashleys brother took us to leela's where we stayed untill 7 then he took karen to work and me to ashleyss. We had a nice time. On the way to ashleys I texted my friend and let him know where I was.

I heard someone in the downstairs bathroom.

"I need…..sugar but that would involve moving which. I don't think I should do right now," she was saying.

I went to the kitchen where I poured some soda. I took it to the bathroom where I knocked on the closed door.

"um. Yeah?" she asked.

"hi you ok in there? It's me."

"well I mean not really. And who?"

"Annabelle ashleys. cousin," I replied thinking she might have met Ashley.

"oh."

"I have something for you that I think'll help."

"ok uh come in should be unlocked."

I opened the door came in closed it behind me. In front of me on the floor was a lady about 16 or 18. She had long brown hair. She was thin and small.

"hi," i said.

She looked at me; "hi. I'm lia."

"I'm Annabelle ashley's."

"cousin yeah I know you just told me."

"oh. Here," I said giving her the cup.

"thanks," she said taking it.

"uh huh."

As she drank it I noticed she was slightly shaky.

"you probably have low blood sugar hon," I told her.

"yeah I. I know. I didn't think I should um. Move," she ssaid.

"you're right. I've been there myself. And I know how much being alone and sick sucks."

"yeah. It's just so comfortable being sick."

"yeah it is. Not really recovering at all just being stuck."

"yeah but it took a lot of work to get this way so why would I want to undo it."

"no I get it. Have you met Ashley?"

"yeah I have. She's cool. Her sister mandy's my um. Locker person."

I smiled knowing what she meant.

She drank more of the soda. She reminded me of dianna.

"how old are you?" I wondered.

"18."

Oh.

"oh."

"we've met actually," she told me.

We had?

"we have?" I asked.

"yeah when we were all at your place after the dance."

"oh yeah that's right."

I wondered how the hell she got back here so quickly. I'd seen her just yesterday morning.

"how'd you get here so quickly?" I asked.

"oh your er your I mean ashleys brother took me."

"oh."

"damn," she said.

I waited.

"my ankle," she explained; "I sprained it over the weekend which is another reason I'm not in school today. I'm not from here the northeast."

"oh. I am. And it's only mon. and the caffeine will help w/ that."

"I know."

Oh.

I stood.

"ill be right back," I said.

"ok."

I left the bathroom and went to the linen closet where I got some pills. You weren't supposed to keep your pills in the bathroom cause the humidity would make them weird-looking which is why Ashley's family didn't. then I went to the kitchen and took the bottle of soda out. I noticed there was one marked 'anna' in there and a few vitaminwater for mandy and Louisa. There were only 2 bottles of soda left. I had some more at my place which I'd bring over since I'd picked some up yesterday, so.

I went back to the bathroom w/ the pills and the soda.

"here," I told lia, "this'll help."

Original text "ok."


	94. mon nov 28th

Shawn

While Ashley and puck got acquainted with Claire I stood back against the wall and thought. A few days ago I'd had a talk with James lilys younger brother about the way he'd been treating Morgan. I'd told him to stay away from her. Since he'd been hurting her ever since they met. Maybe that's why lily didn't want to take care of rosemary because she didn't want James hurting her. I didn't know if Morgan and James were still together.

Out of my pocket I pulled out the bottle of vodka and took a drink. Ashley must've noticed because she looked my way.

"Hey you alrite?"

"Yeah why do you ask?"

"I'm good at reading people Shawn."

"Oh."

"Well that and you're drinking and I know I never drink when I'm happy."

"Yeah I'm. Fine."

I started walking down the hall in the opposite direction.

"Hey I was just trying to-" Ashley called.

"Ashley," I heard Claire say.

"What."

"Leave him alone."


	95. mandy: dec 5th: 4 am kitchen quiet

Mon. dec. 5th

mandy

it was mon. dec. 5th early morning. Not even ashley was up. She got up at 5 to go to ballet. So it was before 5 4 a.m. I was in the kitchen. Everyone else was asleep. It was quiet. I was making myself hot chocolate and getting something cold for my bruises. This was one of the few times I was able to. We had cold things on hand in the freezer if people got headaches or sprained ankles or something. I didn't want anyone else but lia knowing and so far no one else did. While I was waiting for my hot chocolate in the microwave I put something cold on my back. That's where the bruises were. That's why adam and i'd done nothing but cuddle lately. He knew my back hurt a lot but it usually hurt a lot due to lack of b vitamins. I didn't want him touching the bruises until they got better which would be in a few wks. Mom had moved on to hurting louisa.


	96. Mandy: feb: rose & mom

Mandy

It wa tue. Feb. 17th after chool, glee and how rehearal. Loouia and I were in our room. Someone had jut come into the houe. We heard whoever it wa being pushed into a window by the front door.

"ow," whoever's been pushed aid.

It wa roe.

"you already cut I'm jut making it eaier on you," someone ele aid.

It wa mom.


	97. tues march 20: louisa: telling cherie

Louisa

it was march 20th. Cherie and I were at her place she was high I was drunk. It was quiet.

"um," I said.

"yeah kitten?" she asked looking at me.

"um. There's something you should know," I began.

"hm?"

"i..." I breathed in: "my mom. She. Hurts me sometimes. Physically and. Other ways."

"oh god. o. my god. Wow. Even though i'm high that still hit me. How long has she...?"

"a awhile. First it was mandy. And now it's me and rose. Don't tell rose i-"

"i won't."


	98. hannah: thurs feb 9th

Hannah

It wa the morning of fri. jan. 9th early morning. It wa 2:20 a.m. gavin, leo and eric were aleep. My phone rang waking me up.

"yeah?" I aked anwering it.

"hi will you come pick me up?" karen aked.

"um. Where are you?"

"jee and evan won't anymore. A bar."

"oh."

He gave me the addre.

"yeah I'll be there by 3," I told her.


	99. Karen: sun feb 6 2012: milo

It was the night of sun. feb. 5rh 2012 9:30. I was at milo's a bar Ashley's cousin annabelle had mentioned when she'd been over at our house last holiday season. I wondered if I'd see her here tonight. She was lovely. Nothing much was going on yet. I'd ordered a white russian and was sitting at a table drinking it. The bar was quiet not many people were in it. I knew they had karaoke but wasn't sure when and wanted to know. I wondered if pam would want to come w/ me.

"excuse me," I said as a waitress walked by.

"yes?" she asked turning.

"when's your karaoke?"

"oh thurs. nights."

"oh ok thank you."

She went on her way.

It was a small bar cosy. I wondered if there was another one somewhere. I didn't spend much time in this area so I didn't know. But maybe I would.

I pulled out my phone and texted pam about karaoke asking if she wanted to go on thurs.

At that moment Annabelle walked in.

"Annabelle!" I called.

She turned and saw me and came over to me.

"hi mrs. B," she said.

"hi it's good to see you," I said.

It always was.

"and please, call me karen."

I'd reminded her of this several times but it never seemed to stick. I think she was slightly intimidated by me. Most were.

She sat down.

"I was wondering if I'd see you tonight."

"and here I am," she said.

"now what can I get you?" I asked.

"are you a waitress now? I didn't know you worked here."

"I don't and I think I'm too old too," I said laughing.

Annabelle laughed too.

"well you're not that old."

"well aren't you sweet."

And she was. I was 40.

"no I'm just offering to buy you a drink. If you want. Is it always this quiet?" I asked since it was surprisingly so.

"well since you're offering. I'll have soco."

"ok."

"that's one thing I like about this place. Only once have I had to buy my own drinks. And no not on thurs."

"yeah I heard they have karaoke."

"yeah they do it starts at 9 I usually go."

"mmm ok. I might come too on thurss. W/ pam I don't know if you've met ..pam."

"yeah I have last holiday session. Briefly. She seems nice. Yeah so sometimes Ashley comes. And our friend."

"ok. There any more bars?"

"yeah there are 2 close by one's on um oneida and the other's across Lansdale."

"oh."

"the one on oneida has karaoke wed. nights."

"oh ok. So what is there to do around here?"

She filled me in.

"so how far is it from your place to here?" I asked.

"about 30 mins. walking."

"wow."

"yeah it's pretty far."

"I was thinking I'd drive you back."

"I um no I'm ok. If something happens I'll call my friend."

I was surprised by her response and then looked at the drink in my hand and connected things.

"oh. right," I said.

"now where is my drink?" Annabelle assessed.

"you haven't ordered it yet hon," I reminded her.

"oh."

The waitress came by again and Annabelle ordered her drink.

"so then. I'll have my son or one of my daughters drive me," I said.

"ok. So how was your day?" she asked.

"long. One of my patients is in the hospital a friend of mandy's who I don't think you've met."

"oh wow what happened?"

"she, passed out. From, her anorexia. Er I mean as a result of. Yeah. It's not the first time it's happened."

"oh wow. I have that."

"yeah I figured as much."

"I've just never been hospitalised for it."

"oh. Yeah so. It's difficult being a therapist."

"yeah I'd think so."

"mandy has it too or well she did."

"yeah I remember Ashley telling me that. Hey you ever been to leela's?" Annabelle asked.

"um no."

"it's this lovely caf bar downtown that never closes. Well the cafe doesn't."

"right."

"we can go sometime if you want."

"oh. Sure yeah ok."


	100. Chapter 92

Dianna

It was Thurs. march 22nd and rehearsal had finished. Everyone was waiting outside. I was walking down the long hall from the cold bathroom to the big auditorium. When I came in I saw someone small lying on the wooden floor of the big stage. The figure looked small from this distance. I went down the slanted dark gray carpted floor I went towards it. The door closed behind me. As I got closer I realised who it was. It was Rachel. She couldn't have been there that long. Her back was to me. She was in a dress.

"omygod," I whispered at the sight of her.

She'd gotten thinner and smaller over time.

I approached the stage.

When she heard me approach she tried to get up but went right back down again.

"Oh fuk," she said quietly.

"Do you want help?" I asked.

"uh what? Oh maybe."

"ok holdon."

I went up on the stage and got behind her. I helped her sit up against me. She was thinner than I remember. We hadn't touched in so long.

"god you're ," I said quietly wondering when the last time she ate had been.

She'd always been small. I was amazed she'd gotten this small. And a little worried.

"i know and i'm sorry," she said not wanting to disappoint me.

"well. I get it but it's not like you promised me you wouldn't. Though I don't like that you've become. This. Like this."

I was quiet when I said this I got quieter. I was understanding and honest when I told her what I had.

"i know I don't like it either. But I do."

she was honest when she'd told me this. She was looking ahead.

"yeah I know."

and the thing was. I did having been there too. Lia understoof it too. I knew what it was like to hate your disease and at the same time liking that you had enough willpower to not eat for however long.

"i've been wondering about something," she asked me in the quiet big auditorium.

"yeah?"

"last yr. When you...when you called me su-that. What you called me."

"uh huh," I said remembering.

"was that. Cause of your dad?"

"yeah. Yeah it was. I'm not um proud of it," I admitted.

"oh."


	101. summer 2012: ashley: june

Ashley

it was a warm june day in june. Alexa, Tom, Anna and I were the only ones at the house. Mandy was at the store, jesse was teaching art, Karen was at work, Pam was at work, lily was at the park, louisa was at cherie's and Rose was. Somewhere. Rose was always somewhere but we weren't ever entirely sure where she was just always 'somewhere'. I was in the upstairs bathroom on the floor sick. Again. People knew I got sick often due to fact that i'd recently developed an eating disorder but they didn't pay much attention. Due to my busy schedule during the school yr. I hadn't had much time to eat. Now my days were filled w/ taking extra ballet classes and working. I still worked the 3 jobs I'd had. And still had the same hrs. I took ballet during the day. And since I didn't eat a whole lot I didn't get the vitamins I needed. I was dizzy and nauseous. I'd had ballet from 5 – 11 that morning then went to my waitressing job from 11 – 1. then ballet from 1 – 5. and now I was at my house. In Aug. I'd get my own place. I'd be at my house until 8. I worked at the bookstore from 9 – 11. I still didn't sleep a whole lot.

Tom came and knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" I asked thinking it wasn't a good idea for me to move.

And so I didn't.

"Hey I brought you something," he told me.

"Ok come in," I said.

He came into the quiet cold white bathroom. He was holding a cup. He was in a shirt and jeans. I sat up against the wall. I took the cup. I sipped it w/o looking.

"Soda?" I asked realising what it was after tasting it.

I looked at him.

"Yeah. Your blood sugar's probably low," he was looking down at me.

"Um. Yeah."

"You want some dinner?"

"um I maybe."

"When was the last time you ate?" alexa arrived at the doorway blocking it.

As usual she was in a shirt, jeans and a vest.

"At work. Earlier. I had a muffin. I had 5 mins.," I looked at her.

"A muffin. You should have pizza or idinno an actual meal. Actually yeah I could go for some pizza. Will you-?" she looked at tom.

"- order some yeah," Tom looked at her.

"Why are you telling me what to do when I already don't feel good and 2 i'm older than you are?" I said.

"bc I don't want you to end up like Mandy," alexa looked at me.

"Mandy's recovering," I pointed out.

"Like how she was."

oh.

"Oh. And you're just paying attention to this *now*? Well where the hell were you before."

"i thought you didn't want me involved in your life which is why I wasn't. But no one else is going to be not like this."

"Yeah and thank god for that. I don't want that."

"No obviously not. But maybe you need it."

she had a point.


	102. summer 2012

Ashley

it was the next day. It was nice out. Ben was at my house and I was in my room. I heard people downstairs.

"I don't feel good," it was Rachel.

I heard her walk to the sofa.

"I know honey and I'll help you feel better. Let's get you on the sofa," dianna said also going to the sofa.

She and rachel must've been the ones who'd come in.

"Hey I'll help," Ben said.

"thank you."

The truth was I didn't feel that great myself.

"Soda?" Ben asked.

"Yeah her blood sugar's low," dianna said.

"and how are you doing?"

Upstairs I smiled. Ben had always been nice. It was weird hearing Rachel and dianna get along when they hadn't much all yr.

"Yeah I could go for some soda. But I'm not doing as bad as she is," dianna said.

"Ok 2 sodas coming right up."

I heard someone go into the kitchen.

"Dianna …...you know. You don't have to do this I'm prefectly able to take care of myself," Rachel said.

"Just bc you're **able to** doesn't mean you always want to. I know why you're pushing me away but I don't like it. Truth is we've both had a lot happen this yr. Which'll take a long time to come back from. I know my dad put you through hell and godamn i'm so sorry. And I always will be sorry."

"Yeah. But really how are you doing?"

"I'm. I have to take care of you first."

"You don't have to you want to."

"No actually in a way I do. Well I should but I certainly don't **have** to. Ok so you're right. You and your semantics."

"Everyone and their semantics."

"I'm... I'm..."

"You're avoiding the question and I know when youre hiding something from me."

"I'm not great my blood sugar's dropped."


	103. Chapter 95

Hannah

The super cold day after thanksgiving news pot

It was fri. dec. 2 and gavin, eric and I were at erics smoking. We were inside since it was so cold out it was super cold.

"how ya doin?" eric asked me.

"I don't know but I do know," I answered.

"yeah I get that."

I was digesting the news I'd gotten earlier today from jesse, his friend mark and their friend lacy. Apparently I was lacy and marks daughter. Theyd hooked up in college.

"I mean. id always wondered who my parents were. And I always wanted to find out but I. also liked the whole mystery of not knowing. When I didn't know then they could've been anyone."

"yeah it's a lot to take in," gavin said.

"hey the holidays are hard on a lot of people," eric said.

"thanks."

"it explains where your love of Greece comes from. And why you look like your….er. Lacy."

"who you've not yet met."

"well hey if you want we could all go out to dinner later. And we'll get stoned first, so."

"mmm maybe."

"ok."


	104. april: fl disney hotel

Ahley

It was April and we were all standing in a hotel room in disneyworld's pop century after checking in.

"Alrite now what does everyone want to do first?" Mr. Schue asked.

"I want to go downtown," Rachel said.

"I want to go to the parks," Amber said.

"Me too," chris said.

"I want to go swimming," Santanna said.

"They have 2 water parks," I informed her.

"I meant at the hotel but yeah maybe I'll go there."

"Oh."

"Yeah I think I'll head downtown myself," Mr. Schue said.

"And I. want to stay here," Dianna said.

Mr. schue looked at her.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"um. Yeah. Long flight I might go out later," she answered.

"Oh ok."

She didn't sound like she was but I didn't say anything.

"And I'm. going to get something to eat who wants something?" Puck asked.

"I could eat," Tina said.

"Me too," Mandy said.

I smiled knowing she was trying.

"Will you fill my cup?" Dianna asked handing her plastic disney cup to puck.

"Yeah what do you want?" he asked.

"um. dr."

"Ok."

* * *

Puck and I were in line at the food court of the hotel.

"What a cool hotel," he told me.

"Yeah I know. My cousin's been here. She grew up travelling," I said.

"oh wow. I've only been to the places that I lived. in. and now here."

"Yeah ya know it's so weird to her that some people haven't travelled. And I get why."

"Right. Well actually my grandmother's from Russia and we visited her a few times. I don't think you've met her marie has. You'd like her. She didn't like it there. My grandmother I mean."

"Yeah I've been to um. Well my mom's from Ireland so we went there. New orleans where I'm fromm."

"Right right. Dianna seems tired."

"Yeah I think she is. She's had a lot going on this yr. Well I've been to Mexico. And um canada. W/ my cousin. And . Ireland."

"Wow."

"yeah."


	105. Chapter 96

Ashley

puck and I were in line at the food court of the hotel.

"what a cool hotel," he told me.

"yeah iknow. My cousin's been here. She grew up travelling," I said.

"oh wow. I've only been to the places that I lived. in. and now here."

"yeah ya know it's so weird to her that some people haven't travelled. And I get why."

"right. Well actuallymy grandmother's from russia and we visited her a few times. I don't think you've met her marie has. You'd like her. She didn't like it there. My grandmother I mean."

"yeah i've been to um. Well my mom's from ireland so we went there. New orleans where i'm fromm."

"right right. Dianna seems tired."

"yeah I think she is. She's had a lot going on this yr. Well i've been to mexico. And um canada. W/ my cousin. And . Ireland."

"wow."

"yeah."


	106. Chapter 98

The other headed out while santanna, mandy, tian and I stayed in the room. Puck was on his way downstairs.

"this is such a cool hotel," santanna said.

"yeah I know. I like all the decades. And the decade things out front. The giant. um. Statue things," mandy said.

"you sure you don't want to go anywhere today?" tina asked me.

"ni i'll be here. If i'm going to leave i'll leave a note or um. Text someone. I'm tired," I told her.

"ok well i'm going to get something to eat."

"me too," mandy said.

"i'm going to change and then go swimming what's ashley doing?" santanna asked.

"i don't know."

"oh. ok."

tina and mandy left while santanna stayed in and changed. I wanted a bit of time to settle in before changing.


	107. Chapter 99

****Evan****

Rebecca and I were at our place talking about money. And children. Our baby was asleep.

"I really want another one," Rebecca told me.

"yeah I know but not right now. I think you should at least wait a yr. untill after the…untill after um. what happened," I told her.

We still didn't refer to the miscarriage as such.

"yeah but she's so pretty. And I love having someone to take care of. I wish she could stay this age forever."

"yeah I know. Let's just hope she doesn't develop cancer w/I the next 2 yrs. and even if it hadn't. happened it's still better to wait. And I don't think we can afford it right now. I don't have a job and you don't either. Well except for this," I said

"Have you talked to ashley yet?" she asked.

"yes actually she has enough for 2 months for us for living expenses. Well last month and the rest of this one."

"right what about next month and December?"

"I don't know yet I haven't talked to her about it."

"oh."

"yeah. She jut recently got fired from her job as a stripper."

"oh wow."

"yeah but she's still a waitress and she works at the bookstore. And she's a cocktail waitress downtown."

"don't you have to be 21 to do that?"

"yeah but no one needs to know she's not."

"oh. Ok. What about hitting up your mom doesn't she come from money?"

"well yes you're right she doe. But A: she's not exactly the warmest person and 2: she. doesn't talk to her family."

"oh. Well nov. starts in 2 wks."

"yeah I know. I'll talk to her about it. She has to pay her living expenses too."

"ok."

"or maybe….maybe Annabelle her cousin could help us out she seems to have quite a bit of money. If only few dollars," I said talking more to myself then Rebecca.

"a few isn't going to be enough for rent."

"no I mean combined w/ the money ashley's giving us."

"oh."

"hey do you ever want to get married?" I asked her randomly.

"that's, really expensive," Rebecca pointed out.

"no I know. so that's a no then?"

"well I don't know. If we do I want our baby to be old enough to be the flower girl. And to be old enough to remember it."

"well. I did mean to me. But also in general."

"oh. We're legally allowed to."

"hell alexa's legally allowed to."

"right I know."

"I knew someone who was going to. I mean she hadn't like proposed or anything but she was planning on it. Then they broke up but a little after a yr. later she realised they would've rushed into it and she wouldn't've been ready," I said.

"oh. Who?" Rebecca asked.

"Annabelle."

"oh."

"it's ok if you don't I mean my parents never did they're just friends though I don't know if I'd call them friends at this point. But they were."

"right right."

As we talked I thought of asking my dad to ask my mom's brother david if he'd be willing to give us money. I knew he and my mom were close he was one of the members of her family she still talked to. I knew he'd given my dad money before. Which reminded me….

"hey what are you doing for thanksgiving?" I asked.

"um I. not a lot why?" she asked.

"it'd be ok if you spend it w/ us. unless. You want to spend it w/ your family."

"no I don't uh. I don't talk to my family most of them don't even know I was pregnant. Last they heard I was prostituting."

"oh."

Rebecca had never spoke much of her family or her past.

"um ok. We'd bring the baby of course and I know my sisters want to see you."

"ok that sounds nice."


	108. Chapter 105

It was the next day v. early morning and dianna and I were lying on the floor of one of the rooms in ashleys.

"so you find me. Intimidating?" I asked her.

"well kindof yeah. You're loud for such a small person. Where the hell does all that extra noise come from?" she replied.

"why don't we find out?"

"here? We cant do it here in front of everyone. Well I mean we um we could but… suka," dianna muttered.

"what?" I whispered quietly surprised.

I was pretty sure I knew what that meant. But I didn't understand why dianna had said that in my presence.

She gasped and ran from the room. I didn't want to wake anyone up so I stood and followed her.

"dianna?" I called quietly.

I followed her smell to the kitchen.

"stay there," she said meaning the island.

I stood by the doorway.

"ok," I said waiting for further instructions.

"look. I'm sorry ok? I don't want to talk to you for awhile and it's nothing you did."

"ok," I said wondering again why but also realising that now wasn't the time to ask.

"I'll stay in the house the rest of the morning. I might wander around it. Actually I probably will."

"ok."

"but I'll stay inside."

"ok um…" I said wondering what to do.

"just I. not now ok?"

"ok."

I left going back into the bedroom.

"hey everything ok?" puck asked.

"um. I'm not sure."

"is she ok?"

"I. I don't think so but she'll stay in the house."

"ok. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I. um yeah. Once we find somewhere to do so."

"my car's good. I'll let Ashley know."

He stood.

We left the room.

"don't go into the kitchen," I told him.

"ok."

We went into the lit living room.

"um ima scribble a note for Ashley let her know we went to my car…." he looked around for a pen and paper.

Off the sofa I automatically picked up my purse and got a pen and paper out of it and handed it to him.

"thanks," he said taking it.

"want a drink?" he asked starting to scribble the note.

"do I ever. But not um. dragon fruit."

"no I get it. I got whiskey in my car."

"ok."

He scribbled the note and we went outside.


	109. Chapter 106

Ashley

I woke up having a feeling something was wrong. I got up and went into the lit living room where I discovered a note puck had left me telling me he and Rachel were talking in his car.

I went upstairs and down the hall into my room. Where I saw dianna drinking another white Russian. The room was lit.

"hey um what happened?" I asked her.

"how did you….?" she asked.

"well I for one never drink when things are going well."

"oh. There's something….." w/ her foot she indicated my toe shoes hanging on the wall.

The ones right by my playbill from swan lake.

I went and took the shoes down discovering there was a note inside.

"why my room?" I asked.

"it was the only place I could think of."

"oh."

I took out the note and read it: 'suka' means bitch in Russian. My family's Russian. Rachel and I were talking and…..

"oh," I said quietly: "I get it."

I put the note back in the shoes and put them back on the wall. The music of swan lake had been composed by a Russian composer.

"I, um," dianna began sounding more drunk than she had previously: "know about your dad. I came across that one blog. I won't tell or anything."

"no I know. I won't either. Thanks for um telling me."

"well you get it so."

"yeah. Yeah I do."


	110. Rachel

Rachel

When I got back downstairs dianna was in the kitchen. Santanna and brittany were in the living room. I didn't know where tina, chris, amber, mike, adam and rose were. When I opened one of the wooden cabinet doors dianna jumped even though it wasn't loud.

"Damn," she said from behind me startled.

"Um sorry," I said wondering why this had scared her and also a bit annoyed w/ her.

I got out a white teacup and put a teabag from the rectangle box that was on the counter in it. Then went to the sink put the cup under the faucet and put water in it. Then I put it in the microwave and set the time for a minute. The buttons beeped when I set the time. I turned around to face her.

"Um actually I'm glad you're here. Well somewhat. I am cause I need to talk to you about something but I'm not cause it's something I need to talk to yyou about not something I want to talk to you about," I said as the microwave whirred.

"Um ok."

"Earlier. Why wouldn't you give Lia your coat?"

"cause. Then I'd be colder."

"I would've given you mine."

"Yeah but I don't want to use your coat to cover my. Um stuff. Even though I have this big sweater."

I came towards her. She shrank back obviously not wanting my physicality.

"Ok what's going on w/ you lately? You were like this over the summer too. You barely went swimming which I know you like doing."

"I...he...i have to go."

"Go where?" I called after her as she left the kitchen.

I wondered who 'he' was.


	111. mon oct 24th: rachel

Rachel

It a mon. oct. 10th early morning. I was over at Annabelle's again. I knocked on the door thinking maybe they were expecting me but I wasn't sure. This was the 3rd time I'd gone over there. dianna dad had hurt me. Again. The morning was dark and cold. I was crying and shaken.

I a about to knock again when the door opened and there stood Annabelle.

"hi good to see you again. Um. What happened?" she asked letting me in.

"vodka," I said going up the stairs.

Tears made my vision blurry.

I went to the linen closet where they kept the plastic cups got one out and poured myself some green apple. I drank it. Annabelle looked at me expectantly waiting.

"um. Dianna's dad. hurt me again," I told her.

"oh wow. When?" Annabelle asked: "are you I mean are you ok? Er well obviously you're not ok but I mean. um."

"I'm not bleeding anymore if that's what you mean. I haven't changed my clothes or anything since apparently you're not supposed to do that."

"mmmhmm."

"um."

"honey if this **continue **to happen maybe you should go to the hospital. I'm not telling you what to do I just. Um. well it's not a bad plan."

"I know I just I mean .."

"do you have anything?"

"I don't know I haven't been checked," I told her.

"oh. Well do you have anywhere to stay?"

"well there's my place but I don't want my dads knowing. I'm going to college next yr. I might a well figure things out on my own."

"yeah I know how that is."

"also he might find me at my house, so."

"right. Well there's always here. It'll be a bit crowded w/ 3 but it. It's fairly safe."

"ok."

"are you in any pain?"

"yeah I am," I aid sipping more of the vodka.

"ok um. We have like. Advil. Or I don't know if you smoke weed but we have that too. Although you really shouldn't mix alcohol and pill but I presume you already know that and I wont. I won't stop you. That's not something I do."

"ok."


	112. summer 2011: aug: santanna: rachel meet

Aug.

santanna

It was a warm aug. morning. It was 2 a.m. I'd told Rachel I knew of a place she could stay for awhile where she'd be away from dianna's dad. We were at annabelle's place.

"you always come over here this early?" she asked.

"yeah. she's alrite w/ it. Annabelle is just lovely," I told her.

"uh. Ok."

I knocked on the door.

"yeah come in," Annabelle said.

I tried the door and found that it was unlocked. They'd learned to expect me.

"hey I brought a friend," I said coming in and closing the door behind us.

"ok."

"wow it's warm in here," Rachel said.

"yeah I know. She, doesn't like it being cold," I said.

"I know but for aug. Wow."

"yeah. I know."

We went up the stairs and into the living room. Rachel introduced herself to annabelle.

"so uh. How do you know dianna?" annabelle asked.

"school."

"oh."

"so um we have whiskey if you want some. And help yourself to anything that's in the kitchen," Annabelle said.

"ok."

"so what's goin on?" Annabelle asked.

"I'm gonna go," I said.

"ok."

I left.


	113. Rachel: glee break puck talking

"is this how it feels?" I asked puck.

"is this how what feels? Feeling like you don't matter yeah. It sucks it's a horrible feeling," he answered.

"yeah and not even my own girlfriend's helping. No she only cares about herself."

"don't you think there's a-"

"no I know there's a reason behind that i'm not stupid."

"sorry I just. I care is all."

"no I know. I just wish I knew what that reason is. I know she'll talk to you."

"when she's ready she will. But until then I won't push. And I know you've been doing that."

"but I care! And I worry! And I really don't like waiting. I'm the star. I'm depended on to be that star. To hold the show...everyone together. Without the star the show falls apart," I said.

"yeah but there are other characters. All i'm sayin."

"i want to be her star."

"who says you still aren't?"

"ever since last yr we've been on and off. You know that."

"yeah."

"it's frustrating as hell this waiting."

"is that why you feel like you don't matter..." puck said piecing it all together.

"yeah."

"no i've been there. My mom. She'd leave bruises. Which is one reason I have my own place now. I don't see her ever. Dad took off a long time ago and i'm on my own."

"oh wow. I think I knew some version of that."

"yeah it's not something I tell people. So I know what it's like to feel like you don't matter. And until you believe it yourself when others tell you that it won't mean a damn thing. Which is why I won't tell you that."

"no I believe you and others believe that about me. But I don't believe it."

"no I know."

"no but what I was meaning. Er referring to was. Is this what not eating for this long feels like?" I asked.

"um although I don't have much experience in that area yeah from what i've heard. The more you do it the more used to it youget. Not sayin you should. But you already know that so. She hasn't called you anything has she? Dianna I mean."

"oh no. she ignores me now."

"oh."


	114. wed oct 5th: rachel

Rachel

It wa mon. sept. 29th early morning. Dianna's dad had sexually hurt me 2 day ago. It was the first time he had in that way. I'd stopped by dianna's that day.

I was outside the door of her friend ashley's cousin annabelle's place. I didn't know ashley that well and I hadn't spent much time w/ her. she seemed nice though. I'd only been here once before so I hoped I had the right place. I'd met evan annabelle's friend and Annabelle back in aug. They were both nice.

Even though I was pretty shocked about what had happened I was still polite and rang the doorbell.

"yeah?" evan said from inside.

"hi you don't know me but I hope this is the right place. Um i'm Rachel a friend of dianna's I think we've met once before."

"oh."

"let her in," Annabelle told him.

"oh right."

I heard him come down the stairs and open the door.

"hey," he said.

"sorry did I wake you?" I asked as we went upstairs.

"a little but it's ok. What happened to you?"

"um wow it's that apparent? You're evan right?"

"um yeah. Rachel?"

"yeah."

"yeah I think we've met once before. This summer."

"yeah um. I want some vodka."

"ok we have that."

When we got upstairs I pored myself some pear vodka. I sipped it. Evan looked at me.

"you know dianna?" I asked once the vodka hit me.

"yeah."

"well her dad. hurt me 2 days ago. sexually I mean."

"right."

"she doesn't know this. Actually no one else doe."

"oh wow."


End file.
